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This woman is rushed to the hospital in critical condition. Her husband waits patiently in the waiting room. After a few minutes, the doctor comes out and asks her assistant for a wrench, which...
Patient: Doctor doctor, I'm addicted to buying Beatles records
Doctor: I think you need help
Patient: No, I've already got that one...
A man walks into a zoo.
The only animal in the entire zoo is a dog.
It’s a shih tzu....
Two young lads fighting in the school yard and the teacher stopped them saying, "Right Johnny, What are you fighting about" Johnny said "Please miss, he shoved a cracker up my dog's ***. Johnny the...
Every day a man drops 50p into a beggers hat on his way to work. Suddenly he changes this to 20p and some time later reduces it further to 10p. The beggar asks why this is and the man explains that...
Paddy buys a bath, but takes it back the next day complaining the water keeps running out. The manager asks "Did you buy a plug?" Paddy replies, "You didn't say it was electric!" ____________ Farmer...
I called the doctor surgery today to get an appointment. "How about ten tomorrow morning?" The receptionist asked. I told her I didn't need that many. One would do. __________ My dad was a master at...
If a woman is always right and a man is always wrong. Then, if a man tells the woman that she is right, is the man right or wrong?
After Mr. O'Toole's barn burned down, he called the insurance agent to file a claim. He told the insurance man, "We had that barn insured for fifty thousand quid, and we need that money immediately!"...
We are pleased to inform you that the biopsy of the redness on your penis showed that it was not cancerous. It was red lipstick. We deeply regret the amputation.
I purchased a budgie, in a tall cage the other day. I'm paying weekly................yes, he's on higher perches. _________ Two ladies of the night, one says " My mouth tastes like the bottom of a...
Two Irishmen went into a pub in Dublin and asked for two pints of Guinness. The barman, cleaning the tables said "Sorry we don't open for another hour." One of the men asked "Do you mind if we wait?"...
We had a takeaway last night and tried the Pavarotti pizza....
Not bad for a tenor....
A guy goes to the doctors and says he has a sexual problem in that his penis is too small. "What beer do you drink?" asks the doctor, "Budweiser." the guy answers "There's your problem says the doctor...
The French, those Masters of good cuisine, don't like Fast Food - that's why they eat snails.
A chap walks into a bar and says to the barman "I would like something tall ,Icy cold and full of gin.
The barman shouts into the kitchen "Oy Doris there's someone here to see you"...
Grandma broke her leg it was put in plaster and the doctor told her not to go up the stairs until it was removed . Three months later as the doctor was removing it she asked him excitedly "Can i go up...
A little girl went into a pet shop and asked "Excuthe me, do you haf any widdle wabbits?". The shop keeper's heart melted. He got down on his knees so that he was on her level and said "Do you want a...
A young man, from Scotland, went to order his first kilt. After being measured, he asked for a pair of underpants, in the same tartan (Broon). The kilt arrived, and he tried it on, in gay abandon. The...
“I was in bed with my wife last night, and she said I‘d got the biggest willy she’d ever laid her hands on.
I said “You’re pulling my leg”...
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