I am going to write a book. How is this for a first line?

[redbreast]

Her date was pleasant enough, but she knew that if her life was a movie this guy would be buried in the credits as something like "Second Tall Man."
This should catch the eye of the browser.

[Buenchico]

I like it but I'd prefer to see 'Her' replaced by the name of the character. (i.e "Marie's date was pleasant enough . . .").

For what it's worth, I tend to start my writing with a quote (of either words or thoughts), so my approach would be along these lines:

"Not so much a film star, more a lowly extra" thought Marie as she smiled politely in response to her date's banal conversation.

"Yes", her thoughts continued, "if my life was a movie, this guy's name would be buried somewhere in those credits which are still rolling when everyone's left the cinema in search of real life".


Chris

[jno]

saying this with all due respect, Chris, but I think redbreast's version is better. Your version spells out too much too soon - you don't have to spell out 'banal conversation', it's implicit in the overall comment about being buried in the credits, or Marie's name, which can wait. For the same reason, 'Her date was pleasant enough' could perhaps be omitted (leaving it as 'She knew that in the movie of her life, her date would be buried in the credits as Second Tall Man.'), but that's maybe too compressed. The only thing I would definitely change is 'something like' - you're the writer, you decide how he'd appear.

[echokilo]

Redbreast - seems you have sparked a debate ... for what it's worth, I love your version and the other suggestions offered. ....... but you said your version would catch the eye of the browser and I agree ..... this is the sort of novel I would buy and I am now intrigued to see how your story develops .... please let us know how it goes.

[redbreast]

Thank you all for the tips and advice. I think i will stick to my version for the moment. For a while anyways.

[Kefalonia]

I like the direct speech approach of Chris's version but to me it reads in a stilted way. "Yes" her thoughts continued just isn't necessary in my humble opinion, I think it would flow a lot more naturally tacking on "if my life ..." to the end of para 3.

Everyone's a critic eh?

[daniela31]

can you have 'her' and 'she' in the same sentence.?
Chris' idea to name the character was ok.....
daniela's date was pleasant enough, but she knew.....

:-)

[CSIambleside]

I can't understand why the previous answers have been so effusive. Surely you have to write the next 150/200 pages before we can decide whether your book is any good ???

[jno]

CSIambleside, the question wasn't whether the book was any good, it was whether the first line was any good.