Dementia

[PurpleParis]

My ex father in law (although we are still close) has been diagnosed this pat 18 months or so, with dementia or alzheimers. He has just turned 78, I spotted almost three years ago that something was wrong but my exhusband and ex mother in law took the 'if we don't talk about it it's not happening approach'!!
I suppose what I am looking for is some guidance as to how to deal/talk with him, I don't see him every day, maybe once a week, and to be honest he is still great with me, still remembers me, although I have been in his life for over 30 years, he's not so great with newer people though.
Example of what I mean by how to deal with him....he said something yesterday which really unsettled me....he was speaking of my daughter, his granddaughter, she is 26, we thought he had forgotten to get the lottery ticket, he said to her 'check my pockets I didnt get it', he then opened his fly and said 'check this pocket too', she rebuked him and said Grandad don't talk to me like that', he said 'I wouldn't ever do anything bad like that to you, I might have thought about it but I would never have done it'..........now I know he has never done anything, my kids worship the ground he walks on, but how truthful was he being, do you think......I mean with the dementia and all....did he really used to think things like that or is it just something he said because there was nothing else in his head????

[ummmm]

Very shocking thing to hear. If he's never said anything like that before, or acted in any inappropriate way before, I would put it down to the dementia.

It can change people personalities.

[Quassia]

Doesn't ratter on here work with people with dementia? May be he has an opinion on this.

[DEN53]

Purple - that sounds exactly how Dementia can affect a person. When my Mum first started showing strong signs of dementia, she started acting all 'sexy' with my Dad, she was grabbing his private parts in front of neighbours and trying to get him into bed. Now, if you knew my Mum, this is soooo out of character for her, which in itself is upsettig. In the care home where she is now, she is a model resident but regularly chases the poor lad who brings the dinner trolley in and flirts with male members of staff.

I think your ex father-in-law is going through that stage of dementia, just explain this to your daughter - I tried to explain my Mum's behaviour to my son (his nan) but he can't get his head around it.
Den xx

[scraggy55]

I work in Social Services as an Advisor. If you think he has Dementia it is best to get it formally diagnosed. There are things that can be done. Speak to GP and ask for referral to Community Mental Health Team, or CMH Doctor. They can work wonders but it is important to get as early a diagnosis as possible. People with Dementia can become fixated with things of a sexual nature, how is his memory? Can he repeat small sentences back to you? A sure sign is not being able to remember things that happened or were said a very short time ago, but they can remember things that happened 20 years ago.

[PurpleParis]

Thanks for all your advice, much appreciated, I feel better about it now.

Scraggy,he has already been diagnosed, and is under the care of a specialist. My main problem is that I am his ex daughter in law, so as far as my ex husband is concerned it is none of my business, so he won't discuss whats been said by the doctor.

My ex mother in law doesn't want to offend her son, so has to be careful about what she tells me!!! Families eh!!!

[Buenchico]

The links down the left of this page might be of help to you:
http://alzheimers.org.uk/

Also check out the links ('Symptoms', 'Causes', etc) here:
http://www.nhs.uk/Con...ges/Introduction.aspx

Chris

[boxtops]

Purple, have a look at the work of Barbara Pointon, she has been on TV and I had the privilege of hearing her speak in person last year. She nursed her husband through to his death and is an ambassador for the Alzheimers Society (whose website can also give you some really useful information). Barbara emphasised how carers need to realise that sufferers are not living with us now, they are living in some past time - and correcting them doesn't make a difference, we need to acknowledge what's in their heads. If your ex FIL says he wants to go home, he might mean his early married home or even where he lived as a child. The incident you describe might have been something way back in his past that he never talked about, or it might be the cheeky young man from years ago talking. It's heart-breaking, but you are right to allow for his behaviour. New carers will confuse him so you are right, also, to say that he's not so good with new people - Barbara described it very much like reverting to babyhood.
Have a look here for what Barbara imparts about her experience in caring for her husband until he died.... http://www.lwdp.org.u...lful_care_matters.pdf

[woofgang]

I used to be an Occupational Therapist working with people who had various memory problems as well as physical difficulties. One of the things that can happen is that people become disinhibited. This means that the normal social self controls that do things like stop us swearing in front of the vicar but allow it in the pub, no longer function properly. Things like a naughty joke that has been in his mind for years but he would never now use to anyone let alone a family member are no longer "censored" and come tumbling out, sometimes to inappropriate people.
Its like bodily functions....he may now do things like fart publicly and loudly call attention to it.
He will find it difficult, if not impossible, to control and will get very distressed if he fails and people show dismay or disgust.
Best stratagems in my experience are to either ignore it in a calm and friendly way ("No Grandad that's okay") or make a gentle joke of it ("Save that for your flirts") either way move on and redirect his attention.

[DEN53]

Very well put, Woofgang. (:o)

[woofgang]

Den, sadly it's not unusual and I have made that explanation many times