fear of death

[mycatis]

Please dont laugh, I know how stupid this sounds but I'm absolutely terrified of dying. It's worse at night, I cant just go to sleep, I have to read till I fall asleep. I dont just worry, if I dont get up & do something I really freak out, major panic attacks,crying,shouting. When I was little I would end up screaming just to try and block the thoughts. I know no-one is exactly happy about the idea and there is nothing that can stop it happening but any ideas how I can deal with the fear better. Sorry to get all heavy 

[WaldoMcFroog]

I have had the same thing in the past - spent months unable to sleep becuase I was freaking out about death so much - and still get occasional 'spasms' of panic.

Very respectfully, I think this is one of those occasions when we have to learn to get over ourselves. It's actually terribly ego-centric when you think about it. I'll explain...

Basically, your ego is saying 'How can *I* die?' It then freaks out because it's very difficult to comprehend non existance, and yours is the most important thing in the universe as far as your ego is concerned. But they're tricksy b*ggers, egos. Don't trust 'em - they're self-obsessed.

The first thing I would say is that when you're alone in the middle of the night, you're knackered. You're the one who is upset by the notion of death, therefore you're going to find it very difficult to get past that without some outside interaction. How can you convince yourself not to panic, when you're fully aware how much it panics you?

I would suggest you talk to other people as  much as possible. If there's no one you trust enough or want to tell, phone the Samaritans. Seriously - that's why they're there. By getting some outside input into the problem, it's easier to break the cycle of attacks. Half of it is down to the expectation that you'll have one.

Secondly, a tip that works for me, is to make sure I spend time in places with mountains. For me, they symbolise how ancient and impressive the earth is. This gives me a sense of perspective. I'm one person amongst 6 billion. What I do on this planet is unlikely to be noticed by many people and even fewer once I'm gone. In the grand scheme of things, I am utterly irrelevant and this reminds me not to get so caught up in thinking my problems and my ego are the only things that matter. That might seem odd, but it works for me. Maybe there's something will work for you.

[WaldoMcFroog]

Finally, if it is seriously impacting on your life you could go and see a counsellor to talk it through. Maybe there's a reason why you're thinking the way you are. My brain was using a fear of dying as displacement for the fact my girlfriend had got pregnant and then had a miscarriage and then we split up and I wasn't coping very well. Rather than deal with the actual issues, my brain threw it up as something else for me to get upset about.

Don't be ashamed about it, and don't feel you have to hide it. The more you do that the more it will affect you. If you want to talk, and it's useful you only have to post and I'm sure loads of people here will be willing to listen, but I would recommend 'real world' people as a first port of call, if possible.

The good news is that you can beat these attacks; I'm proof. Good luck!

[Scarlett]

This is natural- to even comprehend death is beyond us. All we know is life. But we are living organisms, and like everything else, we have a life cycle- born, grow, have babies, die. The chances are you won't be aware of your own death if that helps. Are you religious or spiritual? A lot of people believe in some sort of after life, which obviously helps them. All you can do is concentrate on the here and now- LIFE; you have it now- some don't, so MAKE THE MOST of it!!! Have a lot of fun, live each day to the fullest and accept that we all have a life cycle. If you believe in Karma, you could do your best to make others happy too, so that your life means something, and memories of you live on in other people. You could take more photos, have more parties, write a diary every day (I have documented every day for the past 23 years!!) and maybe make a video of all your memories for a loved one. That way, if you should die, you will have had a full life, and other people can remember you in their lives. concentrate on today!!

[landie]

I don't know your age, but dying naturlly may be many years away. Spare a thought for those who are afraid of living.

[slimfandango]

I was brought up catholic, and just before bedtime was a nice time to recollect on our day, think of our sins, and reflect that going to sleep is just a prelude to the day when we will die. And we pray 'If I die, before I wake, I pray thee Lord, my soul to take'.

Needless to say, it took a few years to get out of the predicament.

I hate not sleeping properly, it messes up my day. Now I guess, I even configure my way of thinking during the day just to avoid what you're talking about.

Good luck. It should pass.

[calleach]

cognitive behaviour therapy is an effective treatment. discuss  with your GP where you can be seen with this approach .

[Morrisonker]

*hugs you* It's such a horrible feeling, isn't it?  I've been having periods of thinking like this since I was about 4 or 5, I'm 19 now.

I don't know how old you are either, but the way I make myself feel better is to thinking about all the things that I have to go through in my life.  Fair enough, I know I'm young so I've lots to go through yet.  But I'm sure no matter what your age you can find something you're looking forward to.  If not, make sure there is something that you can't wait to happen.  Book a holiday, arrange a meeting with friends and keep doing it.  Fill up your time so you can't dwell on it. 

I'm sure your GP can help you with over coming anxiety, recommend someone you can talk to or maybe even give you something to help you sleep, because I'm willing to bet these feelings get worse when you're alone and it's dark.  Good luck, I really hope you overcome this.

[El D]

What does it matter when you die? As said CBT is all about changing perception and taking control of things which you can effect, not those you can't. Death is natural, part of life. The first step is to identify exactly what about death you are afraid of - the more you know about your fears the less power they hold over you.

[indian]

Sounds silly but when i'm in bed and feel i'm going to die i feel my pulse and count the beats. So long as i can feel a regular pulse i know i must be ok. Going to GP or councellor sound like good ideas too.

Every time you feel panicky control your breathing, make sure you can feel your tummy go out when you breathe in, it stops you hyperventilating and think if you got through last night theres no reason why you can't get through this one. Keep on telling yourself your going to be ok helps too.

Your not the only one. Good luck!

[RevShirls]

Some good answers here and some good advice. I actually agree with everything El D says here except the bit "what does it matter when you die?" - although perhaps it doesn't really matter to us, someone's death can matter a lot to others - those closest to us (but perhaps El D wouldn't disagree with that) and sometimes that can be a person's fear of dying - that they don't want to abandon family, friends etc or whatever. El D is absolutely spot on when she/he says "the more you know about your fears the less power they hold over you". I am a great believer in this.

[netibiza]

Although I sympathise with mycatis - I am hugely relieved to know that this happens to other people as well  but I don't get into a state about it - just cannot imagine life without me - me not being able to control things and yes I am a control freak. 

[KittyGlitter]

I understand why you feel worse at night, it can be a lonely time and I always think things seem worse at this time. This could be a phase that you're going through. I'd be suprised if no one questions and worries about their mortality at some point in their lives. Are you a thinker? Do you ponder over things about life in general? You might also be scared of feeling this way and scared of the horrible feelings you get with it, which is a viscous circle. I think your fears are internalised which then 'voice' themselves in panic attacks. I think you could speak to a trained counsellor or therapist about your fears as an outlet for what is going on inside your head. Like the other posters have said, when you try to understand your fears and get as much information as possible, the fears are less powerful.

[Little Lady]

I used to be like this a few years ago, im now not frightened at all, i was more scared of what would happen to me after life as many religions tell us different things but i think now and know now there is nothing to fear, it would be awful to leave my family etc that way but everyone goes sometime or another. You need to find out exactly what it is that frightens you, if you fear something it usually brings experiences towards you, thought is alot stronger than most think, not saying your going to pop your clogs tomorrow or the like but like someone mentioned before it is important to find out what is behind this feeling and emotion and if you find this out and help release it this will surely sort it self out. Good luck

[slimfandango]

yeah, good point Rev shirls/el D.

The insight into fear bit I guess has a lot of support. Stress is made up of two components 1) 'What is the threat?' 2) 'Can I cope with the threat' If you cannot cope, or if you do not really know what it is, you will always be stressed by it. Sometimes I check myself out in these situations by measuring my pulse, just to see if the 'biological response' has kicked in.

Looking at it now, I realize actually how much subconscious skill you pick up over the years at dealing with this evening/bedtime thing. I do some subtle winddowns every evening that I'm not even conscious of planning anymore.

[purification]

There are some fantastic replies here and hope it gives you some hope and reassurance that you so need mycatis.

This may seem like a bizarre answer and you may not believe in this kind of thing but have you ever thought about having past life regression?? Tis just an idea and is not for everyone but ya never know...........

[Dark Angel]

If you are worried about something, things seem worse at night. In the morning, you feel better. I agree that livng life to the full each day is the best thing to do, so time is not wasted.

We should try to make to most of the time here on earth, then when the end draws close, we acknowledge that our lives were not wasted.

When someone dies, I feel not so much for the dead person, but for those that they left behind.

[Otrere]

I just want to say to those people that ask "What does it matter when you die?" ... I'd actually like to think that it matters to people like my 2 year old daughter and my husband when I die.

I lost my mum to cancer in December 2002, another auntie to cancer April 1999 and another auntie to cancer in September 2004. My mum's mum also died of cancer in her 30's.

Eversince losing my mum, I have been scared of dying of cancer as it seems to be so rife in our family. Despite seeing a counsellor this still frightens me.

Whether or not anybody else in the world gives a toss about my wellbeing, I'd actually like to be around to see my daughter grow up and my grandchildren grow up because my mum never got that chance. So from a personal point of view, yes it does matter when I die for my daughter's sake because I know how much it hurts to lose your mum.

I really don't see how the people on here can be so blase about something so important.

[RevShirls]

Otrere, what a difficult time you've had and such a lot of grief to sope with in your family. I can understand what you are saying. My Mum is undergoing chemotherapy just now and I am so worried about her although the prognosis is good. It's made even worse because I'm in Sweden and she's in Scotland.

I have no fear of death per se but I really don't want to lose my Mum. I really don't think that people have been blase here about this - but rather just trying to give some help and support to mycatis.

You talk about being afraid of death because you want to be around so your wee girl can have the opportunity to grow up with you being there for her - and I totally understand that. It's good and natural to feel like that. I want the same things to. My wee girl will be 2 in June and I have the same hopes and desires.

The one thing I would say to you, is try not to let your fear of dying affect you in a negative sense. Fear can be a good thing to motivate us to do things. In your case it might be to make sure you have regular check-ups and discussions with your doctor if cancer has been prevalent in your family. If you do that then try not to be preoccupied with your fear because fear can affect (even paralyse) your life, your emotions, your attitudes and the way you relate to others. In other words, try not to let your fear run your life. I know that it's easier said than done.

[Smiley]

I would say i suffer from exactly the same thing as mycatis, apart from it's not fearing my own death as such, but my family's. I can be on a bus, at work, wherever, and suddenly cry thinking about losing a sister or brother. Whenever someone I know dies, the feeling gets worse. I've become a more nervous person because of it.