domestic violence

[dryvanda]

Okay so now I HAVE been beaten up by my husband AGAIN only this time there is a non molestation order on him so hopefully he will get what he deserves. I have gone through this one time too many now and I really want everything belonging to him gone but I don't know what to do about that.He will only come for it himself when he sobers up but I want nothing to do with him any more. This is going to be hard for me when he does but I have to stay firm before he kills me, I already need some major surgery to my body from last years beating and I do not want to soften again. I thought about putting it all into charity shop.What did other women do. I am at home he is not for it was my home before I married him.

[maitre d']

dryvanda - you don't say if you are in UK or not, if so get some advice either here http://www.homeoffice.gov.uk/crime/domesticviolence/ or speak to citizens advice/legal aid.  Hope everything gets sorted soon.  Take care

[dryvanda]

thank you for the information.

[silly moo]

congratulations for having the courage to say no to violence.
I realise how hard it can be sometimes, and I hope you are getting all the support you need.

[Lillabet]

I have an enormous amount of sympathy for you and wish you the best of luck in a hideously difficult situation. It sounds as though you have already taken positive steps by ending the relationship and taking out a non-molestation order.

As for collecting his belongings - well. I guess 1, you don't want to speak to him, 2, you don't want to be alone with him / near him at all and 3, you don't trust him.

As such I would suggest that you need 1, a third party who is neutral - such as a friend of both of you or independent such as a women's aid worker to phone him and make the arrangements for him collecting his belongings.

2, you need someone you trust and who can protect you to be in the house when he comes to collect them - unless you can arrange to have a third party collect them on his behalf. This could be a trusted friend / family member of someone suggested by an organisation such as women's aid. If you have a very definite time and place and a real fear of violence then the police might agree to have an officer there.

3, You want to make this as short as possible. Why not pack up his belongings so they just need loading. You want to minimise any time that he might be there and avoid the possibility of any dispute over items / him taking your things.

The fact is these are his possessions so selling them or taking them to the charity shop would be a bad choice. You don't want to find him with an excuse to cast himself as the victim...

Take care - good luck

[smudge]

dryvanda - Firstly, well done on making the decision to move on with your life & no longer be subjected to the physical abuse you have endured over the years.

Personally, I wouldn't take your husband's belongings to a charity shop, as this could lead to yet another confrontation if he does turn up to collect them.

Would it not be possible to box them up & drop them off at one of his relatives, or friends houses (that's if he has any left). The longer you have to look at them, the harder it will be for you - so the sooner the better.

I hope you can stay strong & continue with your intentions to rid this person from your life. I also wish you good luck & every happiness in the future. -x-    

[smudge]

We all appeared to have posted at the same time - so it's nice that you are not alone dryvanda!

[Robinia]

So sorry that things didn't get better for you dryvanda - I answered your post a few weeks ago.  Good advice here already so all I can add is please don't soften. Good luck. x

[netibiza]

You can get the police to be with you when he finally collects all his stuff - I left such a relationship before I was killed - have been nervous ever since - even left the country but there is always damage to your self confidence.  If you have to move then do it for your own sake. Good luck always.

[dryvanda]

yes smudge I recognised the name just did not know how to give an answer to anyone. I am not moving away for him for I am the victim and why should my children suffer, my daughter has just started a new job and it is a job she can do while still at school.She is doing gcse's then going back to 6th year. My youngest is about to start high school this year and it is not fair to take them away from everything they know.Up until now no one has ever seen any of the damage he has caused but a mutal friend called today more his than mine and was shocked to see the mess I am in.I hurt so much I can hardly walk.My kids see I am calmer just with him being out surprise surprise, regardless of my pain. I am normally very outgoing and that never left me call it putting on a brave face whenever I have gone out and I am refusing to let my self esteem be knocked around any more than it has been already.I made up my mind that I was the only person who could get rid of all the doom and gloom in my life just last week and if I can come through what I have done this last few months alone and stay off the cigs now 13 weeks then I can survive anything. He had nothing when I met him and he should leave the same way go back to the gutter so to speak, he has never provided anything for me, I was forced to claim benefits while he took on a flat and done the same and earns between �200 to �400 per week. All there is in my house are clothes belonging to him. He has plenty in the bank to buy some more, instead of drinking and gambling it away. I am not doing any dirty washing for him anymore.

[dryvanda]

continued.) Two months ago he got me to book a holiday for my kids and himself and actually paid for it over a four week period. Thats when he was in good form, this is a first. He smokes 40 cigs a day, buys himself bags of goodies and hides them away, I have realised that I am not suffering from depression and that it is he who is pulling me down, I need to have major surgery due to the beating I recieved 11 months ago and that has scared me big time. Thus was the reason for the non molestation order last year and I am glad I got it now.The police are sending someone to see me from the domestic violence section although what they can do for me I don't know. The holiday is two weeks away and myself and kids will go for we all need it but he won't be going anywhere. I have destroyed his passport for he said he was going to get his all inclusive day and night at the bar, no thank you, he already told me to go with the kids and enjoy HIS MONEY that he wold not tag along but I would not trust him.All I want to do is recuperate and make a fresh start. He won't hurt unless it is in his pocket.When at the hospital my daughter soke with people there who knew I was his wife as he is a DJ and turns out his last two partners had trouble with him too. I am bitter not so much angry and very annoyed at myself for trying to make my marriage work, it must be true that lepords never change their spots but I am sadly the one who has came off the worst of all. I will get myself back on tip top condition and at the end of the day I will have peace of mind happy family again and my own identity back, so I lose nothing where he has lost everything that ever really meant something to him. 

[dryvanda]

sorry robina I put the wrong name in but I am sure you knew it would be you.

[Grunty]

I was too late to answer this, but would like to congratulate Lillabet on hers.

[smudge]

Sorry dryvanda, I'm not sure what you mean by your first sentence?

[smudge]

dryvanda - It's ok, the penny's dropped - I gather you typed my name instead of Robinia's.

I really do wish you well & hope it won't be long before you are enoying your life again. Chin up & take care -x-

[dryvanda]

thank you smudge

[Mowbray]

Hi dryvanda,

Well done for standing up to this horrible monster of a husband you had.  Stand up and be strong.

I wish you all the luck in the world and that we're all thinking about you and your children. 

Take care ;-)

[Robinia]

Hi dryvanda - don't worry about the name!  You're pretty amazing to get through all that so enjoy your holiday with your children & here's to a better future for you!