How to help a friend?

[EcclesCake]

A year ago a friend discovered her husband had been sleeping with a number of women. In fact he was having affairs with two women in his office which was to be his downfall and resulted in his wife finding out. Their separation was immediate and since then she has been rebuilding her life.

In the new year she began taking an interest in exercise, going to classes and using a personal trainer. Consequently she began losing weight. All good so far, out and about meeting new people and taking exercise.

Her interest in exercise increased to such an extent that our regular meetings were being arranged around various classes. I became concerned that her dedication to her classes was becoming addictive and not entirely healthy overall.

In the last couple of months she has met a man who is by her own admission 'not her type'. I had never heard his name mentioned and within a week of learning about him she announced he was her 'soulmate' 'and had never felt like this about anyone before'.

Since meeting him she has cut herself away from friends and her contact has been sporadic until last week when I received a text wanting to know when we could get together as she and Mr X where having a difficult time.

I got together with my friend and explained that I was worried about her and she had been displaying obsessive behaviour with her exercise and I was concerned that she was similarly obsessed with her new BF.

Given she has a history of depression and I was concerned her obsessive behaviour was a sign of it returning I suggested she see her Dr. She agreed and admitted that others had recommended she see the Dr too.

She has now had an appointment with her Dr but is not responding to enquiries about how it went.

I'm not looking for chapter and verse but am very worried about my friend and given her past history of depression want to help her but how do you help someone who only talks to you when they want to?

Sorry to those who have fallen asleep and thanks to those who haven't ;-)

[EcclesCake]

I know I wittered on for a long while and have missed out a few key concerns but could someone give me an opinion ;-)

[Carakeel]

Well, bearing in mind the fact that your friend has every right not to talk about her problems if she doesn't want to, it also may be that she needs time to sort things in her own head before being able to talk to you. I can understand your worry about your friend. Perhaps it would help her if you wrote her a letter, telling her that you are concerned and would like to be there for her if she needs someone. Whatever you do, do not pressure your friend, or judge her / him as this is probably not what they need right now. just offer your support and friendship. That is what a good friend, who really cares, will do. I hope you get a response and keep your friendship alive.

[maggiebee]

Sometimes all you can do is to let her know you are there when she needs you and that you care. One symptom of depression is shutting yourself away from family and friends - but maybe she just needs some space to sort things out.

[pizza]

Wish I had the answer EccleCake she's lucky having a good friend like you .
I think the new (not her type guy) has probably been a confidence booster and a reaction to her husbands actions.
This is a lady prone to depression, hurt by the guy she married and probably doesnt want to be a burden to her friends and I guess feels a bit stupid for rushing into a situation that escalated lonely,attention from guy not my type but a bit of escapism.
I am sure when she is ready she will get in touch.
Keep in touch and hope all works out well x

[karenmac60]

You've shown your concern and she has acted on that. I think all you can do now is be there for her when she needs you. You can't force her to do what you think is right for her and she obviously doesn't want to talk about her treatment. Don't take this personally - there is still a stigma associated with mental health issues and she may feel ashamed. She has to sort this out for herself, but she knows she can come to you and that you care and that will mean a lot to her. She has a good friend in you, and she may not seem to appreciate it right now, but she will when she is well. Take comfort in the fact that you have given her a push in the right direction.

[EcclesCake]

I'm just so worried about her. I understand that her depression and her personality don't give themselves to reaching out. I just want to know that she saw the Dr and she's been given a referral or some such treatment.

I've gone through bouts of her depression previously and have never known her shy away from me, which is just adding to my anxiety. I've only given a potted history here, there are many, many reasons for my concern. I just have to accept that you can only help those that want to be helped, and make sure she knows I am her when she's ready.

[Eve]

Maybe she doesn't want to talk about it, acknowledge it further or maybe she didn't go or doesn't want to follow the advice (yet at least), could be all kinds of things and maybe she thinks she would feel pressured and embarassed talking about it and admitting things.

It might be she doesn't really see she has a problem and feels like people are putting a bit of a downer on her new life as she sees it or she is further into a down patch. People can get carried away with allsorts.

Impossible to say so just make sure that she knows you are there for her and no pressure.

It might be easier for her to meet up on a basis you won't mention anything about it unless she does. May be less threatening for her and have other benefits.

[EcclesCake]

I fully understand and appreciate that she might feel uncomfortable talking about where she is now despite having gone through previous bouts of depression with me at her side. I think I'm just venting because I am so stressed about not being able to be there for her because I am working away from home at the moment.

She does know that I am always here for her. I'm just concerned not to have heard from her after she promised to tell me she attended the Dr, even if she didn't tell me how it went.

[Eve]

Do you know if she actually went?

[EcclesCake]

No, I don't and that is my concern. When I saw she admitted that others thought she needed help and promised to make an appointment, she confirmed she'd made the appointment, but hasn't followed up on whether she attended.

I'm trying so hard not to be a mad stalker but I really do want to know that she's OK!?!?!

[nohorn]

I can understand your concern. I have been in your friends situation when faced with trauma/losses. Most likely she is making bad choices as I did and you can only hope it turns out well. You can only assure that you are there for her and hope for the best. I didn't have such a friend, she is very fortunate. And then she will have to deal with the outcome.

[China Doll]

Sometimes when you have health problems you can bore yourself talking about them and the last thing you want to do is discuss them further. I hate when I am asked how my hip has been or when I was depressed 'how are you feeling' as I feel like I'm constantly talking about it and I want people to ask about me and not the one thing that I know is wrong with me. I still did the stuff to make both better though. Maybe she feels a bit like that. I know it's much harder as you're concerned about her depression but you run the risk of pushing her away if she thinks you're nagging.

[EcclesCake]

A bit of an update and request for further advice on how I can help.

The reason she didn't contact me was she and Mr X had a major row and she ended up in hospital in a catatonic state! Following this she couldn't contact me as he had her phone and some other possessions! These were returned in dribs and drabs.

Since then there has been no contact, then letters between them, phone calls, and now they are back together.

The 'good' news is that 'he has changed' and is 'putting in an amazing amount of effort to really turn himself around'.

As far as I'm concerned the whole relationship stinks and she is caught up in a cycle of emotional and possibly physical abuse.

I've met up with her a couple of times and Mr X has become a bit of an elephant in the room. I have expressed my concerns that they are both in a bad place at the moment and neither is really strong enough to cope with such an intense (aka controlling) relationship. I don't feel I can really keep banging the drum about what she has told me and how it looks like from an outsider looking in.

I've been looking at some websites that cover domestic abuse and she is showing many of the signs and everything she tells me fits with what I've been reading.

I am considering sending her some links to the websites I have found but fear I will alienate her further or she will continue with the denial.

What do you think I should do?

[NOX]

Eccles to be honest- you just need to leave her to sort herself out as however well meaning ad intentioned you are, she will just see it as interfering, an attack upon her and Mr X and retreat further I'm afraid.

[EcclesCake]

If I thought she was strong enough to sort herself out I would let it go. She is now back seeing her Dr for the depression and is in the early stages of her medication, she is still very vulnerable though.

Yes perhaps I should let her make her own decisions etc but when you can see someone is trapped in a cycle of abuse, should you really leave them to it?

She's ended up in hospital once, I really don't want that to happen again.

[Old_Geezer]

Usually I just post based on the initial question, but this time I read further and see your update has changed things somewhat.

He sounds rather controlling from what you tell us, and in that case I'd not be too optimistic about his effort to change. However this is still your friend's decision and I'd be wary of trying to encourage what you think is correct. State an opinion and leave it at that. She will know she has a friend in you she can turn to if she wishes. As to what she does next, only she can decide.

[Old_Geezer]

What do you suggest as an alternative ? To ride in there and snatch her away ? No, just be there for a friend, is my suggestion.

[EcclesCake]

My white charger is a bit lame at the moment OG ;-)

I have given her my opinion which is why Mr X has become a bit of an elephant in the room.

I'm trying to work out if I can find a more objective way of helping her, hence the links??? Anything I say will be an emotionally charged subjective analysis based on what she has told me to date.

[China Doll]

Given your update I think that you are probably pushing her too hard. Just be a friend, be there for her and that's it. As Nox says, you run the risk of alienating her further if you continue to do things your way. She will become stronger with support and not hounding however kindly you phrase it.

[EcclesCake]

To be clear I have only given my opinion on her health/relationship twice; once when I initially talked to her about visiting the Dr and the second time when she gave me the bigger picture about the hospital visit etc. Since then we have not discussed Mr X. My bigger concerns I have kept to myself.

I am a little surprised that the advice seems to be 'leave her to it'. Having said that it is pretty much what I am doing, all my fretting is being done in the background and not in front of her.

I will hold back on sending her the links and see how things develop now that he is a changed man :-(