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First off, im a long term user ,but using this throwaway name to vent and to hear anyones opinion.
My husband of 15 years ,together 20 told me on Saturday night that he's had a fling with a woman at work. Apparently he's met up with her twice at her flat near where they both work. The first time they just chatted and the second time they ended up in bed but he swears they just had a "fumble" but did not actually have sex as he apparently "couldn't go through with it".
For 2 weeks he's being trying to break it off with her, but shes turned all bunny boilerish and refuses to take no for an answer.
I knew something was wrong, he's been quiet for the last week but he told me it's because he wasnt feeling well, and like a sap, i believed him! When all along the guilt over the whole tawdry thing was "killing him".
As I've said, he finally broke down on Saturday night and told me everything, well, everything according to him anyway. And call me stupid, but I do believe he has told me everything.
I've done nothing but cry all weekend, but we've had several heart to hearts and i've decided to forgive him. I still love him dearly and can't throw him out. And he claims it's made him realise how utterly stupid he's been and he desperately wants to stay with me.
We do have a child together and we've both agreed that we want to stay together for each other, rather than out of a sense of duty to our child.
I've contacted him this morning at work, and she was waiting for him, and screamed at him in the company carpark, saying he can't do this to her etc etc.
To be honest, im not sure why ive made this post, except that it's maybe because im now on my own sat here, going over and over again in my head everythings that's been said, and it's killing me.
I will get over it, least I really want to and I desperately want us back to how we were, or maybe a better version, and he says (and i believe him) that he does too.
How do i/we get over it? Anyone with any experience, that can give me some pearls of wisdom?
My husband of 15 years ,together 20 told me on Saturday night that he's had a fling with a woman at work. Apparently he's met up with her twice at her flat near where they both work. The first time they just chatted and the second time they ended up in bed but he swears they just had a "fumble" but did not actually have sex as he apparently "couldn't go through with it".
For 2 weeks he's being trying to break it off with her, but shes turned all bunny boilerish and refuses to take no for an answer.
I knew something was wrong, he's been quiet for the last week but he told me it's because he wasnt feeling well, and like a sap, i believed him! When all along the guilt over the whole tawdry thing was "killing him".
As I've said, he finally broke down on Saturday night and told me everything, well, everything according to him anyway. And call me stupid, but I do believe he has told me everything.
I've done nothing but cry all weekend, but we've had several heart to hearts and i've decided to forgive him. I still love him dearly and can't throw him out. And he claims it's made him realise how utterly stupid he's been and he desperately wants to stay with me.
We do have a child together and we've both agreed that we want to stay together for each other, rather than out of a sense of duty to our child.
I've contacted him this morning at work, and she was waiting for him, and screamed at him in the company carpark, saying he can't do this to her etc etc.
To be honest, im not sure why ive made this post, except that it's maybe because im now on my own sat here, going over and over again in my head everythings that's been said, and it's killing me.
I will get over it, least I really want to and I desperately want us back to how we were, or maybe a better version, and he says (and i believe him) that he does too.
How do i/we get over it? Anyone with any experience, that can give me some pearls of wisdom?
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Don't contact the woman.........and ignore her if she contacts you.
Any 'spouse' contemplating playing away is going to tell his/her potential conquest anything that will serve to justify his/her behaviour. These negative things will be embellishment, at best, and outright lies, at worst.
It will do your soul no good, whatsoever, to hear them. You may fret, for a while as to what he said but as time goes on it will be less important. If you know exactly what he said, you'll find those things popping back into your mind, unbidden, for years.
Only you know if his remorse is genuine and you both seem to have accepted this 'blip' for the wake-up call it probably is.
With commitment and hard work, there is no reason why you cannot put this distressing episode behind you both. But in turn *you* must decide to never use it as a stick to beat him with!
Wishing you both well.
Any 'spouse' contemplating playing away is going to tell his/her potential conquest anything that will serve to justify his/her behaviour. These negative things will be embellishment, at best, and outright lies, at worst.
It will do your soul no good, whatsoever, to hear them. You may fret, for a while as to what he said but as time goes on it will be less important. If you know exactly what he said, you'll find those things popping back into your mind, unbidden, for years.
Only you know if his remorse is genuine and you both seem to have accepted this 'blip' for the wake-up call it probably is.
With commitment and hard work, there is no reason why you cannot put this distressing episode behind you both. But in turn *you* must decide to never use it as a stick to beat him with!
Wishing you both well.
I think he is genuine. Which might sound ironic considering what he's done. He emailed me earlier to say that if I want him to leave he will do, and no he wouldn't be going to her (he said anyway), and to be honest, I didn't reply, to let him stew a bit. And he's just texted to ask if i still want him.
This is so unlike him, he's become clingy now, and I think it's in desperation over what he could have lost.
We will work it out (i think anyway) I still love him, that's not changed and I think he's worked out he's very nearly lost who he loves too. For the record he looks like crap, I can tell it's physically taken its toll on him as well, a fact i've taken a drop of malicious pleasure over.
This is so unlike him, he's become clingy now, and I think it's in desperation over what he could have lost.
We will work it out (i think anyway) I still love him, that's not changed and I think he's worked out he's very nearly lost who he loves too. For the record he looks like crap, I can tell it's physically taken its toll on him as well, a fact i've taken a drop of malicious pleasure over.
@smowball -if my husband slept with another woman it would depend on the circumstances - a drunken sh*g on a boys night out can be forgiven, but not a relationship, however 'sorry' he was after the fact. Its far too easy to blame the woman in this scenario -however much flattery a man gets he can still say 'no thanks"
One other thing... as you say your self esteem has taken a bashing...and you are feeling unattractive etc.. time for aa bit of you time... maybe joining a fitness centre, a new hair do or learning a new skill can help you feel better about you... stick with people who make you feel good about yourself, and every day look at yourself in the mirror ,concentrate on the good things and keep your head high...believe you are worth better and you are more likely to get it
Well may , like a lot of men, he thought a bit of flirting etc and a grope would all be harmless but he has quickly realised how things can get totally out of hand and it has scared him silly. I hope so for your sake. But maybe if he has a word with his boss it may help. its going to be very awkward if he still works with her.
Just try to remember that *you* can have no input or impact when it comes to his employment. He's going to have to deal with that himself.
It doesn't matter what this other woman does or doesn't believe; she is now an irrelevance in your lives......although the shadow that she casts may be quite a long one.
Do be prepared for her to contact you, though.
Hell hath no fury....and all that.
It doesn't matter what this other woman does or doesn't believe; she is now an irrelevance in your lives......although the shadow that she casts may be quite a long one.
Do be prepared for her to contact you, though.
Hell hath no fury....and all that.
Im aware of that Jackthehat.
Over the weekend I told him to do what it takes to keep hold of his job (within reason!) as and I quote "I dont see why I should suffer financially as well". But i've got a serious case of the wobbles now, it's killing me that he's there and she is and im here.
And as if she doesn't sound psychotic enough, apparently she's a kickboxer!!!!! he's terrified she's truly going to get all Glenn Close on us. If it wasn't so tragic and heartbreaking, it'd be funny.
Over the weekend I told him to do what it takes to keep hold of his job (within reason!) as and I quote "I dont see why I should suffer financially as well". But i've got a serious case of the wobbles now, it's killing me that he's there and she is and im here.
And as if she doesn't sound psychotic enough, apparently she's a kickboxer!!!!! he's terrified she's truly going to get all Glenn Close on us. If it wasn't so tragic and heartbreaking, it'd be funny.
With all due respect Tamborine, I can't imagine your "advice" helping anyone, and it certainly won't help me. If it was a tongue in cheek, it's in very poor taste and I don't appreciate it.
smowball, no, I don't know anything else about this woman apart from what he's said. Like what?
He says they haven't even had sex, just a fumble, quite what the fumble entailed I don't know, and I'm not sure I want to know or if it would help me knowing. And yes, they only met up twice, both times at her flat. The flirting had been going on for a few weeks prior to their first meet, and for the last two weeks he's been trying to shake her off- so from start to finish the whole sorry saga has been going on for about 6 weeks.
He's emailed me (again!) to tell me he's spoken to HR and it wont affect his job, and he's to follow procedure, whatever that is, if the emails from her continue.
smowball, no, I don't know anything else about this woman apart from what he's said. Like what?
He says they haven't even had sex, just a fumble, quite what the fumble entailed I don't know, and I'm not sure I want to know or if it would help me knowing. And yes, they only met up twice, both times at her flat. The flirting had been going on for a few weeks prior to their first meet, and for the last two weeks he's been trying to shake her off- so from start to finish the whole sorry saga has been going on for about 6 weeks.
He's emailed me (again!) to tell me he's spoken to HR and it wont affect his job, and he's to follow procedure, whatever that is, if the emails from her continue.
It means that HR will have a procedure for how to deal with what it considers to be "inappropriate" use of corporate systems and that if she persists in her abuse of said systems during working time, then your husband should inform them whereupon they will no doubt haul her in and tell that she must cease and desist or face possible disciplinary proceedings.
Sorry to hear this MondayBlues... But from everything you've said and his visit to HR Today, I would be very inclined to believe what your partner is saying. Once some women get their claws in they can be very determined (to get their way) and extremely hard to shake. My advice for what it's worth, is support your partner and try to forgive and forget his silly mistake. Good Luck and I hope it all turns out the way you wish it to be xx
Mondayblues; I know exactly how you're feeling today, like the bottom has dropped out of your world. You'll feel better for seeing him tonight, though you won't want to show him that!At the moment, things have gone 'bang' but I assure you things will settle down. If he really does care for you and he's really sorry for hurting you and your marriage (because that's what it feels like) he'll make it up to you.
Hi mblues ...i dont have much Else to add from what everyonelse has said....if you go ahead with forgiving... (not sure what id do) please do "forgive" because if you cast this up continually you will never be able to get on with your life- you really have to forgive and forget if you think you can- you know your hubby more than anyone and will be able to tell if he is lying and is genuinely sorry. I have an idea what a fumble is and i wont say. Glad his work is aware now- the woman i think you should ignore- god only knows what she would say.....
Best of luck to you i really hope you can work it out together - please dont feel fat and unattractive...this isnt your fault and he came back to you!!! Like rowan said mabye its time to iron this all out and start a new chapter- and look after yourself!! Xxxxx luv tinks
Best of luck to you i really hope you can work it out together - please dont feel fat and unattractive...this isnt your fault and he came back to you!!! Like rowan said mabye its time to iron this all out and start a new chapter- and look after yourself!! Xxxxx luv tinks
thank you markrae, i thought it might be something like that, but wasn't too sure. My head's that cabbaged I can't think straight at the moment!
I do believe him mazie, which once again, probably does sound ironic to some. The guy's terrified. He says he wouldnt put it past her to turn up on the doorstep either, to which I jokingly (??!) said it's a blessing we dont have any rabbits!
A part of me is secretly pleased he's getting this hard time, if im being brutally honest- might make him think twice before attempting it again! Does that make me sound evil?
I do believe him mazie, which once again, probably does sound ironic to some. The guy's terrified. He says he wouldnt put it past her to turn up on the doorstep either, to which I jokingly (??!) said it's a blessing we dont have any rabbits!
A part of me is secretly pleased he's getting this hard time, if im being brutally honest- might make him think twice before attempting it again! Does that make me sound evil?
