What am i supposed to think?

[Gemma1984]

ill try and make this brief.....

Me and my boyfriend have been together a year and 3 months and have been living together since last novemeber. Last year we had a few issues, basically he had been calling and texting his ex girlfriend along with a few other girls now these werent just hi how are you texts more along the lines of what i would expect him to be texting me. I found this out by checking up on him which admitedley i prob shouldnt have done. He admitted it when i confronted him and he got rid of his phone.

Now he has recently lost his job and so i brought him a phone and sim card of ebay on the cheap so he can ring round agencies and he can be contacted if they have work for him, but.... i have slipped into the old habit of checking up on him becuase i lost my trust in him last time and i have found he has called his ex girlfriends number again and this morning i found two other numbers on their so now im worried that something is going on again. I dont know what to think because everything has been so good for ages now! Help.

[keen2learn]

I think you do know what to think, Gemma, but it's difficult to face up to the truth. You started living together quite quickly after your relationship started, and he's got itchy feet. You feel guilty about checking up on him, but you probably only did it because deep down you knew things weren't right. You need to talk, as calmly as possible, about whether you still have a future together. My first response is you'd be better off without him, because he sounds very immature, but when you love someone it's not always so simple. Good luck.

[Gemma1984]

we moved in together out of necessity my parents were moving to france and i had no where to go other than stinky bed sits!

[butter1]

Hi Gemma, isn't there a friend you could move in with?  I have to admit, I agree with keen2learn.  I think you should talk to him about how you feel....but in the meantime maybe ask a few friends if they would like to rent a place with you?  I think that it would maybe be best if you spent some time apart... good luck.x

[Col]

The simplest thing would be to ask him, are things generally okay apart from these concerns?  texting is one thing, do you suspect anything more 'serious' has happened or is happening?

[Gemma1984]

thats what i dont understand things are really good lately we still have the odd bikering fest but nothing serious. Which is why i dont understand why he is calling her! although the time i looked it looked as though he didnt get through!

[Gemma1984]

also i dont suspect any thing is happening we spend the majority if not all of our time together apart from obviously when im at work and hes at home at the moment because he has lost his job

[Englishbird]

the issue is generally not what has or hasn't happened, i'm very sorry but if the trust has gone, and i mean gone for a reason - as he proved before that he was un-trustworthy - it is very very hard to get back.  And you'll spend the rest of your life with him, looking over your shoulder and never being quite sure.  You'll then drive yourself insane by trying to convince yourself you're imagining it and he'll re-inforce your negative thoughts about yourself, because that's easier than getting caught or admitting he's wrong. 

I admit, i have contact with my significant ex and it means nothing, it is possible.  You and he both need to put your cards on the table.  But if i'm honest I know far more men who are untrustworthy than i do women who are truely paranoid.

I'm sorry to sound a bit harsh - but don't let him have you running in circles wondering this or that.  Good luck Gemma x

[oxeyedaisy]

you seem to be the strong one in the relationship..and to be quite honest and brutal i would tell him to sling his hook as you sound like someone that deserves better...once he gets on his feet he is the sort of person that wont consider you one bit..i wouldnt have bought him a phone i would have told him to get off his backside and go out and earn money to get one himself..also if you are in the situation where you cant even trust him with a phone ..well thats it their is no way you can trust him ever..you sound so capable of sorting your life out and allthough it may hurt and also put you in the situation where you have to find new accomadation it will be worth it long term..at least you will have peace of mind..would you not consider going to france to your parents for a few months just to gain clarity..and get yourself together..??best of luck to you..

[goldheart]

Yep, she's right, you need to put all your cards on the table...

I did it with a boyfriend in the same position a few years back, I couldnt get him to admit something was going on when texts really were pointing at the obvious... anyway we sorted it out after me moving out for 6 months and both doing our own thing. We got back together and everything is much better - there was one time after about 2 years that he started getting protective over his phone again and the old feelings came back... so instead of going through his phone I said something about trusting him again but if something's going on then thats it... I think it rocked him a bit because I was calm and collected etc and he knew i wasnt mucking about - he has alot to lose... anyway, he stopped being funny literally the next day and we're great (apart from the fact Im getting fed up with him now and actually like his best friend more than him, and a work colleage) and am wondering if this relationship really is THE one?!!!! 

But say what you want to him, dont hold back because you will always wonder... i did that before... and maybe it is just that (I speak to an Ex - although he always ends the conversation with "fancy a shag then" there is nothing innit at all, we just had a long history and we remain friends... although by phone only and every couple of months... but its not worth telling the bfriend that. He just rings me at work (would never give mobile number out) in fact I can never understand why people do this and get caught?  why cant they just use a phone box!!!!!   Good Luck anyway!

[undercovers]

i have obviously entered a "men are ********" thread so i won't stay long - but just to say, what has he actually done? he hasn't cheated on you he has simply maintained a friendship after a relationship has failed - i would suggest that the reason he is keeping it from you is because you react badly he him having contact this women and seem to want to control his access to the outside world. It appears he has done a lot for you, e.g. helping keep a nice roof over your head supporting you and trying to keep you happy be throwing away his own phone (because it upset you that he could use it to contact people other that you). If things have been good recently then please be happy with that and try and trust your b/f, this will take  emotional stability and self confindence on your part - so try and think of way to work on this rather than ways of destroying a perfectly good relationship. Why not ask him to invite all his friends (ex's included) to a party or a night out - get to know them - they will seem less threatening then. Also try to prove that he can talk to you about things without upsetting you, be strong and he will strat to open up more - this will help the relationship more than accusations... good luck hope it works out

[Gemma1984]

uundercovers-when i say he has been texting other girls this doesnt just include his ex. His ex has also send him cards and presents which in my way of thinking are uncalled for, he had a card from her saying that she couldnt bear to lose him again.

yes he has been good to me but i have been equally as good back, i have made loan payments for him when he could manage them and paid other debts lent him money paid his rent and mine i ferry him around everywhere because he cant drive i brought him a phone to replace the one he got rid of ( which was his own choice) and the i get repayed by him using the phone i brought him to call and text girls disscussing things that he should only be doing with me, his girlfriend.

 

i did say to him when i gave him the phone calmly that if any thing happened this time them i would be off and he promised nothing would happen but now i am finding numbers on his phone and im wondering whether i am over reacting or should be on my way?

[willow74]

i think you need to ask yourself that if he hadnt lost his job would be still be with you ?  

sorry but its a key question...  you buy him a phone, probably cover the rent and god knows what else pay for. 

if he is really trying to improve his life and getting off his @rse everyday then it would help the situation but really it sounds like he is onto a good thing.  you feel guilty for checking up on him and he gets away with murder

Yes texting does not guarantee anything but if his girlfriend is treating him well and he is not returning the respect then you know what to do hun x

[undercovers]

ok sorry i take it back - the party idea is a terrible idea - i'm obviously not very good at this and think i will leave it to the experts, must have drunk to much coffee today... but having in the past been the one accused and been innocent i would suggest be careful as it ruined my relationship with a girl who was other wise very nice. I dumped her in the end and she took this as her final proof, never did get her to see sense but then as you can see i'm not too good at expressing myself when it somes to these sort of things (i don't surpose many men are really).. any way good luck, don't let a scheming ex break you up or make you nervous - i'm sure you are a million time betterer than any of the ex's - and remember he did chose you! I hope it works out - talk to him with out attacking him or he'll go on the defensive and you'll get no where... good luck

[flaming]

You've had good advice here and you seem to have gone as far as you can talking to your boyfriend.  Texting is almost an addiction of modern times - that's the downside of  mobiles - everyone is so available all the time.  In olden days when relationships ended, that was usually that.  Now, if there's nothing else to do the temptation of texting people is irresistible to some. 

If you really can't put this matter on the back burner you ought to move on because the agony and insecurity will destroy you and lower your self-esteem.    You won't be worse off financially from what you say, even if you are without another lodger for a few weeks.  You seem to have been paying the lion's share lately.  undercovers  is right though, if he hasn't been unfaithful he may well be if he thinks you are suspicious all the time.  Give a dog a bad name... You will become a jailer figure and he may well end up being unable to make love to you.   We women have to hope for the best but at the same time accept there is a side to our men that is in a box, aside from their loved ones, secret.  Men can't be open with women because it usually brings about the very thing they don't like - questioning of their actions, arguments about it, women in tears.  So they cover up little things, nothing things, which makes women even more suspicious.  Don't waste your young life checking up on mobiles and going through pockets. That way madness lies.  The time in France idea is a good one, if possible, as it will give you the chance of standing back, seeing from afar.  Good luck!  I am sure we'd all like to know how you get on.

[country_boy]

Trust your instinct, and don't let your guilt about your investigations get in the way. 

[Sall]

hi gemma,

he has too much time on his hands and he may be slipping into his old ways again.  but that is no excuse, i think you should take the bull by the horns and ask him out right, i would ring the numbers on the phone and find out who they are first and if you don't like what you hear then confront him.  he may have a self esteem problem and he might need other girls to big him up, other girls who don't know that he is unemployed and who do't know the reality of the situation...  just a thought - good luck anyway.

sall