Somewhere in the Golden Triangle of Ripon, Pateley Bridge and Masham.
As others have said, it can be quite isolated in winter.
Grewelthorpe, Kirkby Malzeard etc.
I agree, Homes, that Sutton Coldfield is a lovely place to retire to, although I do remember a couple of ABers saying they were made to feel unwelcome when they moved there in retirement from London.
I think one abandoned car in 20 years is not too bad, and I hope the fact that it came from Glasgow hasn't put you off Scotland for that's a lovely part of the UK too.
I always think villages in Devon and Cornwall are lovely places to live.
Another golden triangle would be Kendal, Lancaster and Settle in Ribblesdale. Not too cold in winter ,lovely scenery and grand folk, on the whole. Would include Grange over Sands too- very civilised place.
I'd imagine if you want nowhere near towns, cities, main roads ect... it would, technically, be in the middle of the Cairngorms national park somewhere.
My sister lives in a village called Stoke Climsland in Cornwall but right on the boarder to Devon. There a post office, church and social club plus and other than the occasional group of you g farmers passing from the agricultural college a couple of miles away, it's dead as a dodo. The only way into it is through a couple of miles of single track roads but Calling is about 5 or 6 miles away for a bit of shopping. You'd have to be pretty dumb to end up there without trying, it's not the sort of place you find by accident. It's about as inland as you can be in Cornwall. If I could get work there I'd be there tomorrow. The only problem is that the village is owned by the duchy so if she wants a goat she's gotta check its ok with the big gahoona.
Several villages south-west of Banbury. Tranquil, no aircraft routes overhead. 3 - 5 m from Banbury rail station and M40. Not too bad for commuting either to Birmingham or Oxford. Lots of thatched cottages. A few areas flood, but you can check this.
///No planes overhead, crime, or motorways, is there anywhere on the planet like that. ///
Loads of places. Many of which are in Norfolk and Suffolk is the answer. I've heard a plane over head only once or twice in all the years I've lived on the Norfolk Broads and that was probably for the annual air show. We're famous for being 50 miles from the nearest motorway and crime is very low.
Suffolk is beautiful if you want picturesque too, and there are very few big towns and cities there. Just a bit too sleepy for me but its probably just what you're looking for. Google somewhere like Cavendish Village for example.
We have friends who live in the middle of wildest Wales, really quiet, except when planes scream down the valley really low. Their house is up for sale!
I have been through most of the places mentioned as I'm a seasoned traveller.
Regarding Beddgelert in Wales....yes those low flying jets scream at you.
...Cavendish in Suffolk is a nice area and near to Long Melford if you're interested in antique shops.
...Scotland seems a strange place with just one main road to get thereA9
didn't they close it for some traffic accident last year and it caused havoc.
....The Caigngorns is a nice area and have spent many weeks at Aviemore although its a tourist hot spot.
...The Isle of Skye seems a bit remote and would begrudge paying those bridge tolls every time you came over the Kyle of Lochash.
...Chipping Norton is a bit too posh for me and the property prices reflect it.
...Suffolk, Norfolk and Lincolnshire seem prize candidates if I can escape the jets from Mildenhall and when they build the new dual A11 should help matters.