Is it unreasonable for me to feel annoyed?

[Gemma1984]

Story goes....

me and my boyfriend rent his mothers house from her as she has moved into her boyfs house but didnt want to sell up so we rented from her, she moved out in november and me and my boyfriend have been living happily together ever since.

Last night his mother turned up at one in the morning annoucing that she was moving back in, the sound of the front door opening woke me up, my boyfriend was still awake downstairs as hes a bit of a night owl, then half an hour later i was still upstairs at this point with no real clue of what was going on as i was trying to get back to sleep, she promptly started bring all her belonging in from the car making alot of noise, i finally gave in and went downstairs to see what was going on and she half heartedlyasked if it was ok for her to move back in when we obviously couldnt say no becuas it is her house after all but i think its a bit unreasonable to turn up at that hour in the morning knowing full well i have to get up in the mornin! i am fuming about the whole situation. She also want to move in a lodger that was lodging with them in her boyfriends house i just dont think she is being fair!

[Scarlett]

She is absolutely not being fair. Unfortunately this is what happens whe you rent from friends and family rather than an agent or private landlord. did you have any kind of rent agreement with her? Legally (if you do) the landlord has to give 24 hours notice before even VISITING, regardless of whether it is his house or not!

I would sit her down with a cup of tea, and say that whilst you appreciate that this is her house, you renting it is a business arrangement, and as such, you agreed to share with your boyfriend, and not with her and a lodger. Explain that you want to carry on living with your boyfriend, and therefore if she now wants her house back, you and your boyfriend will be moving out.

Then start looking for somewhere else to live. I had a horrible experience when I rented "casually" from a friend of a friend. We had no rent agreement or rent book etc, and every month she denied receiving the money I had left for her. She was up all night playing the bongos with her toyboy, and was a complete cow to me. If I had had a proper contract, none of this would have happened!

[butter1]

To be honest Gemma I wouldn't be happy with this either.  Although it is her house, she made a verbal agreement that she would rent it out to you and her son.  She cannot just turn up in the early hours of the morning moving her things back in and waking the whole house.  Although you can't do much about the situation as it is her house...she should at least respect that you have to get up early for the work the next day.  Do you think she has just had a little row with b/f and things will blow over...she may move back in with him in a few days.  If that does happen maybe you and your b/f should think about getting an offical contract together so that she can't just turn up un-expected...

[kazzee69]

This isn't acceptable. Even if she had absolutely no where else to go. She can't just turn up in the middle of the night.. especially with a lodger. You have rights when you are renting. I don't know what your contract is with her but I would definately have words with her. Maybe call Citazens Advice Bureau if she can't be reasoned with. Good luck!

[Gemma1984]

i am glad others share my opinion! i was very weary at first about renting from the in laws as such but everything seemed ok apart from her popping in quite frequently but then i am living with her son so i understand her popping in to see him!

like some of you have said we havent got any written agreement it was all verbal which again i was weary of i wanted a rent book and at least have something signed! i have just been home for lunch and all her stuff is still strewn all over the downstairs of the house! and shes no where to be seen! all my housework over the weekend has gone to pot as all her bags are lying around now!

just to respond to kazzee69 she didnt turn up with the lodger he is away for the weekend but she was insiting that its only fair for him to stay with us as he will have no where to go which i dont understand as he has lived with her boyf before she moved in so i dont see why he cant stay there now!

i now really want to move out but we are not in a financial situation to do so because my other haklf recently lost his job and isnt starting his new one until july!  

[floss85]

Gemma1984 I think you should talk to your bfs mum. She cant just come in, in the middle of the night with no warning. I would be annoyed just as much if she had dont it in the middle of the day!

If you dont think you'll be able to talk to her, can our bf? Surely he should have a word with her to sort things out?

[butter1]

I suggest that you save all your pennies until you have enough for a deposit on a new rented place.  Then try and find a new place once your b/f has started his new job.  It's not going to get any better and from experience, living with one of the in-laws just brings arguments.  My ex future father in law stayed out his welcome after 6 months.... it came down to the fact that it was either me or him.  I just couldn't take it anymore.  It was just like having a child in the house...he was messy, didn't know anything about personal hygiene...just awful.  I suggest maybe you could speak to your b/f's mother and tell her that your not very happy about this situation...in the nicest possible way, of course!  Good luck, I feel for you.

[woofgang]

problem is unless you have an unbised withness to your agreement, its not worth the paper its (not) printed on. Bite the bullet and accept the lesson and move on and out!!

Sorry that sounds really hard which is not my intention, but honestly you need to set a limit on how far you are prepared to go before you move out anyway. While you are stuck there, why don't you try negotiating (very firmly indeed ) a reduction in rent because now you no longer have the whole house to yourselves, this might help get you enough money to move elsewhere?

[Gemma1984]

thanks floss85! you havent replied to my email today!

[Gilli]

This may be beside the point, but if your b/f's mum is intent on bringing this "lodger" with her, have you thought they might have started a relationship ? .... hence, his having "nowhere to stay" even though he was the ex b/f's lodger originally.

Oh - and BTW, I agree with everyone else ... I'd feel as if my privacy had been invaded too as well as the "agreement" I made being thrown out of the window. If you can, I'd get out asap.

[Gemma1984]

Gilli- someone at work suggested this might be the case and it was mentioned jokingly last night by my boyf his mother denied it. i would hope thats not happening as he is ALOT younger than her!

i do feel as thought my privacy has been invaded horribly and in the middle of the night to top it off while i was in my pj's!

[Calvesy]

Your Mum's a loser. Unless you want a 24 hour Jerry Springer show I suggest you and your man get deeper pockets and rent privately. It may be smaller, unfurnished, more expensive etc but you've seen the alternative.

[kazzee69]

I strongly advice that you and your boyfriend talk this through before you speak to his mum. Make sure you and you boyfriend stand firm on this and don't let her ruin the relationship you 2 have. I would at least get a reduction in rent because now you no longer have the privacy you had before and the lodger should start paying too. But although you might get cheaper rent nothing can compare to the privacy of living independently. I know how exspensive it is to rent as me and my boyfriend have just moved out but the privacy is worth it. Good luck.

[Gemma1984]

me and my boyf spoke last night about it and he said my happiness is his main priority i agree the lodger should def be paying although im not happy about a stranger being in the house!

im def going to miss the privacy and i now feel like an outsider in what was in effect our own home! cant wander round in my pj's any more! i hope it all resolves itself pretty soon!

[misska]

Yes, you're right it is totally unfair BUT because there was no formal contract there's probably nothing you could do about it. I think the best thing to do is to talk to your bf about it and make sure you are both in agreement about how you want to deal with it because its very important that you present a united front, what ever you decide to do. And if possible get your bf to sort it out with his mother because its better if he falls out with her rather than you (falling out with her).

I don't think you could say that she can't move back in, because even though you might want to do that I'd say that prob your bf wouldn't because she is his mother after all. But you could try to put your foot down about the lodger. If that doesn't work then since shes playing the "I'm family card" then I think it would be reasonable for you two to do the same and say that you don't think you should have to pay rent. Maybe that way you could get your own place sooner. Or maybe she could lend you some money to get your own place. If all that fails then maybe you could come to an agreement that a certain part of the house is just for you and your bf say a bedroom, bathroom and another room that you could use as a sittingroom. Then at least you would only have to share the Kitchen.

This is a very delicate situation and I think it very important that you keep your cool and don't do any thing that could jeopardise the future relationship with your mother in law. She is behaving very selfishly and irresponsibly but you have to keep reminding yourself that she is prob going though a very difficult time at the moment and maybe she is not behaving as she would normally. But if you can't handle libing with her move out! You and your bf can always move back in together after July again. Good luck. M

[misska]

Hi Gemma. I'm really sorry to hear about your troubles. Its totally normal to feel annoyed, I would be furious in your situation. But I would say that you would have no legal grounds for stopping your mother in law from moving back in and I'd say your bf prob would want to do this anyway since she is his mother.

I think it very important that keep your cool so as to avoid having a huge arguement with her because it could turn into something you and she never recover from (relationship wise). So, I think you should talk things over with your bf and agree on an action plan. As much as possible I think it would be best if you bf does most of the talking with his mother, it would prob be better coming from him. You could at least try to stop the other lodger moving in. If that doesn't work then you mother in law is really taking total control and playing the "I'm family" card. Then I would think that its reasonable that you should not have to pay any rent for the duration, since you are family too. Maybe then you would be able to afford to move into another place sooner. Also, maybe she could lend you some money to get another place to make up for things. Also, if you do have to stay in the house then maybe you could agree on certain parts of the house being exclusively yours and your bf's a few rooms so that all you'd have to share would be the kitchen.

Its a very delicate situation, one which could potentially ruin your relationship with your mother in law and even your bf. So, I would go about things very carefully if I were you. Give yourself time to calm down before talking to your mother in law. Maybe it would help if you remind yourself that even though she is acting very selfishly and irresponsibly, she is probably going through a very difficult time emotionally and maybe she is not acting as rationally as she would normally. Think how you would be in that situation. Good Luck! M xx

[misska]

Sorry about that I thought the first one got lost!!! Now I feel like such a **** :-( Excuse me while I hide under my desk for a while!! BTW Which answer do you think sounded best? M!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!x!!!!!!!!!!x!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Gemma1984]

misska- both very helpful answers thank you! i wouldnt have said no to her moving in i just resent the way she has gone about it! i think we should put our foot down about the lodger as the room she wants to use for him currently has my wardrobe in because there in no room in mine and my boyfriends bedroom for it so that would all have to be moved because i cant go in 'his' room to get my things! what a mess! im off home soonto face the music!

[Scarlett]

By the way Gemma, I think you SHOULD wander around in your PJs, or in the buff, if possible- maybe then they will feel uncomfortable, which is, frankly, how they deserve to be made to feel!

[Gemma1984]

good point scarlett!! think i may have to dig out the skimpy pj's!