The 'M' word again- yea, that's right!

[HAnn521]

I have also been thinking a lot about marriage lately and I have some thoughts that I would like to bounce off of you ABer's...

Some of you may recall a post (if you answered it) of mine, in which I described my serious boyfriend and his seriously "un-anxious" attitude toward marriage. We are both only 22 and I realize this is young, but after the relationship has passed the year mark, I am unable to stop wondering about when he might be ready for marriage! We've discussed and he's not the rushing type...he has his head on straight (i.e. wants successful job, house,etc. before marriage), but that could take a while (def. several years) and I'm concerned!

I feel like I am getting real close to being ready for marriage, and I have parents who have been happily married over 20 yrs and a family that's totally divorce-free...my boyfriend however, has a now-single mother (his father and mother were never married) who did go through a divorce...as did his Aunt, his dad (twice I think), and his best friend's parents as well....

Bottomline: I am really getting worried that he will never want to commit to marriage b/c of the negatives he has grown up around...I wonder if I feel I am ready b/c I have seen only positive sides to marriage, and therefor look forward to it more than he can...

What do you all think?? Is he putting it off and being frightened of marriage b/c of the what he's seen?? or do you think children don't absorb much of the way their parents experienced/ or didn't experience marriage? Please tell me what you think....will he ever want to commit and start thinking of marriage as a wonderful thing that most people strive to have?!?

[Scarlett]

I don't wish to crush your ardour, but in my opinion you are both still very young. But the main thing is, ALL relationships are still fantastic and bright and buzzy a year in. After 2 years you start to know what you have on your hands, and after 3 years you have pretty much seen the best and worst of each other. Then you get the big 7 year itch.

I would just keep being happy together, but don't rush into anything. Have you had relationships that have lasted longer than a year before? If so, you will know that the honeymoon period lasts about 1.5 years. Sorry to be so pragmatic about it, but I speak from a lot of experience!!x

[HAnn521]

Thanks for the reply Scarlett...yes, I was previously in a 3-year relationship before I met my boyfriend today...I have always dated seriously, with the intent on making it last...so I do have high hopes for this one...but I am also enjoying the, as you say, "honeymoon phase"....

Now I would like thoughts concerning my questions about people taking after/not taking after their parent's marriage experiences...... anyone?

[Morrisonker]

I hope that I will never be affected by how other people live their lives, but maybe it's inevitable that because my parents broke up when I was 2, I'm wary of diving into a relationship.  Mainly because I don't want to go to all the hassle (and expense) of marriage when it might not work out.  I would like to get married, but right now I think that the idea of living and growing old with my lover.  It wouldn't make it any more or less horrible to break up, but I think it would be more exciting to live in sin ;-)

[Mistopheles]

I answered your previous question, as I'm going through the same thing, just 7 years further on than you - I want to get married, but my partner isn't bothered.

My parents are divorced, and both are now on their 3rd marriages. Almost every relative I have is on their 2nd or 3rd marriage (sad sign of the times, isn't it). It hasn't stopped me wanting to get married - if anything it's made me more determined to get it right! My partner on the other hand, comes from a family with no divorces; his parnets are still married and still in love. Yet he's in no rush to get married.

So what I'm getting at is don't automatically presume he'll never marry just because his parents got divorced.

[jean88]

Hi HAnn521 -As you have noticed I posted a similar question before yours. I too is a bit puzzled about the Big "M". Many of my friends would live with their partners, get a mortgage, have kids etc... but they wouldnt mention anything about marriage. WHY? So you are still classify sort of as attached/unmarried? They would make up all sorts of excuses and say I am old-fashion. I always believe in marriage, I think it makes you feel more closer. Nobody can predict the future, people are just scared of commitments and would probably see it as a trial marriage, doesnt work out, walk out without all the hassel. But it doesnt stop them having kids, thats commitment. Well, to me anyway.

Most men are ambitious, your b/f is right in a way, he is setting a goal for the future, its a real world out there, you still need to support yourselves.

I think you still have plenty of time, dont rush things.  

[MJT2003]

A word of warning - I was (it certainly felt like it) railroaded into marriage at 24 by me ex-wide and her overbearing mother, and pretty much resented it from day one. So much so that after 4 years I decided I wanted a divorce.

 

I put all of this down to the fact that I did not want to get married, but went along with it for a quiet life (yes, I know I should've had the balls to say I wasn't ready).

 

I am now in a happy, stable unmarried relationship with a two year old daughter, and wouldn't have it any other way.

 

So, in my case, pressing the marriage issue ended in a divorce after only 4 years.