Despratley need some help...

[Juliett]

my dad is the most important thing in the world to me and i love him so much that if he died id probably kill myself just so i wouldnt have to go on without him. but i just found out that him and my older sister have been smoking pot together for 14 years. i dont know what to do. i cant even bare to look at him hardly anymore. its like hes not the person i loved to me anymore, hes just another druggy. and hes stupid and immature. i dont know what to do now. its like the two people i thought i could ever trust have been lieing to me my whole life....what should i do???

[Scarlett]

I think you should tell him exactly what you have told us. He obviously thinks nothing of smoking pot, and indeed, a lot of people do it "socially" as part of their lives. It has been a shock for you to discover it. However, this does not make him a "druggy" or a bad person. If he has been doing it for 14 years, then he must have been doing it for most of your life, and has still been a good Dad and role model for you.

I liken this to finding my Mum's vibrator...! It is a shock to find out that parents are human too. Tell him how you feel, but try not to judge him. This is all part of who he is. He is probably not too pleased with himself either, and that is why he has kept it from you all this time.

Good luck- and remember- he is still your Dad!

[HAnn521]

Tell him exactly how much he has disappointed you!! Do not be afraid to show him your true feelings, he is at fault here...a father should NOT be doing drugs...no one who smokes pot deserves to have children in my opinion...it is harmful to him mentally and physically...he needs to know that you are disappointed and disgraced by his inability to make intelligent life choices! and if you have to, get him help...like scheduling him to take part in a drug rehab program.

I can relate, as my brother (older two years older than me) was admitted to a Rehab facility when we were younger because he got dangerously invloved in drugs...I cared about him a great deal and just the fact that he knew he was a diappointment to me helped him turn his life around! Blessings to you Juliett...

[lissyl78]

Agree totally with Scarlett but also think that a big part of the reason you're so hurt is that you've found out that there's a part of him you don't know. I felt really angry when I found out that my boyfriend smokes the odd joint and at the time thought it was the drugs that bothered me. Then I realised that it because I thought I knew everything about him and I didn't and that was the true shock.

As Scarlett said, try not to judge him, talk to him and go from there.

Good luck! And try not to let it get you down. x

[FP]

I agree with Scarlett as well.  Your Dad has been a good father to you and you have looked up to him and probably hero worshipped him.  This is natural - I felt like this about my father.    However, you are growing up now and finding out that your Dad is a real person.  Smoking pot is not a good idea, but your Dad has made an informed choice.  Does he smoke cigarettes?  They are just as addictive and very bad for health, but you probably don't feel so bad about them. 

My Dad had an affair when I was young.  He was still a good Dad, but he made mistakes too.  Part of being an adult means being able to think about things objectively and realise that life is not perfect.

Your Dad is not stupid and immature - just a normal person with some silly and bad habits.  Noone is perfect.  Talk to him about it.  Tell him your worries.

Good luck.  You are a very lucky girl to have a lovely, loving dad and a supportive sister.  So many people would envy you.

x

[jno]

Juliett, he hasn't changed since yesterday - what has changed is what you know about him. It must be a shock - and to have your sister involved too will only add to it. I don't know how this tallies with their previous behaviour (did he preach against drugs to you?) but did he actually lie to you, or just keep some of his life private? We all do that... are there things you do or think which you haven't told him?

Really, he's no more druggy or stupid or immature than he was before you found out. Try adjusting your thinking on the basis of your experience: instead of thinking drug users are stupid, think that some of them at least are just like your father and sister. (And on the other hand, some stupid and immature people don't touch drugs at all.)

Scarlett is right: try to tell him what you think. You have every right to be surprised and upset by what you've discovered; and although you probably can't expect him to change, you can make your disapproval clear. But don't stop loving them. If they were a good family a week ago, they're a good family now.

[jkkerr]

Tell your Dad AND your sister that you feel disappointed about the pot.  Assure them that you have no interest in smoking pot.  Maybe you should have something that you can do with your dad (a common interest or hobby?) so that you don't feel threatened by the time that he spends with your sister.

If you love him so much don't punish yourself by hating him!

[Juliett]

thank you all so much for your help. you've been very kind in giving me your advice. i know you are all probably right in the fact that i should tell them and who knows, maybe i will stop being so scared and do it.

to some of your questions:

he doesn't smoke cigarettes, and he's just told me a lot about "drugs are bad, people who smoke them are bad, never do them, i was stupid ever to do them, don't end up like that" so in a way he is lieing to me, but i dont know