Love Or Family

[breadstick]

Hi,

I live with my brother who has a slight disability, i have met a wonderful woman and we very much love each other so we are discussing moving in together next year

the problem is my brother is very dependent on me he has social anxiety which makes having a social life very difficult for him and if i move out i am not sure he would cope all that well in terms of being lonely etc he has had drink problems as well in the past, i love the woman i am with though and i want a life with her so i feel very torn about what to do :(

[murraymints]

You must speak with social services and medics, set up a care plan..and most importantly speak to brother...I'm sure he'll be happy for you ...

[rockyracoon]

I agree with MM, plus maybe start spending a night a week away from your brother and build it up to more nights gradually, this will get him used to you not being there all the time. Reassure him that you'll still be there for him and that you'll see him regularly.

Harsh for your brother I know but I think you should grab a chance of happiness with your lady friend, if you don't you'll end up resenting him.

[Cloverjo]

As long as you see him often, I'm sure he'll be ok. You have a life to lead too and surely he wouldn't want you to miss out on a chance of a happy life with this woman.

[Scarlett]

I agree that you need to start spending time away from him to get him used to it, but do it gradually. And speak to social services about getting him a support worker or someone who can visit regularly. You deserve to be happy, but don't rush into this. In my experience, the rose tinted specs only really come off after being with someone for 2 years. Then real life sets in. If you move out in a flurry of new love, you may find out that it is not as you'd hoped it would be, and that would mess your brother around. Be really sure you want to live with this lady before you make any decisions. And in the meantime, stay over at hers so everyone gets used to it. You could also go on holiday. Speak to other friends of your brothers and get them to come over and visit, with you and then without you. Your brother must not feel like you are deserting him as that might set him drinking again. Be fair and be sensible.

[pixie373]

I agree with Scarlett. Settle him first and get him some support, but unless you are prepared to live with him forever, this will bee inevitable at some point. You have a right to your own life, but reassure him too.

[lcg]

how about getting a property with an annexe or extra rooms to accommodate him so that you can have the best of both worlds? i appreciate the comments above about how important it is for you to be happy and lead your own life, but how far is your lady willing to compromise and share you with your brother? she has, after all, pursued a relationship with you knowing all about your brother and has she given you an ultimatum (i.e. it's me or him)?

if the latter is the case, are you willing to make drastic changes (and maybe irreparable ones) to your and your brother's lives for someone who has done this? it may be a warning sign that she will continue to behave this way in the future with you - maybe saying and pressuring you into things you do not want and could cause you deep unhappiness and issues down the road.

i see no reason why you cannot all live together happily and lead productive lives all under the same roof - i currently live with my hubby of 20 years and his brother moved in when our son went to uni last year. he has chronic paranoid schizophrenia and is bloody hard work - but i would never give an ultimatum to mr kicker over this. it has caused lots of problems and we work them out together and discuss things in great detail to make them work.

next year, when our son finishes uni, if he decides to return home, we will have to up sticks and get a larger property to ensure everyone has space and is happy (enough), even though i will be devastated to lose my current home. and, considering the circumstances for us, my son will probably end up in the annexe as that would be the best fit for all concerned. but - i would do this for all my boys and myself!

there are ways through every issue and loving couples make huge sacrifices for each other in order for relationships to grow, change and adapt to all the events life chucks at you. discuss all this openly with your partner - if she is not even approachable or willing to consider this for you (and your brother).....how on earth are you going to survive being in this relationship? it's not something that i would tolerate in a life partner. i wish you all good luck x

[mariostewart62]

Need to discuss with that woman about it, because in real love everything is acceptable.

[Scarlett]

Been thinking about this and I agree with Icg. Where is the rule that says when you get in a couple you must break off and sit in a box together? What happened to the extended family?! Fair enough if you are thinking of having kids and raising them in your house but if you are planning on just being a couple, why not do that alongside your brother, who absolutely needs you. Try and find a house where he can have his own bit, floor or space so you get privacy. And think REALLY hard about whether this suggestion of living together has actually come from you or your lady. If it has come from her, be careful. She wants you to herself, of course she does! But your brother needs you and he is family. Family are forever. Relationships come and go.