Suicide?

[LiverpoolLou]

DON'T WORRY I'M NOT IN THAT FRAME OF MIND.

What I wanted to ask was, what do you think of people who decide to take their own lives.

I posted an answer on here some months ago in regard to this. My ex boyfriend took his own life, it was 8 years ago. I still to this day wonder if only I'd have done this or that.....we had split up about 2 weeks before he did it.

After he had done it, his family and friends put him on a pedastal...made him out to be a saint....I can understand that....they don't see any wrong. It was always "rrr Marty, he was the life and soul of the party" But what his family didn't see was what went on behind closed doors. They blame me and still do now 8 years later........I could understand that a few years ago..yenno, you need someone to blame.....but now, I'm trying to get on with my life....I'm engaged to the most lovely fella....wish I could have met him years ago.....and I love him to bits.

I have had counselling over this, but I still can't get this niggling if only out of my head.

I think people who do this are selfish....someone said to me years ago.......I think he was brave to do what he did....and in my sorry state remember agreeing with this person........now 8 years later....sorry but people who do this type of thing are selfish and don't give 2 monkeys about who they leave behind.

[lindapinda]

Hi liverpoollou,i'm glad to hear that things have worked out well for you now! I've never been in your situation,so can't understand what you went through at the time or since.However,although suicide is ultimately the most selfish thing any person can do,I don't think anyone can really know what goes on in someones mind or how bad they feel,for whatever reason,to drive them to do what they do.Its horrendous I know for those that love them,but,I don't think they mean to be selfish,it's just that the sadness is too much for them.Hope all goes well for you in the future!

[LiverpoolLou]

Thanks Linda........you always write such beautiful answers. Thanks.XX. Your words mean so much. I'm so happy now...but as I said....the niggling thing....I'll get over that in time.

[lindapinda]

Glad to chat to you lou!Night night!

[LiverpoolLou]

Good Night, God Bless Linda.. and thanks again.

[londondave]

Have to disgree there! I think it depends on the circumstances! Suicide is not in my opinion selfish. It is a desperate act. There are a number of reasons why someone would want to kill themselves, for example where councilling has failed to erase painful memories of being a abused child. An illness that a person just can not have a fulfilling life with or live with in general, being in constant pain, severe depression etc.

You may think it is selfish, but I think it is cruel to keep someone alive in a world that they do not want to be in whether they are ill, in pain, depressed etc. Afterall none of us actully asked to be born.

What hppened was not your fault, it probably would have happened anyway if he was that way inclined.

[Lisax]

i believe that many people who commit suicide dont actually mean to.... for many its a cry for help that goes further than they plan.

obviously some people do intend to and although yes you are right it is a selfish act what you have to remember is if they are in the fram of mind to think about committing suicide then they arent in a frame of mind to be thinking about other people. they are unwell mentally and needed help... can you ever imagine feeling so low that you would want to take your own life??? these people arent brave, not all are selfish, they are just unwell x

[davidardill]

I was in a relationship with a girl who had suffered from anorexia and had a badly fragmented family life - brother a sister who were much older and had moved away, while her parents were too busy running their business to ever give her any real attention, instead giving her free rein on credit cards etc as a way of making up for it. She was a really good looking girl, which was what attracted me to her, and we ended up together, and i thought the world of her for a short time...however, she started depending on me, and considering I was 18 at the time, i was struggling enough handling my own emotional development and problems, let alone someone elses. it got to the stage where i had to leave her because if i didnt spend 22 hours of the day with her, i would end up ont he end of a barrage of abuse and often there were suicide threats, eg text messages that said things like "i want you here with me forever or i'm going to end it all...", even after we split up... i was constantly on a knife edge as although i wasnt really involved with her any more, she was still able to keep pulling me back with the threat that she would take her own life. in the end i had to cut and run - i realised that what she did was fuelled by what was going on in her head and whatever i said or did, it was not me who could make decisions for her. everyone has their own life, their own goals and emotions, and it is up to each and every person to handle them and not to use them as a blackmail tool against those closest to them....(continued next)

[davidardill]

(continued)...as it happened, she never took her own life, she just woke up to the fact that she couldnt get her own way by emotionally bribing me or anyone else...i suffered threats of violence, threats against my family and mental torture, and still live with the legacy today, but i am starting to get things back together and as far as i know she has gone off to live her life and is loving everything, without a second thought to the trauma caused to myself and my family. no-one is ever beyond help, it is a coward that takes the easy option and runs from issues, however serious and deeprooted.

every problem has an answer, it is up to individuals, with help is necessary from professionals, to find their answers...if there is one good thing to come from this, and one thing i have learned, it is precisely that.

[Lisax]

dave, its not necisarilly just the problems... the problems can trigger mental illness in which casethey dont have control over everything.

anorexia is a form of mental illness and food is something they can control but with anorexia comes all teh other problems.... she has probably had the help she needed now... remember she was young too and probably was goingthrough a traumatic time in her life too

[davidardill]

sorry, i probably didnt give the whole story...it is a long and protracted one that would take a lot more than just 2 text boxes. i persuaded her to go see counsellors but she threw it back in my face and refused to go. she agreed to speak to a trained counsellor at the college we went to, who in turn spoke to me as well, and he said that the anorexia seemed like a facade, covering up the real problems. as soon as she started using me as an emotinoal crutch, the eating disorder cleared up over night as she was getting the attention she wanted.

we split up in august of 2002 and i saw her again in that october, by which time she told me she had everything sorted and was happy again...she went off to live in london and went to university, while i was unable to take my place at Manchester Uni due to the fact that i had no confidence, no believe, no ego and no life.

she has left me with deep psychological scars, which i have had therapy over, and i am still suffering the consequences to a degree. surely if her problems were that deep she wouldnt be over them quite so quickly?

[Lisax]

how old are you?? what do you do now??

[davidardill]

i'm nearly 21 now, i work for a local newspaper...its a good job, the sort i've wanted since i was young, but i have effectively sacrificed the chance of a lifetime offered by university.

[mycatis]

I have had 2 friends who have killed themselves one really close friend and one probably not so close but I had known him for 13 years. With my close friend she always had issues and had made a half-hearted attempt years before which I'm afraid I just got angry about then a couple of years ago she hanged herself. I felt guilty for so long that she couldnt talk to me, blamed myself for being angry the last time. But now I feel that if she was gonna do it then nothing I said was gonna stop her.
For some reason when my other friend killed himself I didnt feel quite as bad (thats not to say I didnt care) but he was a messed up guy whose dad (who he was very close to) had died and I feel that it was a decision that he made and what right do I have to tell someone they should keep living when they are so desperately unhappy?
I always said that if (God forbid) anything happened to my son then I couldnt go on living, my friend said that would be selfish but I tried to explain if she cared at all about me she wouldnt want me to suffer for years she would let me go.  It's always an emotional thing but if someone is so desperate and determined to die then they will and it's their choice

[Lisax]

your still young enough to go back and do it all if you want dave. you need to leave the past behind you.... i know that is hard if there is alot of emotional scars left but you need to move forward.

do you find it hard to trust girls now??

(btw.... before you think i am some oldie going on at you i am actually the same age as you)

[davidardill]

yeah i do find it hard to trust anyone now, outside of my immediate family and best friends. i haven't had any problem getting into the position where relationships are possible, ie i can still talk to girls and get on with people, it is like 90% of my job to talk to 'random' and new people so that has never been a problem. it is the final hurdle that is the problem though - i dont want to let anyone to get close to the 'inner me' (without sound hippy or anything).

as you say though, i am sure it is a matter of time and putting thigns behind you. while i do still believe i will be happy with someone one day, im not prepared to just throw myself into a reltionship again, more out of self-preservation and being wary of the unknown i guess.

i plan to go to uni still, maybe next year, so all is not lost...its just that ****** hindsight, 'what if' etc.

to Mycatis: sounds like you have suffered a great deal of personal loss and are probably in a 'better' (if thats the right word) position than many to comment. i suppose there is always the argument of the 'sanctity of human life' and whether anyone has the right to take away that, the greatest gift you can be given.

[Englishbird]

First and foremost Lou, it was not your fault, it has never been your fault.  I want you to believe that 100%. No if, buts or maybe's - There is nothing you did that made him take his own life. 

We all affect people throughout our lives, sometimes we p*ss people off, sometimes we make people laugh, sometimes we hurt people and sometimes we love them. 

Taking your own life is the ultimate act that is about the self.  It is either born out of psychosis, desperation or pure misery.  But every single one of us is responsible for our own actions.

I do have a lot of sympathy for people who get to the point where that is the only way out, and I don't think selfish is quite the right word, as that suggests that it is a choice.  I believe that when someone really wants to kill themselves, it is because choice - in thier minds - no longer exists.

However, I have more sympathy for those left behind, for the person that has committed suicide their pain is over whereas for everyone else it has just begun.

You deserve to be happy and you deserve to let this go, you've been carrying it around for too long.  Those who you say still blame you have their own cross to bear.  maybe it's easier for them to blame you than deal with their own feelings of guilt.

How about some sort of poinient (sp?) act. A goodbye to him and the nigging ties that are there.  Letting off balloons, writing a letter and throwing it in a river.  This might sound a bit poncy, but you need to let it go.  I am not religious, but in a way fogive him for what he did and forgive yourself.  Include your new man if you feel you want to.

Best of Luck.

[Englishbird]

David

I think you also need to try and cut this loose.  I have spent a lot of my life picking up the pieces and taking responsibility for others with problems - to my own detriment. 

It's a lesson we learn, many times the hard way.  But you are young! you have your whole life ahead of you and if you let this burden drag you down for years to come, then you will have lost even more.

You can still go to university whenever you like, there are ways and means to do whatever you would like to do.  If you're going to regret not going - then go now!!  Don't turn around in 15 years and still be saying, well I didn't get to go to uni because of this psycho, don't let it become an excuse.

I very much understand your pain, it's taken me a long time to come to terms with mine.  But let that be an end of it.  Your ex had - and probably still has - her own problems, but she's not one of yours anymore, and you've had a lucky escape.

Keep on with the councilling, it helped me no end, although it's hard at times.  It will be ok, and always remember that you can be who you want to be and you can live the life you want.  No-one else has the power to take that away from you, not if you don't let them.

good luck x

[Englishbird]

sorry, didn't see your post before i wrote that.

[magentared]

If it hurts to be alive, its a way out. If it really really hurts, isn't it selfish of you to expect them to live with that so you can stay content. Suicide isn't about spite, its about finding peace.

[Lisax]

what area do you live in david????