Stillbirths , Is This A Taboo Subject?

[piggynose]

it does seem that way. Media URL: http://www.bbc.com/news/magazine-36855840
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[Answerprancer]

I don't see why it should be, it's part of life, it's tragic but it happens and people need to be able to talk about it.

[Old_Geezer]

All sad subjects are ones no one reasonably rushes to introduce into the conversation and discuss. If someone affected wishes to speak of it they are able to start the conversation with friends or family.

[bednobs]

that article is interesting. As many people will know, my daughter was stillborn in 2010. I am trying to find the words to express wht i mean, forgive me if my words are clumsy or upsetting.
I think it is not "taboo" as such, but why would affected parents, or people who hve not been affected want to talk about it a lot? I certainly spend some of my time struggling like the woman in the article with the "how many children do you have" question, and most of the time don't want to get into upsetting convos about it. There re times when i want to remind the world i have 3 children, they were all biorn, all people and i love them all. I find tlking with people who have experienced the same very comforting, but do encounter a lot of traps and pitfalls if i talk bout it with people who just have no idea how it feels. Having said all that, what does annoy me is that it is so common, but with the exceton of the recent EE storyline, it's not really in the public awareness that things can and do go wrong in pregnancy other than miscarriage. 9 children a day in this country are stillborn or die shortly after birth

[piggynose]

sorry to hear about yr experience bednobs.
after reading that article, it made me stop and think, especially being a man, we will never know what its like to experience childbirth, never mind still births. so without appearing to be insenstive what should/could be done?

[ummmm]

Earlier this year one of our employees wife had a still birth. When he next came into the office I didn't know what to say.

[andy-hughes]

I think this is another aspect of western culture that we don't deal with well.

Conversations about death - from any source - are always awkward for western people, we don't have any experience in dealing with them, precisely because we tend to change the subject - always assuming it is brought up at all!

I recall a conversation with the daughter of a good friend who had undergone a stillbirth - I knew her to speak to, but had not seen her for a number of years. I asked her how she was - usual pointless and insensitive 'Western' question, and she answered that she was OK - usual pointless meaningless 'Western' answer, but I knew that this was simply my conversation opener to my real question - 'Do you want to talk about it?' - and she absolutely did.

For over an hour I listened as she talked and cried about how she felt - the main part of which was how awkward she felt around everyone tiptoeing around her because no-one wanted her to cry.

I wanted her to cry - it's good for you to cry, a very underestimated action for us buttoned-up English, and it was obvious that after chance to cry in front of a man who was not embarrassed, and a chance to talk freely about how she felt, she did feel a little better, at least for a few hours that day.

We should be more human with each other - we should be willing to listen to others' pain and not shy away and feel awkward.

It is social conditioning, and hopefully it changes as each generation is more frank and honest than the last.

[Mamyalynne]

I tend to agree, if I know someone well enough I will ask the question 'Want to talk?' and make it clear if not just now then anytime is fine.

Also more important, be a good listener.

I think fear makes us hold back, fear we may say the wrong thing - so saying nothing is a safe option.

[andy-hughes]

Mamyalynne - //I think fear makes us hold back, fear we may say the wrong thing - so saying nothing is a safe option. //

Absolutely - not saying anything is very valuable - but that has to be in the conext of letting the other person talk - not an embarrassed silence because you don't know what to say - that's different.

[NoMercy]

My cousin gave birth 2 years ago but the birth was very traumatic and the baby was starved of oxygen. After 2 days they made the heartbreaking decision to turn off her life support. My cousin bathed and dressed her post-mortem and they then had a funeral service shortly thereafter.

Everyone deals with grief and loss differently but in my cousin's case, she is a haunted woman who will never truly come to terms with it. She fell pregnant against rather staggering odds and her chance of doing so again are rather remote.

I can't begin to comprehend how it feels to go through such a loss.

[jourdain2]

I think that it is such a deep hurt and grief that it is inexpressible for some time. By the time people most affected can talk about it the others they could speak to are trying to move on - so things don't get said.

[andy-hughes]

jourdain2 - //I think that it is such a deep hurt and grief that it is inexpressible for some time. By the time people most affected can talk about it the others they could speak to are trying to move on - so things don't get said. //

The problem is, in Western society, the imperative to 'move on' is paramount, and conducted with as much haste as possible - indecent haste in most cases.

Any sort of grief is entirely individual - and some people need to talk quickly and often, some slowly and rarely, and all shades in-between.

Western society dictates that grieving is (God forbid!) 'making a fuss' and the sooner we can all stop being embarrassed, the better.

Ideally, the bereaved person absents themselves from company for about six weeks, and then re-emerges ready to never mention their loss ever again.

[tamborine]

A late miscarriage is also traumatic for both parents, especially if its a first pregnancy. The grieving seems long & strains the relationship, often breaking it entirely. Further fear of pregnancy can last forever.

How to counsel these couples is a dilemma as they are not aware their fear is actually prolonged grieving.

[ummmm]

I don't think it makes a difference if it's a first pregnancy or not; it's just different feelings.