What age?

[Curious79]

Hiya.  I am 26 years old and am having a break from my boyfriend of 3 years.  To be honest, I don't really know what to do, split up or stay together.  I know that 26 isn't old but I am kind of feeling a bit like I am running out of time.  I would like to have children one day and I think before I am 30.  What age did ABers have children?  Do you think it is better to be a young or older mother?  Do you think that nowadays we should be married first?

[kick3m0n]

It's very much an "each to their own" kind of deal Curious.   I've got friends who had their kids when they were young (some only late teens) and others, like me, were in our 30s.  I can't say that one option seems to be "best", it is a very individual thing and I don't think any of us regret having kids at the time we did.  My partner and I were just 18 when we met at Uni, and then had a great time when we got jobs after Uni. We spent a bit recklessly, pleased ourselves and did what we wanted.  We both always wanted kids, but just waited till the time felt right for us.  I was 32 when I had my wee boy. I'm now 34 and would love to have another child soon - I certainly don't feel too old.  If anything, I was a bit less patient, more impetuous and less tolerant when I was young, and so for me, I think it was right to wait until I was older. As for marriage - again that's a very personal decision.  For us, it's not really relevant, we may do it one day if we want to, but it's not important for us now.   After 16 years, we're more in love than ever, and we are both absolutely committed to giving our son a loving, happy and stable upbringing. 

It sounds like you and your boyfriend need to have an honest, open, heart to heart about your feelings....on each other, your relationship, kids and the future.  maybe then you'll be clearer about what you want.  Don't rush into anything because you have a schedule in your head that you want to keep to it.  Life has a wonderful way of upsetting such timetables.

Good luck, whatever the outcome. xx

[lady_p_gold]

I think as kick said, it is up to the individual.  I had mine quite young and now it is fun as we all go out to the pub together and they have both now left home and I am still young enough to go out to Salsa lessons or art classes etc and feel I have many years of being myself ahead of me.  I think I have changed my views of marriage and so has society, what counts is the love for the child, and although I feel it is better that parents are together in a family situation and that children thrive best in that environment.  If parents are not together what they must do is be reasonable and have respect for each other and never use children as a weapon or emotional pawn.   So I do not think marriage is vital but wanting and to a certain extent planning so that you are not always destitute when they come along (as children do drain you of money!) so that you can enjoy your time with them, is important.  Once they are here, well you just manage somehow!   What you should not do however, is stay with your boyfriend when you might feel that it has run its course, because you are feeling like you are running out of time.  That will only lead to a lot more pain in the future.

[David H]

One  major piece of advice, don't stay with someone you're not sure about just to have kids. They won't fix the relationship and that'll be put under even more strain when you get a child and realise you're with the wrong person, and then things get extremely complicated.

So don't treat the two things as the same. Balance how you feel about this one, is it better with him or without him, and if without he's not the one to have kids with. Patience has to be used whatever your age as any decision you make out of desperation could last a very long time. And 26 is pretty early to worry about biological clocks, it's not a competition and you've got well over 15 years, probably a lot more, by when you'll know far better who is right for you and there's never a need to get into a relationship for a secondary reason, whether for children, money or to get away from parents. Patience is the key here, good luck.

[woofgang]

was going to make the same point as DavidH. the two things are not the same. With the greatest respect, your desire for children is not a reason to stay with someone who isn't "the one" and risks putting innocent chidren in the middle of a split later. Get yourself sorted out first, then think about whether it is right for you to become responsible for bringing other people into the world.

This sounds quite preachy. Honestly I don't mean it that way, its just from what you have posted, you seem to be a bit confused right now.

[Curious79]

Thanks for all of your honest answers.  I would never dream of having children now even if I was in a stable relationship as I know I am not ready.  I just wondered what kind of ages people had children.  A few of my friends had children when they were late teens so I mostly hear the good points about being a young Mum and wanted to hear opinions of being an older Mum.  I am going to take time with my boyfriend and do what is best for both of us.  The last thing I want to do is drag it out if we will eventually split as that isn't good for either of us.  It's hard!

[loopey]

it just depends on the person,I had my first when I was 21 and my third at 33, I enjoyed all of them and felt confident with them all the only thing I would say is your body copes better with the strains of labour and birth when your younger and risks such as downs syndrome increases the older you are.