To look or not

[jen1302]

Anybody else experienced and how did they deal with it.

I looked through my b/f's emails and found he had had sex with another woman last week.now do i let it go cause what i done was wrong, as i should never have found out, or do i admit i looked through his emails and confront him.

know am a bad person for looking through the mails now am kicking myself that i know the info and can do nothing about it!

[Lisax]

confront him!!! tell him you had suspicions so looked. then finish with him.... you deserve better x

[ineedahobby]

If it was me I would have to confront him, impossible not to surely??

Your breech of privacy crime is the lesser of the two offences.

[jen1302]

Problem with confronting him is that you end up in the wrong for looking at his mails, and the fact he's been with another woman is just a minor detail....

I should really post the question, y cant can life be easy"!"

[mimififi]

confront him in a kind way (being really really cunning here!)

Tell him "I'm really worried honey that you seem distracted.  I am afraid maybe I've done something wrong, you seem distant.  I'm so sorry but I just can't help feeling like maybe you're not interested anymore and It makes me feel bad for thinking badly of you.  I know there couldn't be anyone else, because you wouldn't do that to me, but I just feel like something is bothering you.  Wanna talk?"

Then he will either confess or deny.  he might accuse you of looking at his email, he won't know that you have, but if he does accuse you then you know that it's true.  Ask him, "why would I look at your email, you're not hiding anything are you?"

If he says, "Of course not honey, I love you, of course there's no one else." You know he's not only a cheat but also a liar.  Pack your shoes, and get outa there.

THis way, you would have stitched him up and not had a blazing row.  I haven't looked at my hubby's mail because I have no reason to.  If you read his mail then maybe subconsciously, you already knew something was wrong.  If I did read my husband's mail, he wouldn't be worried anyway because we don't have a secrets from each other.  If you have secrets from each other that make you secretive about your email, then something is amiss.

Don't feel bad.  feel lucky you found out now, and not in 5 years time. Thinking of you jen.

[jen1302]

Your right mimififi i only looked cause i was so suspicious, and now i know i had every reason to!

Makes me furious that he shagged her on the Wednesday and only 5 days later said he was besottled with me and really wants to be with me forever.

Do you think the guilt has crept in?...and he really means it!...

[ineedahobby]

jen1302, are you 100% certain hes been unfaithful, I mean theres no other possible explanation for what you read?

[jen1302]

you tell me ineedahobbie

I quote "did you *** last week?......on the worktop?..."

Reply "yes i always *** with you"

[ineedahobby]

so its not even a one off then?

[jen1302]

It's been happening on and off for the past year aparentley.Thot it had finished tho, i TRUSTED him..he's not besottled with me atall, if he carries on with that behaviour....am a mug

[woofgang]

umm trouble is that its not just the infidelity, he is also exposing you to the risk of all kinds of nasty diseases. Imho, you don't need a reason, discussion, confrontation, just go (or kick him out)

[hairylemon]

wouldnt feel bad bout rootin through his mails...we all do it. its a fact that at any given oppurtunity we all take a peek at txt msgs etc. ita a minor technicality how u found out but the fact is he's cheating. get rid of the offending item..ie your man. Dont u think u deserve better??

[banth]

Hi,

I just wanted to say that any admitting to the reading of his emails will not only lead to the possibility of the arguement turning on you but also there may be the chance that he will act all upset and regretful in order for you not to leave him. "I'll never do it again, I promise" - I know I've certainly heard that before!

If I were in your shoes I'd just do as the others say and pack your bags and never look back. Why would you want to stay with him? Don't let him walk all over you, you're worth much more than that and believe it or not there are some good guys out there.

[jake-the-peg]

A lot of people have the dump him/her knee-jerk reaction when they hear of infidellity but unless they know you and your situation it's often not that simple.

Dumping an unfaithful partner is rather different if your 21 and have been going out with someone for 6 months than if you've been together for many years with kids.

I think it's easy to see that if you ignore it it is likely to continue and probably happen again with somebody else. So that's probably a bad choice.

You could just walk out - that's easier in terms or rows and arguments and rebuilding trust etc. If you don't have much invested in the relationship that's probably easiest.

If you decide that it's worth trying to save the relationship, you could try to be sneaky but there's a good chance you'll be found out and if it's at a bad stage it could wreck what you're trying to rebuild.

I'd suggest you decide if you want to try to save it. If you don't just walk. If you do, decide what you want to happen. You could for example simply say that you read the mails and you know and you want to go to councilling together.

If you do tell him he'll get angry. Everybody does when they've been caught out in some way, especially if they can see some way to share some of the blame - don't get drawn into a fight don't try to justify reading the mail or anything else. Stick simply to the facts of the situation that you're now both in.  Give him time to decide what to do. It's a lot easier to keep your head with a major row if you know you're going to start it and you know in advance the other person's going to explode. You can pick your time - and don't get drunk for courage first.

Then if he decides that he doesn't want to save your relationship, that's it - it takes two to want to. If he does then you can try to go forward.

Best of luck with whatever you decide 

[louadams6]

you are not a bad person for looking! dont do yourself down you are not at fault here. You can do something about it, you can hold your head up high and finish with him knowing you havent done anything wrong. You can always finish with him and not give him a reason! I personally would get rid of and find someone who treats you with the respect you deserve!!!!!

[Gevs1966]

Tell him you have caught an STI and see if it makes him come clean. Even if he doesn't come clean then at least it might scare him and make him go through the embarrassment of getting checked out etc (Just a small amount of petty revenge but hey what's he gonna do). You can always bin hom as well if you like!

[terrij]

Jen1302 you may think this sounds stupid but does your boyfriend go on the computer alot? if he does are you sure it is not just some one he chats and emails too......there are a lot of fantasies that go on with computer people,and in most cases they never even see each other its all in the imagination.... i know this is still wrong but at least you would know he was thinking and not really doing.

[Jackson74]

don't just sit there..............................have a word!!!!!  Catch him off guard, and see what explanation he can come up with.  You in the mean time, think about what has happened and grasp whether you have a future together.  And be prepared for all types of excuses from him..............partially blaming you is normally a cracker!!

Good luck!!!

[Headless Rat]

Hairy Lemon doesn't know what she's talking about.If we don't have reason to check up on our boyfriends/girlfriends, then why would we? Most mature adults who are in stable, secure relationships  trust their other half 100% and dont feel the need to read their private messages at every "given opportunity". Grow up.

[Scarlett]

You don't have to say you read his emails! You can confront him and just say that you KNOW he has slept with someone because a someone tipped you off, or you received a phone call or text or something, and quite frankly you trust the person that told you! You can say that you have found out through someone else, and refuse to say who because they are a friend of his. He won't be able to deny it!

[mimififi]

That could be a good way to go.  You don't need to give why's and wherefore's.  Just say, "Have you slept with anyone other than me in the last x number of weeks?"  If he spits his steak and kidney all over the sitting room carpet, then that's not a good reaction.  If he starts questioning you rather than answering the question, then the same applies.

You don't have to be angry, just get him to answer the question.  Then you'll know.  He'll either come clean and be a cheat, or he'll deny it and be a cheat and a liar. (provided there is no other explanation, that is)

And I agree with headlessRat; It would not occur to me to check my hubby's mail/texts/email at any given op.  Why would I? I have no reason to do so.  You did, because obviously you felt you had to and then got what you were looking for.  From your post, you sound sad, but you don't sound surprised.

I feel sad for you too. :-(