do men like helpless women?

[GraceAnais]

Do men like women when they are helpless? might be a silly question, but still. i'm really independent, confident and do everything for myself and always have. but lately i've started to realise that my friends that attract men are the helpless ones, it's almost like the men love being needed!! in these days of blurred gender roles, should a women forget her indepenence and act a little helpless? answers please.

[jno]

we all like the feeling of being able to help someone, so signs of weakness can be attractive. Yes, men love being needed. So do women. (Conversely, who would want to feel not needed?) It works both ways; men may also find it useful to show a little helplessness from time to time.

[mibn2cweus]

I like affirmation of appreciation.

[mullein3]

helpless women dont make good wives!! i asked mr m and he said he wouldnt have married anyone that couldnt cook...i think men like to think they provide for their familys etc...well most men do!! you get the odd ones that send the women to work while they do nothing!! i think its good you are independant and it will come in usefull later in your life..i hope robina sees this post as she will tell you all about pink and fluffy..."women"......you dont want to start acting helpless as thats a sign of weakness stay as you are as if someone thinks you are weak they take control...be yourself....

[maggie01]

A happy medium would be nice as the more you do in a relationship the more you are expected to do. So I guess being a bit helpless at times even if you could do the job yourself isn't a bad thing.

[Cheesefreek]

Mullein3 - if Mr Mullein3 knew you couldn't cook, but was in love with you, I bet he would still have married you!

[woofgang]

I think its not about being helpless in the "poor fluffy pink little me" sense. Its more about being honest, letting your partner see where you are vulnerable, accepting support and saying thank you.

[GraceAnais]

Thanks for all your feedback...it's really useful. although i am independent, i hasten to add that that does not include cooking. there's an M&S food at the end of my road so i have no need to cook!!! i think the comment about 'the more you do the more people expect' is true. as women maybe we are becoming too independent... in some ways i can't help but yearn for a time when gender roles were clearly defined. it seems these days that neither men or women know their roles, and when it comes to relationships no-one seems to know who makes the moves etc. any views on this?

[Robinia]

(Hi mullein - yes I'm here!!)

Grace did you read the chat I had with mullein a few days ago about this very subject? I've come to realise that the more you can do for yourself, the more life lets you do.
A male friend (platonic) made a comment about me not needing or wanting a new man in my life - I've been on my own quite a long time. I began to wonder whether I come over too capable because, as you say, my less capable friends have men in their lives.

I do agree that despite being able to take care of myself (as far as my health will now let me) I do prefer a traditional relationship but no cavemen thanks - not that traditional!!

Any offers to help me put some shelves up??

[GraceAnais]

the more and more i think about it it is my helpless friends that are all in relationships. the only thing i'm crap at sorting out is my car... and i have to say i literally have men rally round the minute i ask for help!!

i was in a long term relationship for 5 years, but have now been single for a year. since then i have had a few male encounters, but i'm so confused as to what part i should play. should we women let men do all the chasing? is it true that if a man doesn't call you 'he's just not that into you' or is it that men now expect women to chase as well?

[Robinia]

Grace - All I can do after all this time is just be myself & when & if I meet someone who likes me this way then I'll know that he's really for me. I have learned how to accept a compliment &, as woofgang says, to accept help when it's offered. Maybe I just need to learn how to ask for help more often!
As for who does the chasing - I'm not confident enough to just ask someone out but I do know I've missed out in the past for not allowing my feelings to be clear where a friendship could have been more.

Oh it's difficult isn't it but I tend to take each day as it arrives & one day that might include a 'someone'. 'Til then I get on with it - I've certainly never been actively 'on the pull' in my life & I don't intend to start now!!
Btw a year on your own is nothing, enjoy yourself.

[Miss Zippy]

I was in a similar position as you five years ago when I came out of a 9 year relationship. When I started dating again, I found out rather by accident (because I was genuinely too busy with work and studying for a love life) that men love to do the chasing and love a challenge. It�s got nothing to do with being helpless and acting all �fluffy�. Men aren�t frightened of strong, independent women (I wouldn�t be interested in a man that was), but they do like to feel in control and love to do the chasing. If they have to work to get a date with you because you�re too busy and if you only occasionally return their calls/e-mails/texts, you can pretty much get any man eating out of the palm of your hand. Cynical, but true. A man that genuinely likes you (and who isn�t just after sex) will be persistent, so don�t be afraid that you�re coming across as rude if you don�t return his every call/e-mail. If you�re always the one contacting him and arranging the dates, he definitely isn�t that interested and is only going along with it because it�s an �easy� option for him (until someone who really presents a challenge and arouses his interest comes along).

[GraceAnais]

i completely agree... have you ever read 'The Rules'? the men that i have no interest in, and who i keep turning down are always coming back for more. but i do think that there are men out there of the younger generation (20-30) who are so used to living in a post-feminist era, that they've forgotton what their role is as a man. i also worry though that if you act too offish with a man they think you're not interested and move onto someone who is. i often play hard to get, as i believe that it is the way forward, but it seems to me that my female friends that are honest and up front are getting further than i am. one of my male friends even suggested that i'm really intimidating to men because i 'give nothing away'. where do you find the 'happy medium'?

[mullein3]

i ask for help if i need it..for things like changing plugs etc...i am not afraid to ask..and i would ask someone out for a date..i did once when i was young many moons ago..but if i can do things myself then i will through sheer determination..i would hate to be in a relationship where i was strong and had to carry a burden of a partner along ..i could see me telling them to sling their hook..i have allways had confidence and it hasnt done me any harm..you will find someone that appreciates your qualitys..you dont know who is round the next corner..but its not worth pretending you are a weak needy person to attract them as the truth will come out eventually ..then they will think they are with a stranger..i think its good you are positive and if you need help you can ask ..if you can do it yourself ..well good for you..

[Miss Zippy]

Could you perhaps be mistaking �playing hard to get� which, to me, means not being too available and rationing the time you spend with someone in the early stages of a relationship, with putting up emotional barriers so no one can get to really know and get close to you? If you�re �giving nothing away� then perhaps you�re not making it obvious to someone just how much you enjoy their company and how much fun you have with them. In that case, you might be giving off signals that you�re not really interested and are just going through the motions. From my experience, younger guys are just as keen to play the traditional �pursuer� role and I certainly found this to be the case with my fianc� (who is a bit younger than me at 28).

[GraceAnais]

yeah miss zippy maybe you are right. i'm so cold with men as i don't want to appear eager. i had a thing with a guy during the summer. he asked me what i was doing the next day and i told him meeting a friend for lunch (which was true) then he asked me what i was doing the next night, so i told him i was at a party (again true) then he asked me whether i would be at our local pub on the sunday to which i said maybe (i never went though) he also said that maybe we'd meet up at a mutual friend's party, but i told him it wasn't my scene so i probably wouldn't go. i really liked this guy (i still do) but looking back i realise i completely blew him out. at the time i thought he was being polite, but now i realise he probably wanted to meet up. despite the fact that i'm fairly attractive and have lots of friends, when it comes to men i find it hard to believe anyone would want to be with me. i still keep seeing him around, and sometimes i talk to him, although he has to make the first move, yet other times i just blank him. do you think i've ruined my chnaces, how do i turn this situation around?

[Miss Zippy]

Ok, so this guy effectively asked you out four times so I'd say he was interested and not just beign polite!! He probably still is, but I expect you've knocked his confidence a bit so you'll need to work a little bit to get him to ask you out again. The next few times you see him, don't blank him and make an effort to talk him. It sounds like you will blank him unless he speaks to you first so be the first one to strike up a conversation for a change and even flirt with him if you feel comfortable! I'm sure once he picks up on the fact that you like him, he'll ask you out again.

[Robinia]

I agree with Miss Zippy but if you only flirt he may think you're playing games. I think if you really like him you're going to have to be very brave & be honest! Tell him you're sorry if you've been off-hand in the past, say you were nervous and that it would be nice to meet up for a drink/coffee sometime & then leave the ball in his court. That gives him the opportunity to ask you out without fear of rejection (again!) if he wants to.
I do wish you luck & let us know how it goes!

[GraceAnais]

There's no way i'd have the confidence to ask him out. i still think men should do the chasing!!! The last time i saw him he did ask me why i always ignored him and asked me to go and say hello whenever i see him again. And whenever i see him he's always asking me whether i have a boyfriend, which i'm taking as clues that he does quite like me. the thing is i'm so clueless when it comes to men... i never quite know what the signs are. if a guy asks you to come and say hello to him in future, is that a come on? my male friend says that women talk to men even when they are not interested in them relationship-wise; but that men only make an effort with women they like (unless they're a good friend/work collegue) what are your views on this...? if a man makes an effort to acknowledge you should you take this as a good sign?

p.s thanks so much for all the input, its really answered some questions for me and got me thinking!!!

[joko]

The trouble is some men see it as an opportunity to control - they think 'ah, i can be the boss of this one'. they wan to feel superior

not all of course, but thats a risk you take if you appear helpless

I have a male friend who freely admits he loves 'victims' -girls with problems and issues - not interested in sane people- god knows why but there you are.

Trouble is would he prevent the girl from getting help and becoming well? - i don't know.

it would soon come out that you're not helpless anyway because the second the bloke started trying to be the boss - you'd turn

[GraceAnais]

i'm not sure this question is about who is the boss though. in my last relationship, i was quite clearly 'the boss'. i did not want to be, i got sick of being the one in control. i had him wrapped round my little finger, so i finished with him cos i realised that i was a bitch when i was with him. when i was with him though i wasn't very independent. i use to get him to help me with everything; from shopping to driving me places to doing my laundry!! but in the year we've been apart i've learnt how to do all those things on my own (not that i couldn't before, but once someone does it for you, why do it yourself?!!) now i've got to the point where i'm so independent i never ask for help from anyone!!

interesting though that some men love the victims. i think that is so true. some people are so desperate to feel needed that they pick people who will always rely upon them.

i don't think there is any problem of this happening with me. the problem is on the surface i'm really 'together'. nice flat, car, good education, good job, attractive, great social life, etc... but underneath i'm quite vulnerable and would love to have someone special that sees past all the superficial things in my life. i'm sure men meet me and get intimidated; thinking ther'es no place for a man in my life. any views on this?