Infidelity

[emilymamu]

If you are in a loving and tender relationship, is it acceptable to have sex with someone else, even if your motivations are purely lustful? Is it morally wrong, or can it be fun, inspirational, refreshing - are the risks too great?

[irisred]

You'll get many people on here tell you its a bad thing and that if you love someone you should not want to be with someone else.

However, sex is sex and I think sex for the sake of it is entirely different from a loving relationship. Saying that, I'm not one for being dishonest either. If you have the kind of open relationship where you can both have sex with other people without repurcussions then fine, but if you have to hide if from your partner then its not on.

Apart from the physical risks you have to be amazingly strong mentally to deal with it.

If you have to hide it, its never worth it for one night, if its a stronger draw than the relationship you're in then the relationship has problems!

Does that make sense?

[Chessman]

If your in a loving relationship, then morally, its wrong, have you askrd your partner if its ok for you go with someone else, just for sex, would you ask them, and if you have done it, and they found out, the odds are, they would look on it as an act of betrayal.

[blinkyblinky]

I agree with Iris. If you are in a proper relationship then presumably you trust your partner and he trusts you. If you have an affair and are not open about it, I would say that's a betrayal of trust. He sees you in a certain way (as someone he can trust) but you are not really that person he thinks you are, you are just pretending to be. So it's not the sex that would be wrong in that situation, it's the dishonesty.

[blinkyblinky]

I also agree with you chessman, just that I started writing my reply before your post :o)

[the>one]

its deffinately ok for men to stray but its morally wrong for his partner to even gaze upon another male.....

[Drusilla]

If you and your partner have agreed upon an open relationship beforehand, I see no problem and no reason to tell. However, if no such agreement exists between you, then issues of trust and betrayal do arise. Unfortunately, it's not just a moral issue, but a biological one, too. Women are generally able to forgive sexual betrayal more readily than men, probably because we always know whether a child is our own, or not.(Not such an issue in these days of contraception, I accept, but remember we're talking slow, evolutionary programming for a moment) In the animal kingdom, offspring of another male are often killed and whilst humans don't usually do that, the jealousy and anger accompanying sexual betrayal can be devastating psychologically and shouldn't be underestimated. It takes an emotionally strong, or a heartless so and so to play such a game without fearing the consequences. I for one, couldn't do it. Remember, women fear their men admitting strong, emotional feelings for another women, but with men it's the physical betrayal that seems to devastate more. I don't envy you your predicament. Take care.

[Scarlett]

I don't think this works at all. It is unfortunate, because sex is a functional thing for a lot of people (men) and they can often dissassiciate themselves from it as an act of love or intimacy. Men could probably see visiting a classy lady for some sex the same way as women see going to the beauty parlour or getting a massage. The problem is that men are very different from women. Women take sex very personally (as a rule) and expect their partners to do the same.

Having said that, there are obviously lots of couples who are not conventional. Women who turn a blind eye to their husbands affairs etc. I would like to meet a couple who have an open relationship and can honestly say it works, long term.

[Ward-Minter]

wrong diddly wrong. FULL STOP.

[Morrisonker]

I talked with a male friend about this and we both agreed that a woman is less likely to be taken back by her partner after an affair than a man is. The reason? She is letting another man inside her which is something I don't think many men would be able to forgive. There are so many connotations of intimacy and stuff that wouldn't be an issue with a man.

It's not easy to explain. Personally, although I've fancied other men and thought about sleeping with them, it's not something I could physically do, I know how much my boyfriend means to me, and vice versa. It would kill him and I couldn't hide something like that from him. The more I think about it the more repulsive it seems to me, to betray his trust like that would be unforgivable.

I work with a girl who moved away from home to go to uni and so was away from her fiance for 9 months before he moved over too. She had a few affairs which he knows nothing about and they don't talk about that time of separation. Although they were technically together they both realise that being lonely can be a very powerful reason for cheating.

[Le Chat]

I tend to think that a man will have an affair because he can but a woman will have one because she is intrinsically unhappy in the relationship ... hence, it is a more serious business for the 'relationship' when a woman seeks sex outside of it!!

[lady_p_gold]

I agree with Drusilla ... if both of you have agreed and provided you did not put your partner at risk of any STD's and if both of you are prepared that there may be consequences then I think it is acceptable. Lying and cheating is not acceptable if you love someone and if you have a decent personal moral code, whether it be regarding sex or any other area. The trouble is people don't say what they are really thinking and that is why so many people have secret lives, on the internet or whatever and then later on it causes a problem. However it takes many years to reach a point of total honesty and for some it may never happen. The fact is that lots of people in loving tender relationships feel like having sex with someone else, it does not mean they do not love their partner, it is what they are biologically programmed to do. It is how one deals with these things that is the key, and it is something that one can only decide for oneself, based on your own moral code and what sort of relationship you have.

[GraceAnais]

alls fair in love and war. sometimes we fall for people that we shouldn't. if you fall for someone nothing can take those feelings away and sometimes people act on them. this is very different though from just having a one night stand, which is morally wrong; no matter how you dress it up. normally if a man cheats it's just for sex., but with women there's normally more of a connection.

i know so many people that are having affairs at this moment in time. i'm single at mo and in some respects i'm glad because there are so many cheats out there; i'm glad i'm not part of it. if you really love someone you would never do anything to hurt them. if you cheat you can't really love them. it's that simple.or maybe you love them, but are not in love with them.which is a very different thing.

for everyone that met their partner when he/she was involved in a relationship with someone else all i can say is ...'remember how you met him, cos that's how you'll lose him.'