Depression?

[Theland]

I suffer from depression. Comes and goes.
I find it impossible to describe it.
"Black cloud."
"Weight on my shoulders."
"Walking through treacle."

And many more.

Trouble is, as I told my doctor and psychologist, as SOON as I use a word to describe it, I know I have missed the mark.

It drives me mad.

It makes me feel like a drama queen wanting attention, then guilt.

I suffer. Thankfully it is episodic and not a permanent condition, but it really does cause me so much pain.

Don't want sympathy, but just found talking sometimes helps like on here.

Anyway, there you go. X

[kvalidir]

There's nothing attention seeking about finding things hard to cope with, that happens to all of us and it makes us feel helpless and anxious and as though nothing will ever be right again, and it's good that you find talking helps ( a problem shared and all that). It's also good that you identify that it's a transient feeling and that it won't last forever. For whatever it's worth ( possibly not much) you can always talk to me when I'm on here and I'm sure the same goes for most of the regulars on here. Hope you feel better soon xxx

[tonyav]

About those tablets, Theland. Are you going to see your GP about them ?.

[wolf63]

I used to hate going to see my psychiatrist because the first thing that he would do is ask me how I was feeling.

I didn't know what to say because there really no words to describe it.

Go see your GP. There are other antidepressants that you can take.

I hope you begin to see the light at the end of the tunnel - it IS there.

[Theland]

Wolf - That is funny!

I know!

"How are you feeling?"

"Grrrrrrrh! " ( thoughts of violence, suppressed and making things worse!)

[rowanwitch]

Mine used to ask me for a colour , it was never black. Always a darker grey she said she could judge the flattening of mood from that. She knew I was getting better when I mentioned a spectrum colour.
I used to describe my depression as a thick fog at night. I felt it around me, drawing the energy, dulling sounds hiding life from me yet haunted by monsters that I felt could reach out and tear me apart. I spent most of my life feeling that, from the age of about 8 or 9. I have spells when it lifts usually when I go into obsession mode with some new interest.
You are not alone, try writing down the feelings while they happen, keep a mood diary to take with you. It might show a pattern that will help with treatment. And get your meds reviewed.
The only other thing is getting even gentle exercise in the fresh air and especially sunshine helps more than anything else. It will help your COPD too

[hellywelly4]

I used to feel very much as you, Theland - 40 years ago! Unfortunately there wasn't the treatment or recognition available that there is now. Please believe me - you WILL get better. The doctor told me to 'be gentle with yourself', and that did help. You aren't on your own, but if you can go back to the doctor and discuss it with him/her, I'm sure it will help. Some doctors aren't as sympathetic as others, so if the first one you see isn't helpful, try another (If you can). I sat once and wrote an exercise book full about how I felt, and that helped too. I threw it away afterwards as i didn't want anyone else to see it. Big hug xxx

[emmie]

welcome to the AB club, i am one of those and it goes deeper than just depression, don't know if it's a black cloud but i get in a state and wonder will i often survive the night or day. Who is to say.

[emmie]

i was asked recently by the GP if i was suicidal and i said no of course not, which is true, but the darkness, panic attacks still remain. I am on meds, but feel that a review might be imminent.

[Bathsheba]

emmie, doctors are required to ask patients if they are feeling at all suicidal when prescribing antidepressants.

Theland, I haven't forgotten that email I owe you :) x x

[maggiebee]

Have been visited by the black dog many times. Eventually my GP suggested that a low dose anti depressant would be ideal for me. I now take this daily and feel fine. Talking about it does help Theland, please don't bottle things up - lots of support on here.

[albaqwerty]

it's a nasty, insidious thing, I, too, call it black dog.

Talking helps, but I've found that talking to those who know me and not the black dog are as useful as a chocolate teapot.

Talking to others who know and understand, helps such a lot.

x

[Rockrose]

When my gp asked me if I felt suicidal by head said no but my voice said yes. From that moment my gp was amazing had an appointment with a shrink for the following week tablets and a sick note. I truly believe that gp saved my life

[BagPussAA]

I also feel overwhelming depression at times and suffer badly with anxiety. This is not helped by the fact that I have Aspergers so I have trouble relating to others and talking about things. I am lucky that I have a great SO (My Master if you have read previous posts by me) and he is brilliant at helping keep the darkness at bay. When he asked me how it felt, the best way I could describe it was it felt like I was being kissed by a Dementor (we are both HP fans) and that made sense to him. I feel like all the happiness is being sucked from the world and I will never feel it again.
Sometimes talking to him helps.. sometimes, just knowing he is there if I need him helps. Knowing Im not alone.
You arent alone Theland. Your friends on here are always here if you need us.

[jennyjoan]

A few friends of mine have the depression but they are overwhelmed with the stigma of having it cos being told that you gotta get over it doesn't help so therefore they are reluctant to talk about it.

It is good to talk.

[rowanwitch]

Bagpuss, Dave got good at helping me too, he got past me trying so hard to find the right words, I am not good at feelings, so he learned the non verbals and reacted accordingly. Scared of next time it happens though, I've lost my safety net. I think it's when we have that absolute trust in someone.

[kvalidir]

Like you Bagpuss my partner is very good at lifting me up usually, he's a very certain person and usually very reassuring. At the moment though it's got him too, so we're stumbling along like a couple of wrecks :/

[BagPussAA]

Im sorry to hear that Kvalidir. I know how important a strong partner can be. If you want to talk.. let me know.

[rowanwitch]

I'm here too Kval, when the world is upside down it helps when there are people you can grab hold of.

[Theland]

Today not too bad.
It comes and goes. Very episodic.
I can go weeks just slightly up and down.
What is unbearable is when it comes with anxiety attacks. Sweats, shaking, stuttering, running to the toilet constantly.
Pure hell and embarrassing.
Very difficult to be out in public, at shops etc.

[spathiphyllum]

" but just found talking sometimes helps like on here."

100%. Getting thoughts to words ,let alone text can really help you understand and come to terms with your thoughts and help understand them better.

All i can say is dark times pass. This is a moment that will pass. As you know as you've said, it's episodic. It may come in waves, some waves bigger, others smaller. Just try to ride them out :) people care about you, you know!