Your grief is absolutely natural and crying can be a great release. Don't be afraid to give in to how you feel - cry, rage at the world, scream and shout if you want, these will all help with what must be a terrible loss for you. As others have said, talking to someone might help get things clear in your own head and Samaritans are a good organisation. They will give you time and space to explore your feelings and they are completely confidential and won't judge you. Dealing with those who bad mouth you is difficult, but with the right support you can do it and move forward. Take care of yourself.