Suicide...How do you explain to children?

[lazy daisy]

My son committed suicide nearly 6 years ago. He left behind a 2 1/2 year old son. He understands his daddy is dead and that he is not going to come back. He says his daddy is now the brightest star in the sky.

My dilema is.

1) How do we explain what suicide is?

2)Does he need to know by what method?

3)Is there a "best" age to explain?

[qapmoc]

Hi ld, Why do you feel that you need to tell him this, surely it will not be something he needs to know for years if ever. The fact is that his Dad is dead and he accepts this. As for even considering to explain the method ! are you sure that you are considering this question for the good of the child or is it because you feel the need to tell him this for your own sake to ''get something off your chest'' as it were.

[woofgang]

I am with qapmoc. When he is much older, then he may need to know how his Dad but 2 andf a half id way too young. Please please let him keep his belief in his Dad as star.

[lazy daisy]

He has started to ask questions (to his other Nan whom he lives with) as to why and how his daddy died. She tends to change the subject. It didnt help that a few weeks ago, a boy at his school told him how his dad died .(my grandsons dad that is) When he mentioned it to his nan, she didnt answer him, but simply said "who told you that!) It is definately not because I want to "get something off my chest".

[lazy daisy]

The child is now 7 years old.....He was 2 1/2 when his dad died

[kick3m0n]

guys, the son is 8 1/2!

but I agree, no way would I tell him, there's absolutely no need for him to know more until maybe he asks, or is an adult hismelf.

[Englishbird]

I don't envy you this one!!

Has he asked any questions? maybe have a chat about it with him and answer any questions openly and honestly but don't necessarily offer any extra information, but let him know that he can come and ask you anything at any time and that you will always be honest with him.

I disagree with not telling him at all as 'secrets' inevitably come out and they could effect him far more as a teenager or even as an adult if he feels it has been kept from him or feels as though he's been 'lied' to (I'm not suggesting you are). But revelations once someone is older seriously underminds any security they have.

I don't think there is ever an age where you can accept something like this, and there will always be questions that no-one can answer. I think it's as good a time as any to broach the subject and so that he knows he can ask questions. I'm absolutely sure I don't have to say this to you!! but include the reassurance that his daddy loved him and it wasn't anything that he did as to why his did left. (Just as it wasn't yours or anyone elses)

I wish you the best of luck. Children are often far more accepting than adults are. x x

[lazy daisy]

kick3m0n...Thankyou for giving me a kick up my ar*e. Not that it makes much any difference, but it was nearly 5 years ago not 6.. NOW I FEEL REALLY STUPID

[Englishbird]

sorry, obviously i was still writing that whilst others were replying. I completely disagree with not telling him. Let him ask and answer him with as much honestly as you can. only my opinion, but i feel quite strongly about it.

[woofgang]

apologies for misreading your question. If the lad is starting to ask questions, its time for gentle answers. probably not details, someyhing about how sad Daddy was and that people sometimes do really sad things and its hard to understand why and of course how much he loved his son.

is a pity that other aduilts don't think before speaking in front of their children!

[lazy daisy]

I agree with you Englishbird. I certainly dont want to lie to him. Its just knowing how to answer his questions.

Earlier this year he said to me,

"I miss my Daddy" To which I replied, we all do, and promtly gave him a big hug.

"when I think of my Daddy, my eyes get all watery, and I dont like it".

It would have been so much easier to explain had his dad died in a more "normal" more socially acceptable way.

I have no problems talking suicide but a lot of people do.

[Lore]

I think you should wait till he asks again and when he does you should answer his questions, being as open as possible but using language appropriate to his age/level!

Maybe you could look for a childs story that touches on the death of a parent to read with him.

Don't just sit him down one on one to tell him, do it whilst his mind's on something else, like drawing etc.. this will help him to ask the questions he needs answering without the converstion becoming intense or a feeling of intimidation.

good luck daisy x

[Englishbird]

It's hearbraking that he has to deal with such loss at such an early age.

I think you have the right attitude, there's nothing to be ashamed of that he committed suicide, It's something that people find hard to talk about there is still much to learn about mental health conditions and a state of dispare that cause the sufferer to draw only one conclusion.

His daddy was ill, that's why he died, it was a different sort of illness to the ones that some peoples daddy's die from. Lore's idea of a book is a good one. Or phone a child psychologist as I'm sure there are 'good' ways of approaching it and get their advise.

[**Clem**]

Firstly, I'm extremely sorry for your loss. I didn't know your son but from experience I know that not everyone who commits suicide is ill or depressed - sometimes people just feel like they don't want to be here anymore and with the state of the world at the moment, I'm inclined to understand why. Therefore only tell your grandson his daddy was ill if he really was.

The most important thing to think about is making sure that your grandson doesn't think that because his daddy chose to leave this world that he didn't love him or that it was his (your grandson's) fault in anyway. That's why as much as honesty is important, suicide should be dealt with extremely carefully with children. If your grandson is past the age where saying that that the angels needed him in heaven, then adjust your response to his age, becoming more detailed as he gets older. If your son did suffer from depression or a similar illness then go with the earlier suggestion of telling your grandson that his daddy was ill. I do think that seven is too young to be told about suicide though, because he could think that it was because of him in some way.

Good luck with whatever you do and my love goes out to both of you. x

[nicnicnic]

I really do think you should tell him, it will hurt however old he is, but he will get over it given time.

With regards to explaing what suicide is, perhaps you could tell him that some people die because their bodies are ill, but some people have poorly minds, which means the way they think becomes confused. this means that some people feel like they dont want to live anymore-not because of something anybody else has done, but because their mind is poorly, so theystop themselves from living. (Hope that makes sense, I know what i mean, just haven't written itparticularly fluently)
what I mean is let him know that it's not just peoples bodies that get ill.

I dont think he needs to know what method he used to commit suicide. Wait til he's older for that.

tell him that his daddy is still the brightest star in the sky.

I have had experience with many attempted suicidesin my family, and i dealt with that from about 8 years old, but I got over it. There are many good counsillors who can help children overcoe that knid of thingif they are sad/confused.

Hope this helps?

[Golem]

I would highly recommend browsing here, a valuable resource for books about how to deal with all sorts of tragedies for both children and adults.

http://www.compassionbooks.com/index.html

I'd recommend the following for you and your grandson:

Someone I Love Died by Suicide by Doreen Cammarata
After A Suicide by The Dougy Center

both very good publications. It is an American booksite, but could be worth the additional expense.

[lazy daisy]

I would like to say THANKYOU to everyone who replied. I will take on board what you have said.

Wish me luck when the time comes......Daisy

[Octavius]

Many people still believe it is best to shield children from the truth, that somehow this will protect them. More often than not, the opposite is true. Misleading children, evading the truth, or telling falsehoods to them about how someone died can do much more harm than good; if they happen to hear the truth from someone else, their trust in you can be difficult to regain. Not knowing can be terrifying and hurtful. We've always been told that "honesty is the best policy" and just because the subject is suicide, that doesn't mean this time is any different.

I agree that at 8 1/2 he may too young to understand the reasons for taking your own life. The age will be a factor in how much they can understand and how much information you give them. Some children will be content with an answer consisting of one or two sentences; others might have continuous questions, which they should be allowed to ask and to have answered.

After children learn that the death was by suicide, one of their first questions might be, "What is suicide?" Explain that people die in different ways - some die from cancer, from heart attacks, some from car accidents, and that suicide means that a person did it to him or herself. If they ask how, once again it will be difficult, but be honest.

Some examples of explaining why suicide happens might be:
"He had an illness in his brain (or mind) and he died."
"His brain got very sick and he died."
"The brain is an organ of the body just like the heart, liver and kidneys. Sometimes it can get sick, just like other organs."
"He had an illness called depression and it caused him to die."

Some children might ask questions related to the morals of suicide - good/bad, right/wrong. It is best to steer clear of this, if possible. Suicide is none of these - it is something that happens when pain exceeds resources for coping with that pain.

Contd/...

[Octavius]

Some children might ask questions related to the morals of suicide - good/bad, right/wrong. It is best to steer clear of this, if possible. Suicide is none of these - it is something that happens when pain exceeds resources for coping with that pain. Similarly with the method of suicide, this can wait to a much older age.

Whatever approach is taken when explaining suicide to children, they need to know they can talk about it and ask questions whenever they feel the need, to know that there are people there who will listen. They need to know that they won't always feel the way they do now, that things will get better, and that they will be loved and taken care of no matter what.

It is a judgement call for you on how you approach this with your grandson and when is the right time. But don't ignore the questions when they do start, prepare yourself now in how to deal with it. All the best. O

[hally3]

at the moment i would tell him his father was ill thats why he did and as he gets older slowly tell him more but i wouldnt use the word suicide at his age,bcoz if his friends ask he will tell them as he's young but when he's in high school he prob wont want people to know.

i hope that helps x

[saraswathan]

3, tell him when he turns 14, the exact switching period to adulthood.......
2, best method put it palinly.... whats impotant is he must hear everything first from u who is close to him than anyone else..... that will itself do a lot of good to him...
1,explain suicide is a momentry stuoid act and ask him to forgive his dad for that... he will surely do and cope up nicely in future....