What Should I Do About This Friendship?

[Scarlett]

I would love your thoughts on this! I have had a friend since university – 36 years- who only ever talks about his past break ups. he goes on and on and on and on. He rarely asks me any questions, and if he does, within seconds, we are back to talking about his exes. I don't see him that often as he lives abroad, but since he has split up with his latest girlfriend, (four month relationship, she was half his age) and has been burdening me with how bad he feels, mentioning suicide, and asking me to tell him he is amazing. I have problems of my own and have reached saturation point of listening to him!! I know he will never change because he has always been like this, but I simply can't deal with it anymore. I sent him a message explaining this, mentioning my problems with constant pain, hormonal stuff, fight and flight issues, but of course he just took it personally, and now wants a phone call... what would you do in this situation?!

[andres]

Phone him. Keep it brief. Just say that you are going through a stressful time  and your doctor has advised you not to  take any more problems on . Or better still get someone else to make the phone call for you. (husband, Sister, friend?)

[Peter Pedant]

dont answer the phone

( a lot of people who are in debt do this: let it ring out and then 1471 who it was).

I had a friend who answered - "too many numbers" - but he was an engineer for chrissakes who are  used to numbers. And by that I knew it was Something Else. Move on

[Scarlett]

Bednobs- I made him a 25 min long video on how to use Instagram. He had just joined and didn't understand how he could use it to promote his work. So I was helping him with that. ie being a decent friend. 

[Scarlett]

Brainiac, no I'm not an ex. Just a friend since uni.

[Neveracrossword]

Scarlett, I'm a bit confused. In your original post, you said you'd sent the friend 'a message, explaining that I can't deal with this...' When bednobs asked about this, you then said you'd sent him 'Whatsapp messages, several recorded voice notes, a 25 min video and texts'. I'm just wondering now HOW you told him you can't deal with his stuff, as it seems some of those formats were covering other things. Has the friend got in touch again since he requested a phone call?

[bednobs]

all i am saying is he is your 30 years plus friend, who you clearly have lots of correspondence with.  Dumping him over text is not doing the right thing. I would think he at least deserves a call!

[Scarlett]

Neveracrossword - the messages are all on WhatsApp because he is abroad. my message explaining how I was feeling was a voicenote, in reply to his voicenote, since he was at work. The video I sent him was one I had made, especially to help him, understand how Instagram works

[Scarlett]

Bednobs- where did I say that I would dump him over text? my question was about a friend who has exhausted me with his neediness, and is now giving me a hard time because I'm not giving him enough attention. I can't take it anymore, and the last thing I want is a phone call with him, where he will try and blame me for his life problems. I never mentioned I would dump him, I just wondered what other people would do in my situation.

[scorpiojo]

I would end the friendship if it's causing you such a great deal of stress, and it's all one-sided.

[Neveracrossword]

Thanks, Scarlett, as you've left the voice message explaining how you feel, I don't think you should feel pressured into a phone call...unless he wants to work on a way to resolve the situation.

[Scarlett]

Neveracrossword I can guarantee the only reason he wants a phone call is because it is yet another way that he can get attention and force me to listen to him go on and on. he will also use it so that he can try and make me feel bad for daring to speak my mind. I think I've answered my own question here!

[Neveracrossword]

Scarlett, I know I would never have indulged him with a phone call now, but we all have different breaking points! I'd just leave things for now ...which could end up permanent.

[bednobs]

"Bednobs- where did I say that I would dump him over text?"

in your op!

"have reached saturation point of listening to him!! I know he will never change because he has always been like this, but I simply can't deal with it anymore. I sent him a message explaining this|"

[Scarlett]

Bednobs- the message was a very articulate and decent voicenote on WhatsApp. 'Message' these days doesn't necessarily mean a text.

[10ClarionSt]

Just tell him to koff. 

[bednobs]

i don't see much difference between a text (which is what i assumed you meant by message - sorry) and a voicenote

would you break up with a boyfriend in an answering machine message?

[Neveracrossword]

Scarlett, if your message/voice note was 'very articulate and decent', why are you letting his wish for a phone call bother you? It's obviously prompted you to ask what others here would do.

[lankeela]

Delete/block his number and breathe!  

[Scarlett]

Neveracrossword- I wanted to point out that I was very rational, calm and decent in my message to him. It wasn't inflammatory or emotional. It was a straightforward explanation that mentally I was having problems dealing with my own stuff, and didn't have any brain space left for his. I thought I had done a good job of explaining, but then he left three voice notes, which he then deleted. He then wrote that he did not want to message again today, so he was clearly not happy with my message! And then he wrote that he wanted to talk on the phone. by that point, I simply did not want to have anything more to do with the whole thing. so I came on here to ask what others would have done in my situation.

[Scarlett]

Bednobs- The issue was not whether I would break up with my friend over text or voice message. It was whether people on here would walk away from this sort of friend/situation, or whether they would persevere with it.