decisions of the heart or mind

[kdawg]

Hi,

I am a 29 year old Irish male who has been 'going-out- with a Swedish girl for over 3 1/2 years now. This has been my first serious relationship, and a very loving one at that. Age didn't seem to be an issue at the beginning as she seemed quite mature, and her real-age wasn't revealed until after 3 months of initally meeting, at which point i was too involved to care. Anyway we met in Ireland and after about a year she returned to Sweden to begin university and abandoned it after 6 months, before returning to me in Ireland. We lived happily enough in Ireland, but it became apparent that taking her degree anywhere other than Sweden was unaffordable - i decided to leave my well-paid,secure job and up stakes to go with her to sweden. I have been here for 16 months now and have found it very hard to get a job and get to know people. As well as this, I am beginning to consider marriage and kids - I do know that at some stage i will want both. However my girlfriend, who is now 23 is rather indifferent to both. I have a hard time figuring out whether this is down to cultural differences, age difference or both. I have been offered very good work back home, compared with a mediocre job here in sweden. I love here very much, but I do want Kids and a family at some stage( not right now!) but she can't decide if she wants it or not. I love her very much , but I feel rather isolated here and need to work in an English speaking environment. Its both these issues and i have difficulty separating the two - any advice would be greatly appreciated. k

[irisred]

It is difficult to seperate the issues because they are your life! Much easier for us readers to do that!!

Firstly you need to figure out what makes you really happy, being with her and feeling isolated and perhaps not as successful as you could be. Or being back in Ireland, with your family and friends in a good job?

You've been in Sweden to support her, maybe its time she made a compromise and went back to Ireland with you to support you for a while. If she's not willing to do that then I'm afraid you have your answer.

Also, the fact that one day you want to settle down and have a family and a marraige and she doesn't (as yet) can only put further strain on your relationship.

If you're not happy now, you're not going to get any happier by staying where you are.

Good luck!!

[noxlumos]

Hi, I'm an Irish male as well but a good deal older than you, at 45.I always wanted kids and got married in my early 20's and had a family. That all went wrong for various reasons and I eventually remarried and had more children so that we now live as one large family (I have custody of my first children).The point I'm trying to make is that with regard to having a family and being a father I'm so much better at it now than was in my 20's and even 30's, so in that regard you have lots more time for yourself and your girlfriend to really decide. She's fairly young to be thinking of kids and will like as not want them maybe as she gets older, so I'd give her time since you aren't running out of it yourself for a bit.

With regards the isolation,I can understand that but that's something really that only the two of yous can sort out between you. Does she know your feeling as you are? Talk about it and see if something can't be done. I hope you do alright and that everything goes well for you both.

[lady_p_gold]

I think you should come home and take the job. Firstly, if at some point she does want to have children then you need to concentrate on your career and this is not doing it much good. Believe me before you know it you are fifty and you need to put down a firm foundation. With the internet and cams and headset etc. being apart is not so bad and you can chat for hours on the cam and almost forget (I am in a long distance relationship myself) However you say it is your first serious relationship, and maybe a little seed of doubt has crept in your mind as to whether it is your last. That is something which only you can decide but it is worth thinking about. You have given a lot to this relationship and I think it is time for you to follow your head not your heart for a short while, and if it is strong enough it will survive, after all its not that far away, and surely she would be more than understanding about your needs. The words you say in your post 'indifferent' is interesting, because most people are able to give a view i.e. 'I would like to have children one day but not yet' and also you say you have a hard time figuring out the reason whether it be cultural or age or what. This makes me think that the communication between you is not all it might be. It is as if there is a little mystery part of her about which you are not quite sure. So, with all that in mind, I don't think you should risk staying for years and then finding yourself starting again with no job prospects. There is nothing to lose by returning and everything to gain, including perhaps being able to step back and look at the relationship objectively. I hope things work out for you.

[Bohne]

I can feel with you...

My American husband lives with me in Germany. I know he would love to go back, but is staying because I do not want to live in the States.

Of course we cleared all that up, before we got married, but sometimes I still wonder for how long he can be happy here. He hardly speaks the language, and once he gets out of the army, it will probably be difficult for him to find a job.

But to your problem: I think the only person to make the final decission is you. However, I do not think a relationship can work if for example kids are really important to you and she does not want any.

At 29 I think you don't have to make the final decission straight away, but if you are really unhappy in Sweden, eventually your relationship will suffer.

I cannot understand, why is is unaffordable for her to study in Ireland. I studied in England, and even I never had a lot of money and had to work while studying, I made it through, and yes, it would have been cheaper for me in Germany.

But with your better job, does that not even out somewhere?

I think it is important that you let her know how you feel about everything. A relationship needs compromises, and if she loves you as much as you love her and she knows that you are unhappy, you will have to find such a compromise.

Whatever happens, I wish you all the best!

[WendyS]

I sense that there are three separate issues here:- wanting to be with your girlfriend, disliking the environment and feeling alienated there because you don't understand the language and can't integrate and feeling ready to settle down and have children while your girlfriend isn't. If you can't resolve these issues they will start to create real inner conflict and if you cannot be happy within yourself in a supportive culture where you can recognise your identity and fulfil your potential I suspect you will feel continually frustrated & discontented. I suspect you would probably be better returning home and getting yourself financially settled. If this relationship is really serious, you can still keep in touch by phone (SKYPE, if you both download it onto your computers, will allow you to make as many free phone calls as you like) and e mail. Perhaps the separation will help you decide how committed your relationship really is. I have known several people who have married people of different nationalities and moved to live in a different country. Many of them have confessed to missing their "long term roots" and having a sense of not really belonging. In your case, I suspect the language difficulty could always be a stumbling block to full integration in Sweden. Ask yourself what will make you happiest in the long term. Be totally honest about this - only you know what makes you tick.. If your relationship means making sacrifices that you will find difficult to live with you will always have an underlying sense of resentment which will cause problems between you later on. If you stick with this relationship, either in Ireland or Sweden, one of you will never really feel at home. Is this really going to work for the next 40+ years you hope to be together?

[kdawg]

Hey,just want to say thanks to you all for you advice. I leave for Ireland on friday - that said i also have an interview in London, as it could be a good halfway point for both of us. We're gonna just see how the next few months pan-out for us. Thanks again.