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[4getmenot]

I have a friend who has a young daughter. She split up with the father of this child a while ago through abuse from him. He tried getting custody of their daughter but only got to see her every couple of weeks. After a while he didnt bother turning up and last contact was about a year ago. Well the other night police turned up at her house to say he had been found dead. She has asked how she should really feel and is very confused about whether she should go to the funeral and what to tell the daughter in the future. Has anyone else ever been in this situation?

[lkn2cln]

I would just like to say that I am sorry about your situation.Also,I feel that if the girl is old enough to understand than I would be completely honest about the whole thing.Funerals to me are not good.I feel that all you are seeing is a empty shell.The soul is already gone.I would rather remember someone as they were when they were living.When they are in heaven (or Hell) they will hear you when you pray for them.

[4getmenot]

But thats the thing if she remembers him as he was living then he wasnt a nice piece of work. The daughter is too young to remember him. She doesnt know how to feel because they split on horrible terms, he was very abusive, but then they must have had good times with their beautiful daughter. She doesnt know how to grieve or if she should even go to funeral. In a way she feels guilty. I just dont know what to say to her.

[tigilou]

How about sending some flowers from both of them and a card and get her to write another card and put a picture in it to keep when her daughter gets older just to show her in her teenage years when the questions come in. Im not sure what to say really bit of a tricky one isn't it. I can't say whether i would go or not my best friends dad died suddenly and my mates mum had split from him for years both re-married etc he use to beat her and all sorts of stuff. She was with him the day he died and also attended the funeral as she felt she wanted to be there especially for her daughter. I think she should do what she feels is the right thing

[dove]

If I was your friend and I really didnt know what to do , I think my consience would tell me to go.
Your friend must have had some good times with this person and to go to the funeral could mean that she can finally bury the past, that is meant in the nicest possible way.
If she doesnt go , then I personally think she will never lay her demons to rest.
My very best wishes to your friend and whatever choice she makes, I wish her well x

[Goodsoulette]

She should go, she cant tell her daughter in years to come she didnt go. She can tell her daughter that she said goodbye for her then. I would be miffed if i found out something like that otherwise

[lkn2cln]

Any bad times that she had with him are between them.I am sure they had nothing to do with the little girl so she really doesn't need to know ALL the details.How old is the little girl? Sometimes they have there own way of taking things and it really doesn't seem so bad.They don't exactly understand death and so they aren't really all that upset.

[4getmenot]

lkn2cln my friend would never be that spiteful to tell her daughter of the bad times. Her daughter is too young to understand at the moment and she will put together a book of her him for when she is older. and dove your statement about burying the past is so so true. Thank You to all.

[lkn2cln]

I sure hope that we all helped you out atleast a little bit.If anything maybe just talking about it helped some.Goodluck with whatever happends.

[gedk]

I don't think she should go to the funeral. Your post indicates that they split up well over a year ago and he was obviously a nasty piece of work. What would she gain from attending the funeral? In my opinion you attend a funeral to either say goodbye and remember someone you love or to support a friend or friends who have lost someone they love. She said goodbye (and good riddance) to him a long time ago and should accept that he has no place in her life. He may very well have a new partner who will be at the funeral. My husband is divorced and I wouldn't be too chuffed if his ex wife turned up at his funeral.

[4getmenot]

But surely gedk your husbands ex wife spent some happy times with your husband and should be able to grieve for those times. My friend obviously spent some great times with him as they produced such a beautiful daughter. He doesnt have any family either or a new wife so that side of things doesnt really come into it. I just think maybe if she doesnt go she'll regret not burying her past. But it must be so hard for her to remember him without remembering all the bas times she suffered at the hands of him too. Now you see why I'm in a pickle as to what to say to her.

[Lindylou]

I would go - just to make sure the b*stard was dead and buried. But then, I'm a nasty person!!

[gedk]

4getme not - I don't know the whole story but from what I can gather this man caused enough misery for your friend to want him out of her life altogether then tried to cause further heartache by gaining custody of their daughter (apparently done only to hurt your friend as he didn't bother keeping up contact with his daughter afterwards) He obviously didn't care very much for his daughter either otherwise he would have kept in touch. I would think the fact that he was abusive towards her would wipe out any happy memories she may have had of their time together and I just don't see what she would gain by attending his funeral. Surely she has already said her goodbyes to this man?

As for my situation, my husbands ex wife divorced him over 15 years ago (due to her infidelity). They are still in contact because they have two children together. I feel she has no place in his life now and god forbid if something were to happen to him she would not be welcome as his funeral (but maybe that's just me!)

I wish your friend the best of luck with her decision and I hope she has a happy future as she has obviously had a bit of a cr*p time in the past.

[4getmenot]

Thank you so much Gedk. I hope now she knows he's never gonna rear his ugly head again she can have a happy life too.