Help!

[Tock389]

Hello everyone- can someone help me please. I started seeing a girl at New Year and it began really well. We went away the weeked before Valentine's Day - it was great. At the beginning of Feb, I e-mailed one of her friends to ask what she thought my other half would like on Feb 14 - underwear or roses? The friend spoke to some friends, and told me roses.

I duly had them delivered, and she loved them. When we met next, I casually mentioned that I asked her friend what she would like (as a thoughtful and kind gesture on my part, rather than buying a lot of tat she didn't want.

Anyway, she went ballistic! She accused me of trying to hit on her friend! It transpires that her ex did a simialr thing i.e went underwear shopping with a mate to find out what she would like, and then tried it on with her mate!

Since then, we have barely spoken. I'm really not into hitting on a girl's mates, and things have collapsed horribly.

Any advice on how to explain my plan was innocent and above board? This girl is something special! Help!

[whiskeysheri]

Hi Tock389.

Poor you! You've not done anything wrong as far as I can see. You weren't to know her ex had done this to her in such a way. Maybe you could show her this post so she can see how upset by it you really are and that you didn't set out to hurt her.

Hope things work out, keep us posted.

x

[lady_p_gold]

To be honest, if she has had this strong reaction, eve regardless of what happened before, and she has barely spoken to you, then I think it does not bode well for the future, and I think you should seriously wonder about whether to continue. After all, you are asking how to explain ... why should you have to explain when you did something kind and thoughtful. Things have not collapsed horribly, she has made them collapse horribly. Even if she reacted in the heat of the moment because of the past, she should have thought about it by now and at least given you the chance of talking. If she feels no compassion towards you now after having spent an intimate weekend away then I think you really need to ask yourself if she is worth it, because one thing I have learned is that leopards don't change their spots and I can see that this could be a difficult and troubled relationship. Sorry, I hope I am wrong.

[Eels]

Oh dear! To be brutally honest, although I can see that she's had a bad experience in the past, she sounds like a fruit loop.

Now that some time has elapsed, try again to explain yourself. If she isn't having it, calmly tell her that she's jacked in a promising relationship on a totally insubstantial basis, and you're not prepared to take things any further now she's turned out to be unreasonable. She just might have a rethink at that stage!

[WoWo]

I'm with lady_p_gold on this. I had a similar(ish) experience with somebody where they revealed a deep routed problem with another boyfriend from the past. We worked throught it but it just constantly came up (from her). It was a road to nowhere.

As lady_p_gold suggests that given she hasn't made the effort I'd give it one more try. Send her a card (not one with sorry on it as you did nothing wrong), saying that you did what you did with genuine reasons and that there are no hard feelings on your part.

What you don't want to do (IMHO) is just leave it, because you will then forever wonder if maybe she felt embarresed by what happened and was waiting for you to make the next move.

I've been in relationships with people who I felt were something special to find that later somebody even more special came along. Chin up and good luck.

[WendyS]

She sounds rather like a Prima Donna to me, but perhaps if she's had an unfortunate experience before, this could have triggered her extreme reaction.

Perhaps you could write to her, explaining that because you hadn't known each other very long and you wanted to do something nice for her on Valentines Day, you'd decided to rely on the judgement of her friends who had known her longer and probably knew her tastes better than you did.

Acknowledge the fact that your good intentions went pear-shaped because you hadn't known a previous boyfriend had betrayed her and ask her to accept that your motives had been genuine.

Say it's pity she can't give you the benefit of the doubt but, that you'd like to build some bridges but if she doesn't want to, then at least you'd like to part with no hard feelings. Then leave it up to her. If she doesn't have the grace to accept and make a move, perhaps you're better off parting company.