Difficult relationship with step-mother

[annavc]

I'd like some advice if anyone has any on how I can improve or at least learn to ignore the bad relationship I have with my stepmother. Her and my Dad have been married for 13 years (I'm nearly 30) and we've certainly never been close but in the last couple of years it has got worse. I live in London and they live in Scotland so I don't see her very often at all but whenever I go to visit to see my Dad she makes me feel really unwelcome and like I'm an unwanted intrusion on her life. Whenever I'm talking to my Dad about anything she gets this really bored look on her face and as soon as she can she'll interrupt and chance the subject.

Its making me hate going to visit and everytime I do I really dread it and usually within about 4 hours I'm wishing I hadn't gone. I go in order to see my Dad and I've tried just ignoring it but it really gets to me.

There is no point talking to my dad about it as, although a very nice man, he's very emotionally stilted and he just wouldn't know how to react or what to do about it and I don't want to put him in that position.

She shows a lot of interest in my brother and my sister but seems to regard me with loathing and I have no idea why. I'm at a loss really and although I can't really see it getting better I'd really appreciate any advice anyone has.

Thanks.

[alijangra]

I would confront her,and make your dad aware. Im 26 and had a very bad relationship with my mum. Im the youngest of 4 sisters and 1 brother. I dont want to go into too much detail but talking really helped and it turns out I can understand my mothers awful behaviour and we have a much better relationship. It will never improve unless you talk. She must have a reason (which could be a total misunderstanding). If she is unwilling to cooperate then fight fire with fire, and give her a taste of her own medicine.

[dancealot13]

annavc- hi. Well, my first reaction to your concern is to tell her everything you just shared. Being honest, open, and calm with her. You sound very eliquent, so I don't think that should be a problem. You could also write her a letter. I don't think it's necessary to get your father involved either. Your an adult and so is your step-mom, so you should be able to work things out in a friendly fashion.

And as far as her making faces like she's bored when you talk, well I would point that out immediatly. Say something out loud (and it doesn't have to be rude), just ask her why she's making that face? If she's doing something on purpose to hurt you or annoy you, she won't stop unless you tell her. She'll probably respond and say "Oh, Im not making a face." Then I would say "oh. well you look bored with my conversation."

Point things out. It's also possible she may not even realize she's doing it.

I had a director once tell me I had an attitude, but I wasn't even talking and I loved the teacher! I was listening to him lecture and he thought my "listening" face, was an attitude face. Just a misunderstanding.

Don't let anyone be disrespecful towards you, there is nothing wrong with standing up for yourself in a good manner.

[alijangra]

I just feel if you keep your dad out of the loop, and she gets annoyed with you asking her whats going on, then she will most likely involve your dad at this point. Better to be honest and open with everyone from the start.

[annavc]

Thanks for the advice guys. I'll have to think about talking to her next time I go up which isn't likely to be for about 6 months! I'm just really bad with any kind of confrontation - i trip over my words and get all over-emotional! I just wish it would change as I'd like to see my dad more than I do but with the situation as it is I just don't want to go to visit.

alijangra the main reason I don't want to involve my Dad is that he's in his 70s now and hasn't been too well and I just don't want to upset him or give him anything to worry about. Him and I have never been particularly close either and it would just be really weird to start talking to him about relationships etc. I wouldn't know how to handle and neither would he.

[undercovers]

that sounds really difficult - could you not consider taking your dad out for the day or weekend when you go to visit e.g. just the two of you having the time together once you have picked him up and said hello to his wife. That why you keep in touch with the step mum but only in really small doses but still have lots of quality time with your dad... and you never know there might be loads of things he'd like to go and do or see with you...

sorry my only advice seems to be day trips but thats all i can come up with as i don't see that you can mend this without causing a bit of a family stress. i do always find it strange that two otherwise perfectly nice people can somethimes end up not being able to stand the other one - good luck to you

[annavc]

Hi undercovers. Day trips would be a good idea except that my Dad is in Scotland and I live in London so when I go to visit I stay with them for 3 or 4 days usually. They have a spare room so for me not to actually stay with them would be seen as very odd and I also never have a car up there as its much easier to fly or take the train. It does make me very dependent on them for activities etc and also means I'm a guest in her house. I think it may be one of these things I just have to put up with but maybe if I can get up the guts to talk to her directly about it it might improve.