stay together for the kids?

[loopyc]

is it selfish to leave a marridge if you have lost all respect and love for your partner and are truly truly unhappy, but you also have children to consider?

[adsar]

depends on how old your children are. my parents broke up last year, I was ok with it but my younger brotheres didnt deal with it very well.

depends on the maturity of your children too and how you break it to them. sit down with them and talk on the level with them.

x

x

[annavc]

No it's not selfish. I've never been married but I am the child of divorced parents. They split when I was 14 years old and a couple of years after, my Mum mentioned to me that she'd been unhappy for 10 years so basically since I was 4 years old. Knowing that hurts almost more than their actual split did because I hate the thought that she was unhappy for so long but stayed in that situation because she thought it was best for us kids. We had a great childhood and I'll always be grateful to her for that but I just wish she hadn't been so unhappy for so long. I was too young to really notice the tension between my parents but my older sister was very aware of it. In the many years since they split it's given me a lot of pleasure to see my mum in particular so happy. She's married again to a lovely man who loves her so much and that is all that matters. If the adults in a relationship aren't happy you can guarrantee that on some level the kids are aware of it and it could affect them. IMHO your kids are more likely to be happy and secure in themselves if they know you are happy.

[whiskeysheri]

Hi hun. I really don't think it's selfish at all.

My mum and dad divorced when I was 14. At that time they literally hated each other's guts and couldn't bear to be in the same room as each other. They didn't argue in front of me and my brother and sister but the was a really tense atmosphere.

I'm so pleased that they didn't stay together for us, for their sake and ours. Now I'm 21 and my mum and dad are best friends. We even had Christmas all together with all the grand parents and I never thought that would happen.

Hope everything works out okay, loopy. Lots of love x

[laurence2]

No, i believe it is not selfish, children will adapt to the situation, Why should you stay in a relationship because you have kids, yes it can be difficult depending on the age of the children, but their are to many relationships that stay togeather for the sake of their kids and the majority end up in a worst situation.

Think of the effect this will have on the kids if you stay togeather?

[4getmenot]

Doesnt matter how old the kids are if you are not happy in a marriage they will know that. And it is always best not to stay together just for the kids as it probably makes their lives worse seeing their parents upset and unhappy.

[milly143]

My parents finally seperated when I (as the youngest of 7) was 12 years old. It caused a lot of problems at the time, some of which are still very painful memories 10 years later. We all feel if they had not waited so long, for the sake of their children, and had not allowed things to get so bitter it would have been much easier on us all. Don't stay together for the sake of your children if you can't live together amicably, in the long run you will just be harming your children.

[loopyc]

thank you all. my kids are 5 8 and 13 we dont argue as i cant even be bothered to argue any more my husband is like having a lodger living with me we dont sleep in the same bed anymore and any time i mention splitting up he says he will kill his self if this happens then the kids will hate me and i couldnt take that i feel really trapped x

[whiskeysheri]

Oh loopy, you poor thing. I promise your kids will never hate you. I doubt your husband will carry out his threats but you both need to agree to never slag each other to your children. Is there anyone you can talk to? (I'm in a similar situation feeling trapped, but it's obviously much harder for you, because of your children). Wish there was more I could do to help, hun x

[loopyc]

thanks ws my family all feel i should think of the kids so cant realy talk to them his mum is lovely but wont hear a bad word against her son. he has slit his wrist in front of before because i said he wouldnt do it, im normally so happy go lucky but this is really bringing down now. sorry about your relationship is it still bad?

[noxlumos]

hi loopyc, so sorry to hear that you are having such a hard time. It's not selfish to leave/split up, it's clearly the right thing to do if you are so unhappy and things are as bad as you have described to us.

As for your partner slitting his wrists in front of you, that's his CHOICE, all you did was make yours. You mustn't let yourself become emotionally manipulated by a man whose got NO intention of killing himself. He clearly likes and enjoys the drama and attention that little stunt got him and now realises that that's the best way to push your buttons and manipulate you into doing what HE want's you to. Don't buy into that c**p. Tell him there's no way you want him to kill himself but if he chooses to then that's his problem, don't even enter into a conversation about it ahead of that or be drawn further, it'll only appeal to his sense of self importance if you do and make it harder.If he implies the kids will hate you if he kills himself, tell him they are not so foolish as to not realise what's happening and that if he should do so then that's his choice and you'll deal with any reaction when the times comes.

If your partner was going to kill himself he'd slope off quietly somewhere and make sure he got it right, not make a huge dramatic gesture in front of you. That's just blatant manipulation and will only get worse if you put up with it.

Your kids will adjust fine if you are careful and tactful, there is no need for splitting up to be the worst thing that ever happens to them, make it a new start and something positive and that's the way they'll see it too. Good luck.

[whiskeysheri]

Mine's just silly in comparison, Loopy x

You can MSN/Email me if you'd like to talk, hun x

[whiskeysheri]

I have to say, excellent advice from nox once again x

[loopyc]

thank you NOX and every body. i think i have some serious thinking to do. thank you WS i will have your address if you dont mind but promise i wont depress you for too long xxx

[whiskeysheri]

We can depress each other loopy :o) x

[Rubyrose]

Not at all! Why stay in a loveless marriage just because you think it will be better for the children? I am speaking from experience here. My parents don't get on but are still together and it is clear to me, my bro and my sis that we are the reason they are still here. We would much rather have 2 single happy parents than 2 together ones who aren't happy at all!

Its a big burden to put on a kid and really its just an excuse. The easiest thing in the world would be for you to stay! But for how long? When the kids go to college? When they move out? When they are gone, what does that leave you and your husband with?

I am 21, my sister is 18 and my brother is 15! I don't think my parents are worried about me and my sister so much but more worried about my brother and his GCSE's coming up! But there will never be a good time to split.. he will start college. Then have more exams.. then Uni.. then have more exams.. then he will move out! Its not going to be easy.. but you only have to do it once! Then you will be free... if you stay... who knows how much longer you will be there for. Do you really want to look back and think 'I was with him 25yrs and so unhappy. What a waste'!!

Ruby xx

[Bob A Job]

My parents divorced whilst i was a teenager, and for a good few years before that living in the house was hell.

Staying together for the kids is the worst thing you can do, they will be living in an awkward environment and it gives them a screwed up opinion of real relationships, and undermines parental respect. as long as you can keep the relationship amicable with you ex, leave.

[dancealot13]

loopyc-I know this isn't an answer to your question but why do you think your husband said he would kill himself? Does he want to work on the marriage? Have you tried counseling? From the sound of it all it seems you have just completely fallen out of love with him, and it's really over for you. But if there is a bit of love there ...hold on to it .

My parents were married for 18 years. My mom walked out on us all when she was going through her midlife crisis stage. That was 10 years ago, and luckily my parents are very good friends now. But not a week goes by that I don't hear her say something about how she regrets giving up on her marriage. She says to me "Jessica, we always think the grass is greener on the other side,..but it isn't hunny. It just isn't"

My mom happens to be very outgoing and very attractive. Even though it is easy for her to meet men,..she still has had no luck with anyone. Everytime my father comes over, they sit down and talk. When he leaves..everytime..she cries in her room.

When you divorce everything gets turned up-side-down. No more family vacations, no more family dinners, or family outings, your time with your kids is split up, holidays get split up, kids often get aggressive and angry. They often rebel. Money gets tight, support from another adult is no longer there so you don't have anyone backing you up anymore. UUGG the list goes on and on and on.

I just wanted to point these things out even though Im sure you are aware of all this. But hearing it and actually going through it are to totally different things. Your lives will completely change.

[Bohne]

No!

How can your children be happy if you are truly truly unhappy?

Being happy yourself is the best way to ensure, that you are able to give the best to your children, too!

[Bohne]

Having read all your additions I would add:

Quite the opposite!
Your husband is very selfish behaving the way he does.
Using the children against you, is so low...

[dancealot13]

Bohne- I totally agree this guy is being a child, I was just wondering if he wanted to work things out though ;)