argh!!

[nannon]

totally opposite to my post day before yesterday....about feeling totally in love and happy. My bloke keeps going awol. he was supposed to be coming to stay y.day and didnt turn up, hhis phone is off all day yesterday and today. hes done this beofre and i keep telling him its not on. we had really good talk bout everything last weekend and he agreed that he would tell me if something was wrong and not just disapear on me but here i am again crying and feeling like s**t. it bad bloody manners apart from anything! i dont know what to do. i love him but feel like this wont work if he does things like this. Do you think its cuz ive let him get away with it before. i'm so low right now i have no idea what to do.

[electricblue]

I have your problem,they reckon if you let them get away with once they will carry on cos they can get away with it!!You need to have ONE mega chat with him,give him an ultimatum and stick to it,if he's trying to tell you something he should have the guts and be a man,if not let him see that you can have a life without him its his choice then go out with your mates and let him stew,its amazing how quick they come round when they can see you don't need 'em,good luck!

[WendyS]

Shut your front door, draw the curtains, switch off your phone and pretend to be AWOL yourself. Do you have anywhere you can go over Easter on your own or with friends, just window shopping, swmming, walking, visiting garden centres, etc. just so that you're simply unavailable if he decides to condescend to pay you a visit. If you've let him think this kind of behaviour is acceptable in the past then you're possibly partly to blame but he sounds a pretty unreliable sort of chap. Spring clean your life, dust him out of it and give yourself the freedom to meet somebody more reliable or will treat you better. And DON'T ANSWER THE DOOR OR THE PHONE IF HE TURNS UP NOW. Let him get the message that in future your life can function perfectly well without him.

[dancealot13]

I agree with both responses. But it sounds like you already had the descussion electricblue is talking about. So I think it's time to move to Wendys idea. Play the game right back....but not for long.

You can only put up with this kind of crap so many times. Three strikes and Your Outta There!!! Nannon - his bahavior you are talking about is odd, and something definetly without a doubt in my head, is going on. Whether he's seeing someone or married, or depressed, on drugs, is going to strip clubs (not that strip clubs are bad)....uugghh it could be a billion things. But I gaurentee it's nothing good. Bottom Line- He's being secretive! The only thing that I would stick around for is depression (manic depressiviness, bipolar disorder, schizophrenic etc.) Or just normal depression. Going awall from the world is often a symtom of these sicknesses.

I would love to know how old you/him are and how long you have been together? I think the stage at where you are in life (age) can be a good indecator of different issues or problems that may develop in a person. How many times as he done this, and what in the world could he possibly say to justify not calling for two days. Using a cell phone excuse is an absolute joke! Has he ever heard of a payphone? Or dropping by to say hello? Or having another friend call you to let you know he's alright?- There is simply no reason for not calling.

My former close friend does that (goes awall), and always has since we were 12 years old. Well, come to find out he is a pathelogical liar, and going awall was just a symtom of that. I wouldn't hear from him for days, even when we had plans or rehearsals. It's a terrible problem, and I honestly can't deal with someone that lies, because there is nothing there to trust and have a friendship with.

[nannon]

he is depressed - he has suffered from it in the past badly i think - but recently due to financial reason and also his friend and mentor dies 2 weeks ago that really cut him up. I know he's not married/seeing anyone else but i have had the discussion with him about not doing this, i worry so much about things and have concinced myself that hes hurt or somethings happened cuz when we spoke on wednesday everything was fine and we both really looking forward to this weekend. I'm 22 and he is 38. (which i do realise is a huge gsp but we're both happy and love each other. well so he says - actions speak louder than words and all that....!)

[helsbels666]

I am in agreement with DANCEALOT13. I used to see a 'boy' who did this to me when i was 17! I was besotted and naieve so let him get away with it. Every time he would have some excuse which i managed to convince myself was true....(he often 'lost his mobile for a few days' or 'couldn't find the charger'). Looking back, all my friends were distraught with me but i knew him better than them (yeah right!). He turned out to be a complete player with a problem of pathological lying and neither respect nor love for anyone but himself!

[dancealot13]

Nannon- He is a 38 year old man?!- Who disappears for a few days?? Uugg I hate to say it, I really do but get away, and get away fast. You both are in TOTALLY different stages of life. Have you met any of his friends? What type of people does he surround himself with, and what do they have to say about it? Please be safe. Im 24 yrs old, and I would never waist my time with a guy that put me through any type of turmoil (within reason of course)....there are so many great men in this world to waist our time with the wrong ones. Love is blinding, so you have to look at this from another persons point of view.

Ok, but if this is just normal depression , then he would tell you "hunny, I was home..I just didn't feel like seeing anyone." or "I was home, but I've just been really tired and didn't want to talk to anyone." Now that is something you can work with. But I seriously doubt thats whats coming out of his mouth.

Don't be blind. You will regret it, I swear.

[nannon]

ive met his friends/family. All his frineds say what a lovely guy he is and how much hes helped them in th past. he often sayd he feels embarassed that he cant take me out loads at the moment (cuz of money, not that i care!) and stuff like that. i know it sounds werid but this guy is th guy i wanna marry and have kids with but i know i should tell him to take a running jump if he ever does get in contact.

[nannon]

BTW _ i apologise for all typing errors today - i'm not really with it! Everytime my phone goes i nearly kill myself trying to get it!!!

[dancealot13]

How long have you been with him?

[dancealot13]

Yeah I know what you mean ;)

We've all wrestled a phone before lol

[nannon]

now when i say how long everyone is going to think i'm extremely niave and stupid but i'm not.we clicked and its been fast and crazy - too fast and too crazy - but i do love hime. i know i do and i know he loves me. we didnt know how old each other were at first. Its only been about 3 months!! Please dont laugh and put it down to me being young and him taking advantage as everyone else has, cuz its really not like that!!

[dancealot13]

OK. First of all I would never think you're acting "young". Your only 2 years younger than me.But, you did say it yourself. You are aware that it is not a long time (3 months). It takes a good year in my opinion to feel like you really know the person. Hey! I fell in Love with my boyfriend of 5 years when I was 19. I knew I was in love and he was the man of my dreams after the second month, and I have never felt anything different since (pretty much..lol) But I still stand by myself when I say that I didn't know him really well untill untill about 1 year and a half.

What I mean by knowing him well is...knowing what they're like under certain circumstances that only come up after you've been together for quite some time.

You should be on cloud 9 with this guy, your in the puppy love stage. But a big warning sign for me would be that you are already having difficulties communicating with him, and you are already seeing there are trust issues. What makes a strong foundation for a relationship? I know you know the answer..#1- Communication #2-Trust.

Listen, you don't have to break up with him. But don't give him all of yourself, if you know what I mean. Don't for one second start thinking he's the ONE. He'll be 60 years old when you are only 40! Think about that for a sec too! You'll be wanting sex and he'll be needing a pill. Ok that's irrelevant at the moment,..Im sorry. But just look past this guy and look at your life and what YOU need.

[nannon]

i know your right. i cant let it go this time cuz he KNOWS how i feel when he disapears which means he knows how worried and upset i am right now and if he cared for me as much as i do for him then he 1, wouldnt have done it and 2, would be on the phone right now apologising and explaining!! best to know now rather that 3 years into a relationship i guess. Thank you x

[dancealot13]

I know it's tough. I just read another post and you happened to write something about your ex, and how you thought you couldn't live without him. But you found out you can, and you found out you are able love again. Thats cool. Lifes all about the lessons, huh?

You've had your heart broken I can see. But only let those experiences make you stronger. Everything in life and I mean Everything......that makes us weak always ends up making us stronger. It's pretty incredible, Life an all.

thanks for sharing with me.

[angel-cake]

When I was 23 I was seeing a 30 year old. It only lasted about three months coz one sunday he was round my house then said he was going to the garage to get petrol but never came back!

He rang me the next day and said he was really sorry but he 'felt too much for me and couldn't get me involved in his troubles (!)' whatever they were, I never found out.

I saw him again about 5 years later and I was happy in a relationship but he was still the same old sad g** that he was back then. He was the first person to break my heart but god damn it he made me so much stronger.

I still think about him but more because of the person he made me become rather than reminiscing about being with him.

I know people think you shouldn't jump from one relationship to another but I think in your case you need to find someone else (even just a fling) to take your mind away from him.

When you meet someone else you will wonder why the hell you put up with his sh**.

Good luck! x

[Chicknee]

hi nannon, sorry to hear all your troubles. its easy for us to advise, but hard to put into action what is sometimes the right thing. i do feel from what you have told us, that this guy will never make you happy. he is very inconsiderate even if he has his own problems. you sound like a lovely person who deserves to be treated better. Life is too short sweetheart - make tomorrow the day your life changes for the better. join a gym or something - take up a new hobby. anything to keep you occupied and to show him that life DOES go on without him.

good luck. x

[nannon]

thank you xxx

i called his brother who gave him my message (although am so sure he was sat next to him!) to call me by 9.30 tonight if he cared or had any respect for me. which he didnt. So in my head i had saidd that after this point it was over. so i guess its over. feel like my heart is splitting into 2 right now. i just wish id knew what had happened to make him react like this. but i'm sure its for the best - i dont need to be treated like this right now. but god i didnt think that so soon it could hurt so much.

[Chicknee]

oh nannon, i feel for you.

but try and think of it as a lucky escape. if he is capable of hurting you now, then what kind of a life would you have had ?

keep your chin up - and dont drink any more vodka !

LOL

it WILL get better, then you will look back and realise you are better off.

xxx

[Minxie]

Hi nannon, just found your question. Wow, he is messing you about BIG TIME. Quick example. I my now ex partner, when we first got together, used to be lovely with me, then not contact me for days. Out of the blue. I became worried, would text, ring, leave messages, worrying that he had had an accident. Then he would suddenly contact me,with some excuse, like he was scared of being hurt again!

After 3 wasted years of my life (yes I see it now as that) we parted.

Do as Wendy says. Go AWOL. Be elusive. Dont let him continually treat you like this. You deserve a lot lot better.

Try and get away this weekend. Go out with some girfriends. You are a lovely person. OK

[nannon]

thank you everyone! I will do awol tomorrow when my head stops spinning!! ;o) Goodnight everyone xxx