Am I taking sides?

[Sparkles3]

In a bit of a predicament and would welcome some thoughts from people not involved.

My nan fell out with her son (my uncle) last Autumn over a fairly minor issue. However, he felt it was indicative of a much bigger issue about how she feels about his family. They are not speaking and both saying that the other should apologise. I have not got involved in this at all, continuing to speak to them both as normal, although not discussing the dispute at all.

My uncle's daughter (ie. my nan's grandaughter) is getting married at the beginning of July and my uncle has not invited my nan and grandad, because she hasn't apologised. The rest of our family (including my little one) have been invited. I feel that this is awful. My cousin (the bride) has agreed not to invite her as she loves her dad and as much as she wants her nan there, she doesn't want to upset her dad and knows that he doesn't want her there.

I am very close to my nan (she looked after me during the days when my mum and dad worked full-time until I was about 10) and I just can't see that we can go knowing that she and my grandad are sat at home upset. But my husband says that this is me taking sides with my nan.

I have sent the wedding present (honeymoon vouchers) already so that my cousin knows that I am not against her - I actually agree with her decision in that what else could she do - but haven't responded to the invite yet. I would welcome any thoughts you might have please.

[chazza]

If it were me, I would carry on as if there had not been a fallout, that way you are not taking sides. By this I mean go to the wedding

[Champagne]

As it's your cousin's day I think the decision is up to her. I'm sure she would love her nan to be there too, but she has made her choice. Don't ruin her day by not attending. If you want to make any statement then make a positive one, maybe by acting as a 'go-between' for your cousin and nan/grandad and giving them the opportunity to send best wishes to the bride?

[caz21]

I suppose its a case of your damned if you do and damned if you dont because either way it will look like you are taking sides! In my opinion you should still go to your cousins wedding though! because it is neither you or your cousins dispute and so why should you and your family miss out on seeing your cousin get married! think how she would feel if you didnt attend? it could end up causing other problems! i'm sure your nan would'nt expect you to sit at home because of this! and i'm sure your nan loves your cousin too and would want her to enjoy her day! think of it that way and it should help!

P.s half my family has a problem with some relative or other!! families huh?

Good luck with whatever you decide Sparkles! x

[Sparkles3]

Thanks chazza and Champagne. That's a really nice thought about acting as a 'go-between'. I am concerned that much of my nan's bit of the family will not go out of protest and I really feel that this is sad for my cousin as you say - and I certainly don't want to be part of ruining it for her. My nan hasn't told me that she hasn't been invited, my mum has told me, so in theory like chazza says, I can carry on as normal. I guess I feel like I'm being disloyal to my nan by going - so perhaps I am taking sides!

[Sparkles3]

Thanks caz21 - you're right, the dispute isn't between me and my cousin. I think perhaps I need to speak to my nan about it and explain why we are going to go - for all the valid reasons you have all pointed out.

[Pippa68]

Definately go to the wedding! as the others have said, you can't be seen to be getting involved and it is your cousins wedding ~ not her dispute.

Stay as neutral as you can..you are in no way being disloyal to anyone. They should sort out their petty arguments, eh? good luck & hugs..families...pfffft ;o)

[Rubyrose]

I think you should go to the wedding as if you don't it could cause a rift between you and your cousin. Your nan will understand if you go to the wedding but it will be harder for your cousin to understand if you don't show up. I would also want this rift fixed. Maybe its time you talk to your nan about it and find out what she is thinking and maybe if even a tiny little percentage of her is sorry then you could tell you uncle and maybe he would agree to invite her. People don't live forever and it sounds to me like they both need to grow up and realise life is too short for stupid things like this. If they keep this up then one day it will be too late and they will live the rest of their lives in regret. Better to swallow your pride for one day than to spend the rest of your life missing out.

[Sparkles3]

Thanks pippa, you're right, it is a shame that my cousin's wedding has got involved in this dispute.

Rubyrose, I couldn't agree more. Although I put in my Q that my nan fell out with my uncle, it was the other way around really - he was offended by something she said and has refused to speak to her since, other than to tell her he won't speak to her again until she apologises. Neither my nan or grandad are getting any younger and it seems so sad to think something could happen to one of them and he would not have seen them for months. My grandad has told my nan that she should not apologise and that she's nothing to apologise for - adding to the stubborness on both sides! But perhaps it is time that I try and intervene as a mediating independent party for the sake of their relationship and my cousin's wedding.

Thanks for all your thoughts - overwhelming opinion is that we should go to the wedding and so I think we shall take all your advice and go get a RSVP card today!

[dancealot13]

It amazes me that people can hold grudges such as this, especially towards a family member. Your nan is still The Nan, and therefore is the boss, the queen of the family...NO ONE should be disrespectful towards the Grandma EVER. You Nan should go over to her sons house and get this taken care of now. I come from an Italian family and we would never disrespect our Grandma, or God forbid not invite the Nan to a grandchilds wedding!? Your Uncle needs to grow up now,...your Nan will not be around forever. Life is too short for this childish situation.

I hope he steps up to plate and apologizes to his mother--even if she was wrong, thats irrelevant. She's the Grandma.

[dancealot13]

This doesnt matter at all, but just to add. If it was my Grandma that wasn't invited to my cousins wedding, (after ALL a Grandma does for the family), I wouldnt go. Simply because you don't disclude family members, and I know my Grandma's heart would be breaking all night long. I would want to be right there with her.

[Sparkles3]

Thanks for this dancealot. Your sentiments about grandma breaking her heart all night long is where I am coming from on this - I knew her and my uncle were not speaking but I didn't imagine for one minute that he wouldn't invite her to the wedding as a result and the shock when I found out was immense. But I'm not sure that not going to the wedding will solve anything - although I will feel loyal to my nan, perhaps it will just start more disputes and hurt even more people. I think I have to try and do something about the dispute, despite not wanting to get involved - to a degree I now feel that I am involved, needing to make a decision on the wedding issue.

Thanks to you all, you've given me lots of new things to think about.

[dancealot13]

Sparkles3- Im sure everything will work out ;) Let us know how it goes.