Obsessed 13 year old......

[kevb0444]

Hi...i have a friend who's going out of his mind. He's 23 and has a 13 year old odsessing over him. He's known her parents for years and she's had a "crush" on him for a while but now it's getting out of hand. She has to go every where with him, she's even dropped out of school to try and hang around him. He's told her he isn't interested but she just gets violent and has even cut her wrists when she's seen him with other women. Every time he starts seeing anyone she steps in and goes crazy and scares the person away. He's spoken to her parents but i think they don't really care and have tried to get him to stay single and hang around there house so that they don't have to deal with there own daughter when she goes nuts. If he tries to stay away he just ends up getting a phone call saying she's cut her self or gone nuts and can he come over as it calms her down. He feels really traped and doesn't konw what to do. He doesn't want to ruin the friendship with the family as they've helped him alot over the years (he's mums very ill and they looked after him for a wile) It's doing his head in. She's even told him that if he ever got a girl pregnant, she would kill the baby, and she wasn't kidding. Any ideas as to what he can do?

[kazzianne]

god,what a nightmare!! I really think that by him hanging around her it is making things worse.I think he has to tell the parents that it has got way way out of hand and that he has no choice but to go to the police and get an injunction out on her.What else can he possibly do - I mean,what if she carried out any of these threats,god forbid.And he needs to tell her parents to get her some professional help - she is obviously ill,poor thing.

[WendyS]

I feel your friend needs to give this family a very wide berth for a while for his own personal protection as he could find himself in a very vulnerable situation if this young girl started making false accusations about him. It's unfortunate that they have been good to him in the past but if she's already self harming, the situation may get completely out of hand if he continues to have contact. I suggest he installs an answerphone and monitors all incoming calls before he takes them. I recommend he also has a quiet word with his local police so that if any false accusations are made, he has made his point first. He could also try writing to the parents (keeping a copy of the letter) saying that the situation has reached a point, where for the sake of all concerned, he has decided to stay away as he feels his continued visiting is not allowing their daughter to get over her crush in a natural manner and that her behaviour towards him is making him feel uncomfortable when he visits. He should also suggest to her parents that their daughter should see her GP to discover what is at the root of her self-harming.

[noxlumos]

Dreadful situation for him. He needs to safeguard himself both legally and also physically, so I think the best possible course of action is to re-iterate the point with the girls's parents, tell them how much he values them as friends but that for a while at least he's not going to be around, then if possible, move.

Could be this is just a huge attack of galloping hormones with the girl, but sounds much more serious to me and I'm of the opinion that the whole family seem to have lost the plot in making this very extreme behaviour seem normal to her. If it was my daughter there is no way I would call him to calm her down if she self harmed, as that's merely reinforcing her idea that if she does that she can have whatever she likes.I'm afraid that part of parenting is that you never know what your going to get and it's not always like the Waltons, kids get unruly and difficult and it's your job as a parent to deal with that. They seem to have lost sight of that somewhere, so he needs to give them the space to realise that's the deal and hopefully it'll all go away as the girl matures and finds herself soemone who is interested in her and is able to have a relationship with her. She sounds lonely and unhappy to me and is filling these voids with an obsession with someone who was probably once very nice to her.Her parents need to address her other problems to find out why she feels the need to do this, poor girl.

[caz21]

What a difficult situation! If i was your friend i think the most difficult thing would be keeping my distance as i'm quite sensitive and dont like hurting people or putting their backs up! (maybe your friend feels he cant just stop visiting for similar reasons?)

BUT, as others have said he is making the situation worse by still visiting as the only way to stop this is to avoid her, she needs to see that self harming does no longer mean your friend comes running, next time it happens it might be best for your friend to say something polite like i'm sorry i cannot come round tonight i'm busy with..... maybe you should try calling the doctor if she wont stop. i hope she is ok. goodbye! and dont ever go when they call for this reason, as it is rewarding her the minute he goes!

Sounds like it has gone way beyond a crush and should be nipped in the bud ASAP for everyones sakes!

[Octavius]

If you are not getting anything from the parents, perhaps you may want to contact her school teachers. It sounds like a deep rooted issue that wil not be resolved without professional help. The school may know the best place to start.

[Rubyrose]

By going to see her to calm her down he is clearly feeding her addiction! This girl needs serious help. If I was him I would go and see the mum and dad again and tell them just how much its getting to him and I would say that the next time she shows up and starts going crazy, he will simply call the police and let them deal with her. He really does need to put a stop to this before it goes even further! For her to say she will kill the baby is shocking and this girl needs help beyond what any family member or friend can offer her. I really do feel sorry for your friend as he is in one awkward position. I don't have much advice to offer but I hope he gets it sorted as soon as possible.

Maybe he could set her up with an account on AB and we could all tell her just how nuts she is being!

[joko]

they may have been good to him in the past but it sounds like the sort of good that involves them not having to actually do anything for him that would put them out at all.

it is not his responsibility to deal with this child and the more he goes along with it the happier they will be to take the pressure off them.

he needs to steer well clear - these people are not good people and they need to be forced to confront the sitiuation.

tell him to prune the deadwood from his life

[!ightoftruth]

seems to be that she has got a very deep rooted emotional problem. I think that her treatment needs to be taken with great care as in cases like this the patient ccan form exatly the same unhealty bonds with their counicllor.

My advice is to get your friend outa there and get him and his girlfiend to keep and eye out.

I would also get your friend to take the advice on th previous post and get him to alert the police of the sitation as she could try and pull blackmail on him.

[muppeteer]

you friend should pull out all the stops to end this horrible situation. he should not worry about hurting the feelings of the girl or her parents as they are clearly not concerned about his. a lot of sound advice has been given by all & should definately be heeded. he may worry about what will happen when he does tell her in no uncertain terms to sling her hook, but this is damage limitation. im sure a lot more hurt will be caused if he lets it continue & i dont mean to sound cruel, but he is letting it happen. he is not responsible for the girl, but he is a resonsible adult & knows it is wrong & what must be done. to be blunt it sound like your friend is scared incase the girl commits suicide if he cuts her off & i dont blame him, but he has to do what is right. a call to the police & social services is well in order & then the responsibility will be theirs. best of luck to him.