Words of comfort and support

[Hermit]

My gf was supposed to precede me in a relocation 5months ago but shortly after she went we split up, things had been a bit strained beforehand. Now I have found that she started seeing someone else a few weeks after she left although over now. Apparently it was my fault because I had not made her feel loved and its true I didn't say it but I hadn't felt loved either as our sex life had died, only now I learn that was a consequence of not showing how I felt. All in all then, my fault and it seems there is no way back.

I know there is no real advice you can offer me but people offer so much comfort and support to posters here that I hoped maybe AB'ers could spare me some and I'll hope it helps as I was pretty depressed b4 she came to visit and I found out all this so worse now. I didn't choose the pseudonym 'Hermit' for nothing so you lot are all I've got to ask except her. Hope you don't mind.

[Pippa68]

For a start I don't think the break up was necessarily your fault ~ communication is a two-way street and it appears to me that you were both 'negligent' (for want of a better word)

If it looks like you can't get back together, then try and content yourself in the knowledge that you weren't right together...your ex went off and found someone else without talking through her feelings ~ were you supposed to be a mind reader?

Reading into your post I think a big reason for your heartbreak is the fear that it was your fault. I hope you can get over this, and please try to get out and live a life..it isn't a rehearsal and you won't be able to move on unless you live~ there are lots of things you can do without going into major socialising..that can come later when you feel stronger.

In the meantime take care & let us know how you get on ~ big hugs x

[Hermit]

Thanks Pippa. I know u r right. We did talk things through so many times so I suppose the fact we could never communicate right is proof that we weren't meant to be.

The hermit thing is becoming a problem of its own though. I quit my job over a disagreement but the timing was fine as we had the opportunity to go back South thanks to her employer so I finished decorating our house and am now trying to sell it. I haven't had a job I didn't hate in years so I was trying to make some money off the stock market and the events there of recent weeks have really screwed me over. I feel in a kind of limbo now as I wait for the house to sell, at which point I will have to move back in with my parents and get another job I'll dislike that won't pay enough to get my own decent place again. At 37 this is a cycle I really need to break but I'm running out of hope.

[Drusilla1S]

Loving someone isn't just about telling your partner how much you care about them, it is also about letting them know when they are not pleasing you and for what reason.

You may have been remiss and many people are, but this wasn't all your fault. She obviously didn't explain her position clearly enough and I feel certain you would have attempted to redress the situation if she had explained her feelings more openly.

At least you will appreciate the importance of communication in your next relationship and not accept everything is hunky dory just because your partner has not said otherwise. Best wishes and stay positive.

[Gevs1966]

Sounds to me like she feels guilty about seeing someone else and is trying to think of the best excuse she can to turn the blame away from herself and back on to you.