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[Amiira]

I asked a quesion here a few nights ago......re my boyfriend relocating for work, and hence not seeing me (well 4 nights a month) I said to him It would not work, and finished, but he sayes he wants to give it a try. (oh lucky me!) I am no spring chicken (44) and he has plans to work away for the next 2 years at least. He is talking about getting his own flat etc etc. Making me feel even less important than I do already. Shall I just ignore his phone call (the 1 he can manage a day!) and just move on? Is it better for me to just end all contact then to drag it on until he leaves in 3 weeks. I am in such a muddle

[spk]

Hi Amiira,

If he cant give you what you want, dont waste another 3 weeks prolonging it. No point in wasting your time if its not what you want it to be, in my experience its not going to miraculously change. Cut your losses and walk away before you get any deeper. My biggest regret in a relationship I had where I was never happy with the set up was letting it drag on for 7 years. People dont change. Good luck x

[IzzieQ]

Like spk, I was in a relationship where I was unhappy and let it drag on for 6 years. If I am honest, I could see how bad things were at the time, but chose to ignore it because I really felt that if I wanted it enough and could make him see, then there would be a chance we could make it work. (And yes, I was worried about being left on the shelf - am now in my late 30's) It is only since I am out of the relationship that I realised how much time I wasted with him. It really sounds like you deserve better than this man. Please don't stay with him because you feel you won't meet anyone else. I understand that you have children too and surely they would want you to be happy (clearly you are not at the moment).
I wish you all the best, because I know how hard all this is
xx

[atolhurst]

Well it's all very nice that he has a new job and a new flat to look forward to, but perhaps ask him exactly what he thinks it is keeping you in the situation; what do you have to look forward to.

I wouldn't ignore his phone calls having been with him for a few years as he deserves to know what you think. But if you've decided you can't be in a relationship where you only see him 4 times a month which is more than understandable in my personal opinion, then tell him that you have decided to move on.

Perhaps you ought to stop worrying about your age too. It isn't exactly impossible to meet people at 44 and would you rather be in a long term relationship with a situation you're not happy with, or single/dating?

[WendyS]

Well, here's a another person suggesting that you try to end this relationship. He's made his decisions and it now sounds as if he wants to have his cake and eat it. (Don't know if he's the same age as you but perhaps he's also have a few secret anxieties about finding himself alone again despite the excitement of a new job and a new flat. ) However, he's driven the situation and must accept responsibility for living with it. If you've been together for some years it perhaps would be a pity not to remain in some kind of contact, but having now made the decision that it will not work, just try and treat him as a friend, nothing more, and look to rebuild your life by making new friends and taking up new interests. He is moving on. So must you. As for the next three weeks, I suggest you have a few occasions when you just don't resond to his phone call to reinforce the impression that you're getting occupied with other things.

[Amiira]

Thankyou for answering. Especially Wendy S who answered me last time.... again I am replying late, so no doubt anyone will read this.....

I feel in such a muddle, I think my head may explode!

But just wanted to say thanks to you all xx

[steviep165]

i can understand all your viewpoints ladies, but the bloke says he wants to make it work? why are you coming down so hard on him. i noticed tonight and on the thread the other night that all the advice was coming from ladies. without meaning to cause anyone offence i think another perspective is needed.
if i remember rightly this was a good job offer he'd been given.
if he's prepared to give it a go even though he's working away why arnt you.
i didnt see the end of the discussion the other night but from what i could gather it wasnt a matter of infidelity or a lack of infidelity or anything like that.
so he wants his own flat, where is he supposed to live. could be a nice little earner when you BOTH sell it in two years time.
give the man a chance amiira, it might actually be worth your while.

best of luck whatever happens.

[Amiira]

Thanks Stevie for giving a mans viewpoint on all this. He will be renting a flat/bedsit, so I dont think I will even get anything out of that.. He has made his mind up, but cant understand why seeing him 4 nights a month does not make a relationship for me. Guess it just goes to show what was more important. But thanks again for replying.

[steviep165]

if he's def going away for the 2 years then do him a favour and tell him to buy a small place if he can. its a no-brainer. the price of renting a place far exceeds the cost of a mortgage over a couple of years. then you will be able to cash in.
is it a dream job he's been offered. if it is you could be on a loser. i graduated as a mature student a couple of years ago and had an MSc place and a job in place abroad if i achieved that Msc. i turned it down to stay in england and move in with the lady i live with now. and i still regret that decision sometimes.

sit him down, talk to him. if what he is prepared to offer and what you can live with dont coincide then call it a day.

its a toughy i know, and i really feel for you.
best of luck anyhow.xx.

[Amiira]

Thanks again Stevie....This man is not good with money, he couldnt afford to try and buy a place, and the reason he is going for this job is (1) The money (2) its a job he is trained for, and is with a big national company, which I think he thinks will impress family etc.

I couldnt stand in the way of his career, as I did not want him regretting it later, and possibly blaming me for it. So I let him chose, and he chose the job!

You must love your girlfriend very much to turn down the opportunity you had and to stay in the UK and be with her, and it must of been a very difficult decision for you. I hope everything works out for you too. And thankyou for replying x