Pendleside Festive Dingbats C/D 6 Jan...
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I-ve had enough
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I am getting to the point now that I dont know what to do. I love my partner to bits but I cant cope with his teenage son. All I ask is for him to have some respect and clean up after him, but no he cant do that. He has a bath every night and leaves it filthy so I have to clean it before I get in. He works outside so you can imagine how dirty it gets. If he spills anything it doesnt get wiped up, he clothes are strewn around his room, even the ones that I have washed. He eats food galoure and eats like a pig, I have threatened to leave, but at the end of the day, I think that is what his son is after, and why should I - I pay towards the bills etc, a damn sight more than he does, my partner says it wont be for ever, but hes only 19 I cant see him going to move out anywhere. I have spent years of being unhappy and thought I had found my soul mate at last, why should I continue being unhappy.
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kick his ass out he is 19 and can stand on his own feet if he wants to stay point out that he is 19 and not a child anymore and will have to pull his weight,dont feed, clean or wash for him anymore he wouldn't get away with it anywhereelse, raise his rent so that it is on a par with what you pay after you leave home sorry i know it sounds harsh but i am sick to death of the "teenage i know my rights brigade" who know crap all about real life, and yet get molly coddled along by their "ahhh bless him"" parents - not that i am suggesting you are one of these but im sure you know the type i mean if he complains ask him if you are giving him to much respect as you thought he was an independent adult!!! , failing this id have my bath with lots of bath oil - men hate it lol hope you get it sorted
oh thats a toughie....
have you spoken to your partner about all of this?
try asking your partner to clean up the mess after his son for a week and see if he then can see how much you need to clear up after him, maybe he will support you and see your side of it.
As regards his sons room, well, i would just shut the door on that and leave him live in the mess if thats the way he wants to live, his bedroom isnt for everyone to see... just him, he has to live in it.
Shame your partner doesnt want to have a bath after his son and its not you that want to have one, then he would have to clean that up anyway.... At 19 it is difficult to change their ways, but there is no harm in trying to set some ground rules.. expecially in front ofhis dad. Does your partner not see all this mess... ? Whats his view on all this? It could be worse, his son could only be 13 then you would have many many more years of living like this... so ***** your blessings..... i would never allow a 19 year old to dictate a relationship. But speak to him with his dad there, get him to bak you up also! Hope this helps.
have you spoken to your partner about all of this?
try asking your partner to clean up the mess after his son for a week and see if he then can see how much you need to clear up after him, maybe he will support you and see your side of it.
As regards his sons room, well, i would just shut the door on that and leave him live in the mess if thats the way he wants to live, his bedroom isnt for everyone to see... just him, he has to live in it.
Shame your partner doesnt want to have a bath after his son and its not you that want to have one, then he would have to clean that up anyway.... At 19 it is difficult to change their ways, but there is no harm in trying to set some ground rules.. expecially in front ofhis dad. Does your partner not see all this mess... ? Whats his view on all this? It could be worse, his son could only be 13 then you would have many many more years of living like this... so ***** your blessings..... i would never allow a 19 year old to dictate a relationship. But speak to him with his dad there, get him to bak you up also! Hope this helps.
19 and cant manage to tidy up after himself?
why should you have to do that for him, he has to learn sometime before he gets his own place.
Stop doing his washing, let him do it. First night he wants a clean top to go out he'll realise that the fairies dont do it for him.
Have a bath before he does and use a fairy jasmine bath bomb from lush. It leaves you covered in glitter, ok for you but not so great for a lad who doesnt know how to wipe a bath down.
As for his room, just ignore it, he wont live in a mess forever.
why should you have to do that for him, he has to learn sometime before he gets his own place.
Stop doing his washing, let him do it. First night he wants a clean top to go out he'll realise that the fairies dont do it for him.
Have a bath before he does and use a fairy jasmine bath bomb from lush. It leaves you covered in glitter, ok for you but not so great for a lad who doesnt know how to wipe a bath down.
As for his room, just ignore it, he wont live in a mess forever.
http://www.theanswerbank.co.uk/Body-and-Soul/Q uestion260434.html
is this you? if this boy has this disease, then I strongly suggest you and his father work as a team and approach with caution. About time you approached his mother too.
To me you are coming across as, if the boy does drop down dead of a heart attack, at least you'll have his father all to yourself then.
Get over it or go to your GP and get the info you need.
Or do none of you truly care about his health?
is this you? if this boy has this disease, then I strongly suggest you and his father work as a team and approach with caution. About time you approached his mother too.
To me you are coming across as, if the boy does drop down dead of a heart attack, at least you'll have his father all to yourself then.
Get over it or go to your GP and get the info you need.
Or do none of you truly care about his health?
Its not just his room that he messes, its everywhere. Have told his Dad umpteen times, he has even cleaned the bath out after him, I say he shouldnt. Get the lad to do it, so that annoys me, he tries to keep the peice, but its winding me up, his son is 19 for gods sake, make him do it. Yes he has marfans, but it shouldnt stop him from picking up a cloth and cleaning up after him. he takes things out of the freezer and closes the drawer with his bare feet, how skanky is that!!!! Ive mentioned it a few times before but to no avail. he leaves the fridge door open, he eats everything out of the cupboard, even if we say dont .
Non-Drug Counselling � for chronic disease, shortened life span, genetic risk to offspring. Patient should avoid vigorously competitive or contact sports (fatal aortic dissection and rupture in young adults is often due to Marfan�s syndrome). Scuba diving, weightlifting, climbing steep inclines and gymnastics should be avoided due to dangers of raised intra-thoracic/intra-aortic pressures. Many patients with the syndrome suffer poor self esteem and have impaired relationships/sex lives due to concerns about their bodily appearance. Psychological input may be beneficial.
so yes madam, you say that I should wrap him up in cotton wool, and panda to his every whim???? He does everything that a normal teenager does, no matter what you say to him he doesnt listen!!! he goes into my room and takes my DVDS, lays on the bed and watches tv, when he has his own room. goes night clubbing and makes a point of being the noiy so he wakes me up. That has nothing to do with marfans.
broadly speaking, you can't change other people's behaviour, only your own. 19-year-old males are famous for being slobs; mothers are famous for cleaning up after them. (I don't think either of these has a genetic basis, it's learned behaviour.) But you don't have to. If what you're doing doesn't win you the respect you want, stop doing it. Refuse to clean his room. Refuse to wash his clothes. You're not his nurse; you're not even his mother. And maybe you shouldn't be letting your partner off so lightly, either.
yesmadam, although the health risks of strenuous activity or sport seem to be high for a marfans sufferer surely that does mean that they dont try to live a normal life in other ways? It sounds like this lad is doing the normal things that suit him ie going out etc but not taking responsibilty for anything else. And why is debsoutho coming across as wishing him dead?
debsoutho, i really think that as a family you may need counselling or at the very least set up some ground rules that are a compromise. And as yesmadam said, get his mother involved. Does he ever stay with her?
debsoutho, i really think that as a family you may need counselling or at the very least set up some ground rules that are a compromise. And as yesmadam said, get his mother involved. Does he ever stay with her?
It does rather sound as if you've come to the end of the road now living with this situation and that you're not getting all the moral or physical support you need from your partner. Are you the only one who does most of the household chores. You say you contirbute towards the bills so I guess you're having to hold down a job as well, which must make your life pretty stressful. Your partner is obviously suffering from divided loyalties but it's now time for the two of you to have a serious talk about whether this sitution can continue and for some firm household rules about your partner's son to be introduced, i.e. respect, tidying up after himself and doing his own washing. Perhaps you give these rules a month's trial, stop doing his laundry and see whether there is a serious intent from the other parties to make your life in the house bearable. If this doesn't happen, then I suggest you may have to make the hard decision to move out, get your own place where your partner is welcome to visit on your terms. He may then find just how much you've holding this household together.
Has the boy accepted the marfans? does he need any psychological input on this subject or the fact that his parents are no longer together and you may be coming across as the step mom from hell?
Yes, excessive excercise is a no no for him, and no, I am not suggesting you wrap him up in cotton wool.
I am curious as to his mind and the marfans and how it's possibly affecting him?
How do you know the marfans is not affecting his attention?
Sit down as a unit and discuss.
Yes, excessive excercise is a no no for him, and no, I am not suggesting you wrap him up in cotton wool.
I am curious as to his mind and the marfans and how it's possibly affecting him?
How do you know the marfans is not affecting his attention?
Sit down as a unit and discuss.
your quite right, he does do everything that a teenager does. Dont knowabout his Mum, Have spoken to her a couple of times but she says hes a law unto himself, I have suggested that he move in with her, but I get a definaite no, she knows what hes like. I work 48 hours a week, do the household chores and I think I should consider moving out and renting - like you say it doesnt mean the end of the realtionship, my partner can come round whenever he wants and perhaps then he knows that I mean business. I really feel like I am having the p**** taken out of me with his son, I dont think he realises how much I have done for him, letting him stay with us for one thing. and getting extra on the mortage 30000 pound to give to his Mum, which was way more than she should of had in the first place.
My partner has two other children who dont live with us, they live local to us and have thier own partners and children, I get on really well with them. So how could I be a step Mum from Hell??
Last night I came in from work, had to clean the bath out before I got in it. Came downstairs to put tea on, went to the fridge to get it out and the lad had cooked it (only needed putting in the oven) and eaten the whole lot, that was intended for 3 of us, and that is acceptable yes madam - tell you what do you want to have him for a week!!!!!
Last night I came in from work, had to clean the bath out before I got in it. Came downstairs to put tea on, went to the fridge to get it out and the lad had cooked it (only needed putting in the oven) and eaten the whole lot, that was intended for 3 of us, and that is acceptable yes madam - tell you what do you want to have him for a week!!!!!
I've had the same sort of thing (though not including the illness) from my step-daughter. She's very, very wilful and stubborn. It came very close to breaking up our relationship more than once, even having me staying in a hotel. Fortunately, she departed to university, and we only see her occasionally now. Life is bliss!
Having to look after herself has drastically changed her outlook and behaviour. When she's with us, she now does at least a bit of tidying and cleaning etc, and does things we ask her to. She also respects us and our home a lot more. So, ghastly teenagers do change, but it will take a lot more than you yourself can do to make it happen.
Some suggestions: when she was in the trash-the-entire-house mode, we fitted locks on internal doors. "If you can't treat the house with respect, you won't be using it unless we're here". This one really used to get to her. Tidying up: her room we just left a festering mess, anything of hers elsewhere in the house, we asked her to move it, failing that we just threw it into her room. Though, I have to say, after a few years her room was a health hazard - but, she had to live in it, not us. Encouragingly (for us) she was so ashamed of her room, she wouldn't let her friends see it. Food: we tried to buy more food we liked and she didn't, so that her choice and amounts she could eat (while we were out) were limited. Washing: she had to bring down what she wanted washing, we never got dirty stuff out of her room for her. Bath: we usually left it dirty after we'd used it.
(cont...)
Having to look after herself has drastically changed her outlook and behaviour. When she's with us, she now does at least a bit of tidying and cleaning etc, and does things we ask her to. She also respects us and our home a lot more. So, ghastly teenagers do change, but it will take a lot more than you yourself can do to make it happen.
Some suggestions: when she was in the trash-the-entire-house mode, we fitted locks on internal doors. "If you can't treat the house with respect, you won't be using it unless we're here". This one really used to get to her. Tidying up: her room we just left a festering mess, anything of hers elsewhere in the house, we asked her to move it, failing that we just threw it into her room. Though, I have to say, after a few years her room was a health hazard - but, she had to live in it, not us. Encouragingly (for us) she was so ashamed of her room, she wouldn't let her friends see it. Food: we tried to buy more food we liked and she didn't, so that her choice and amounts she could eat (while we were out) were limited. Washing: she had to bring down what she wanted washing, we never got dirty stuff out of her room for her. Bath: we usually left it dirty after we'd used it.
(cont...)
(Cont)
Counselling was largely a waste of time, as it ended up with us two (she would never go) agreeing. But one postive thing that could come out is that if you feel so bad about this you'll go to counselling, perhaps your partner will appreciate how upset you are.
And following on from counselling, do, do, do talk it through with your partner. If they feel as strongly about you as you seem to them, then surely they will appreciate how this is ruining your life and risking your relationship. You have to sort this together, be united in your approach. Just achieving and demonstrating this unity may make the stepson see things in a different light. When trying to get things sorted, never disagree in front of him. Always act together.
I do think you should take action, as 'it won't be for ever' might not translate into reality! With such an easy life, why should your stepson want to change it?
Counselling was largely a waste of time, as it ended up with us two (she would never go) agreeing. But one postive thing that could come out is that if you feel so bad about this you'll go to counselling, perhaps your partner will appreciate how upset you are.
And following on from counselling, do, do, do talk it through with your partner. If they feel as strongly about you as you seem to them, then surely they will appreciate how this is ruining your life and risking your relationship. You have to sort this together, be united in your approach. Just achieving and demonstrating this unity may make the stepson see things in a different light. When trying to get things sorted, never disagree in front of him. Always act together.
I do think you should take action, as 'it won't be for ever' might not translate into reality! With such an easy life, why should your stepson want to change it?
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