Getting over feeling jealous

[Miss-read]

Hi, How do you get over the feelings of jealousy when your boyfriend "strayed" I am finding it difficult. Its not helping in the fact that he has trivialised (sp) it, and has changed his story so many times, I am not sure to believe. Part of me thinks he may of made it up to make me jealous. But other times, he has actually told me intimate details.. (I didnt want to hear) Any advice would be appreciated. Thanks

[kipchik]

You will find that in time,your feelings will change towards him,and that even if u stay together,you will stop being jeolous and the tables will turn,cant type the whole story as pc playing up!

[Miss-read]

thanks kipchik. I am hoping my feelings will change. Dont think I can ever forgive the "straying" bit. I have never, nor would never dream of it. But as long as I am in love with him, then it keeps torturing me the thought of him (to put it mildly) "doing it" with some other woman.

[kipchik]

Been there miss-read,we stayed together but my feelings have changed,so have i,now,its not me worrying,,,its him,its your guy screwed up,you have evrything going for you,if he's done the dirty and u want to stay with him,believe me,the tables WILL turn,my hubby seemed to forget i was capable,now,he's worrying!

[jno]

he told you intimate details? To be honest, that sounds like he intends to hurt you or he is so thick he has no idea that he is doing so. I'm not normally one to say 'Dump him!' when something goes wrong in a relationship, but I shall make an exception in this case.

Seriously - why do you love someone who treats you this casually/cruelly? Do you really want to spend your life with someone like that? It may be that he is just a stupid kid who needs to grow up fast (you don't give ages), but no need for you to be there while he does it. Do you hope to reform him with your love? This seldom happens; you accepting his behaviour just encourages him to think he can get away with it. Do you think you don't deserve any better? The fact that you are hurting, while he isn't, proves that you are better than him.

I'd say - don't get over the feelings of jealousy. They are a warning signal that something is badly wrong.

[Miss-read]

Think you have hit the nail on the head. I do now worry all the time about whether he actually did it, or was just playing mind f*ck with me. He has done other things in the past to make me jealous. So yes I look pretty insecure. But dont think I ever used to be. I have been advised by friends to "let him go" but the fear of being on my own is probably stopping me.

[jno]

I absolutely know what you mean about being alone, Miss-read. But going solo means you always have hope, even if Mr Right doesn't come along tomorrow. This guy is just giving you pain, and no hope. I think your friends are wise.

[mccfluff]

miss-read, i think and its only my opinion but if you lose the trust in your relationship, then its very hard to get that bavk, the fact that you are posting on here for advice makes me think, that perhap you want comfirmation of what you already think. do you trust him? if not unless your ready to keep things as you are, then my advice is get rid, but as i have said before only my opinion

[kipchik]

you're strong enough,dont under-estimate yourself,!

[Miss-read]

jno, yes I thought , why are you telling me the intimate details , which I add changed, from how he met her (he told me that) to where they went out (yes that also) to what her physical build was. (and more)

Yes maybe I dont think I can meet anyone else. I am 42 he is 41. And blowing my own trumpet here, but good looking, kind loving woman. Been together 3 years. But I cant understand why he can be so unfeeling.

The trust for me has gone now.

[Miss-read]

mccfluff, yes you are right too. Me asking this question on here, is maybe wanting other women to understand how I am feeling, and stops me feeling that I am going a bit doolally.. which is how I have been feeling.

I cant carry on worrying, and jno you are right again.

I know that being in this relationship can only hold me back, and lower my self esteem even more

[jno]

42 or not, he still needs to grow up. I don't say dumping him will be easy or pleasant (easy enough to say!) but I truly believe it will cause you a lot less grief in the long run. Whatever you choose to do, I hope things go better for you.

[Miss-read]

Well it cant be any worst. I spend so much wasted time torturing myself about him and this other woman. The other day I asked him if he is still in contact with her and he said "well the last time I emailed her"!........

I wanted him to say.. No I have never had contact with her since.

[Miss-read]

This could go on forever!

Thanks kipchik, jno and mccfluff.... xxx

[jno]

just one final thought, Miss-read... his actions are so unpleasant that it occurs to me he may in fact be trying to engineer a break-up himself - but being a bit of a coward (men sometimes are) he is trying to manoeuvre you into doing the dirty work. This doesn't change my advice in any way - it's just the only explanation I can think of for anyone to behave so obnoxiously.

[Miss-read]

Jno, I did say that to him.

I think I should be single.... saves me the mental anguish!

[violetblue]

Follow jno's advice. Noone who causes you so much pain is worth it; you're worth much better than this. Don't forget that when you break up with someone, it's always unpleasant, but when they're causing you pain, that stops. There will be things to look forward to that you don't have at the moment. Try to think of something you'd love to do which you couldn't do whilst hitched to this particular individual. A period being single is a good way of re-assessing and making changes that you may not have been able to do before. Good luck - he'll be the loser in the end!

[saintjohnny]

From a man's point of view: I think it's interesting that you are uncertain whether it actually happened, and that you think he might have made it up. Men, if they feel neglected by their partners, are sometimes liable to suggest that they have strayed in order to make their partner jealous. I'm sorry to say that i did this once to a girlfriend. She believed that i had slept with someone else, got very upset and ended up vowing to "win me back" which was exactly what I wanted her to do. Looking back, i now realise what a cruel and childish thing it was to do, but we men can be like this I'm afraid.

[WendyS]

You're not married and presumably have no children so why are you hanging around waiting for him to do it again?
If he had genuine feelings for you he wouldn't hurt you by making up these stories just to check whether your were jealous or not. You obviously no longer completely trust him so what the point of continuing with this relationship wondering when or whether he will stray again. Don't have so little self esteem that you doubt your ability to move on and make other friendships.

[Miss-read]

saintjohnny, thanks for your reply, and your honesty!...I dont think he could use the excuse that he was not getting enough attention. The only thing we argue about is his family and money! But from how his story changed, like I said, I wondered (a) if it really did happen to then (b) maybe it was more than one "fling" and he caught himself out. But yes, its a cruel way to treat another person.

Wendy. Thank you. My thoughts exactly ... if he had any feelings for me, he wouldnt mess me about, I said this to him. I have never messed him about.

Asking my question here has helped me a great deal. And I say a big thankyou to all of you x

[Miss-read]

Sorry, meant to say thank you to you violet too.

You are right, no one should make me feel this miserable. In fact I feel much better today after reading all your replies. Its reaffirmed what I thought in my head.

I cant live with the mistrust. Its making me miserable. If I am not with him. Then he is a free agent. And can do whatever he wants, without me. And I can be free to move on. Single. I have no plans to meet anyone else. For a long time.