Surviving a one night stand

[loppie]

After many problems in our relationship my boyfriend of two years had a one night stand with someone else. He told me straight away and said that it was a big mistake and that it made him realise how much i meant to him and wants to be with me.

We decided to give things one more go because we had been drifting along for ages and needed something to happen to make us realise how we reallly feel. Obviously i wish it wasnt such a drastic thing but it is, and it also made me realise how much i feel for him, and want him in my life as my boyfriend.

But now we have made that decision its like he's acting like nothings happened. He says its cos he wants to forget about it and move on cos it meant nothing, but I feel he should be trying to make it up to me somehow because it is of course a big deal to me. I feel like I now have stronger feelings for him because it hurt so much that he went with someone else, and I love him more, and want him to be with me, but after saying how he felt like that as soon as it happened he has now gone back to being a bit neglectful and like he is not sorry.

I have asked him if he really wants to do this becasue he wants to, not because he just feels guilty and he says yes he wants to be with me, so why is he not making more effort, and if it really did make him realise how much I mean to him why isnt he showing that now considering all he put me through?

[ChuffingHell]

That's a difficult one; on the one had, you have to ask yourself whether he realises how much that has hurt you, just carrying on like nothing's happened.

On the other hand, how long do you expect to try move on from it if it's hanging over you both. do you want to (or plan to) hold him over a barrell over this.

I must say I wouldn't be able to get back with a cheater because I wouldn't be able to stop 'making them pay' for the hurt they had caused, whether I wanted to or not. i would certainly feel like you if they didn't seem to be making the extra effort.

If he's gone back to 'old habits' that you're not happy with, that you were hoping would disappear, then I think you should tell him that and ask him if that's the way he's just going to be. Hopefully he'll say "no no honey" and make extra effort that won't diminish.

But if he doesn't say that, or he says he will make an effort but it doesn't last, you need to make a call as to whether you want to stay.

[Octavius]

It sounds (to me) like a mistake was made and you both confronted the issues, decided to stay together and make something of your relationship, and decided to move on from the mistake.

Unfortunately, I don't think you have moved on from it. Unless 'the way he has been treating you' is by having one night stands, then I think there may be deeper problems in the relationship that are not really resoplved at all.

Are you kidding yourself that you can move on and forgive AND forget because you really want to be with him? As it actually looks as if, while you think you want him, you are unable to live by the joint decision to put this in the past.

[maggie01]

It is a pity he didn't realise how much you meant to him before he went off with someone else, but I suppose we are all entitled to one and I repeat one mistake. You just have to give it time and see how things go. I wish you luck.

[newtron]

What do you want him to do? Does he know what you expect?

[**Clem**]

I really feel for you Loppie but think that it's really good that you're giving it another go.
My boyfriend really messed me around for ages and although it was years ago, it still bothers me now for the exact same reason you said - I feel he should be making it up to me.
It's only been in the last couple of months that he has been doing exactly that and it was because I told him. After years of asking for security and affection and attention, I finally said 'I feel like you owe me'. It worked. It might not be that easy with your boyfriend as with mine it came after years of trying everything else, but being COMPLETELY honest with what you're feeling can never be a bad thing in this situation.
Good luck! x

[miz_brunette]

I was in the exact same postion but i didnt find out until a year on. It was only the once but we split for a couple of weeks which made us really sad and made us bot realise what we did actually mean to each other. I've since regained trust in him and we're still together i know he's definately learned form his mistake. I think only you can tell if he's really sorry.

[Pippa68]

How do you want him to make it up to you? personally nothing he could do would make it up to me...