My girlfriend has slept with another woman

[cityfan_22]

I am 41 and my girlfriend is 30. My girlfriend has admitted to me that she slept with another woman (her close friend) I have been in a good strong relationship with her for 5 years and everything was fantastic. At first I thought she just wanted to tick a box as she has always fantasized about it but I believe she has strong feelings for this girl. Now she has postponed our wedding plans and says she's confused about her sexuality. I ve told her that I do regard it as cheating but I'm willing to totally forgive her as I have always believed she's the only girl for me and before this happened our relationship was so good. She feels really guilty and keeps beating herself up about it, i ve told her that what has happened is a mistake and we must look to the future. Now she is questioning her sexuality and asking herself whether it would be fair to carry on our relationship, I seem to be suspended in a void and don't know what I can do to sort this mess out. I understand she may have been experimenting and I know she loves me dearly. I'm not 100% sure I could cope with her seeing her friend as well as me but I would rather deal with that heartache than loose her. I know she has got a lot of thinking to do and she must be emotionally distressed with all these different confusing thoughts about who she is, what she is and what she wants, I have given her time away from me over the weekend to think things through. I miss her terribly already but I know she needs time on her own. Any advice would be much appreciated

[bexste]

I am really sorry to hear this cityfan, but you must let your girlfriend have time to think things through. She must be sure that it is you she wants to be fair to you as well. It would hurt even more if you got married and then she realised that it is not what she wants. Even though it hurts give her the time to think about things, and you should also think things through and see if this is still what you really want.

[Taz70]

I guess all you can do is give her some time and space. If you try to pressure her she may back away from you totally.

She does need to sort out her feelings though, because it's not fair to leave you dangling and not knowing where you stand. As much as you love her, I don't really think allowing her to see her friend as well as you would work. I think there would be too much guilt on her part and too much jealousy on yours.

It could be a passing phase or maybe not. Did it happen just the once? How does her friend feel? Set a reasonable time limit, say, a couple of weeks, and then she has to let you know her decision because you can't wait around forever.

[Carakeel]

You're a star cityfan. You are doing exactly the right thing, giving her and yourself a little time to think. Whatever she decides, you really must try not to become the doormat in the middle. I cannot condone what she has done, but she didn't go with her woman friend to hurt you, of that I am pretty sure. I don't think you should accept a third party in the relationship though, as this really never works. Someone always gets hurt. I would feel that, if she had the urge to explore a sexual or loving relationship outside the serious (marriage pending!) one you two have, then perhaps she was not sure that being with you is enough for her in the long term. In this case, remain friends and let her go, as sooner or later you are bound to get hurt and this might also lose you her friendship. So,really she needs to decide what she wants out of her and your lives. But she must not mess with your head, that just wouldn't be fair. It is best to be honest. How else can partners ever feel they can trust each other? Please look after yourself and especially your heart! Perhaps she is not the one afterall? I love my parter so very much and, to be honest, if I suddenly felt I had the 'hots' for someone else, I would not allow myself to give in to them. My partner means too much to me and I would never risk hurting him. But everyone is different. I wish you well cityfan.

[suffragette]

I'm a bisexual woman, but can only give you information with regard to my own particular case. I prefer longer term relationships with men, but every so often the urge to be with a woman becomes overwhelming. Such feelings eventually ended my marriage, even though I never acted upon them whilst with my former husband.

A lot of people think the idea of having a bisexual wife/girlfriend is wonderful, but my feelings are frustrating and painful and they most certainly were for my ex-husband.

I envy people who are either gay or straight because, like most people, I want that special one to one relationship, but unlike most people, I doubt it will be attainable for me. Many people view bi-sexuals as merely 'greedy' sexually, but that is obviously a simplistic notion. Like anyone else, I am unable to change my sexuality for the sake of convenience or even to make my love life 'simpler' and less ruddy frustrating.

I sympathise with both you and your partner, but from my own experience, the feelings are unlikely to go away, though her desire to act upon them may diminish, but I doubt it. I apologise if this has been of no help or comfort to you.

Bisexualism is not always the wonderful, bohemian lifestyle the gossip columnists and film makers would have us believe.

[Pisceangirl]

Hi cityfan. As a bisexual woman myself I have often wondered whether I'd end up with a man or woman. I've done a bit of experimenting but i've met a man who I've fallen for and this is a relationship I consider important and has a future. I would not risk our relationship to experiment further as I wouldn't want to hurt or betray my partner. You must be very confused and hurt but in a way she must be too. Don't share her with anyone else- would you do this if it was another man?! She may lose respect for you if you do this. Keep your dignity by giving her time to decide either or. Just because someone may be Bi-sexual it should not be an excuse for infidelity. I wouldn't have sexual relations while she's deciding either- this may confuse her even more & will create a bad habit pattern where she is sleeping with you both, making her less inclined to choose. Try to be strong and don't allow yourself to be unhappy for too long, life's too short. Good luck :)

[cityfan_22]

Ward~minter
I can trust this woman again because she's been completely honest with me, a trait which has not been present in girlfriends in the past. She means everything to me and when she has sorted her head out i will accept her decision. Somethings are worth fighting for and I truly believe this girl is my soul-mate, best-friend and lover. We will take things a day at a time and i believe we can pull through this and become stronger. I understand that she is struggling with her sexuality and who are you to judge her morals! I will be giving her all the support I can to work through this and I have a feeling that everything is going to be OK, I'm not 100% certain but I know for a fact that it is worth a try. It is easy to throw negative comments like you have, but perhaps your the type of defeatist guy that would never stand up for what you truly believe is worth fighting for!

[atolhurst]

cityfan, I don't agree with wardminter's approach to this, nor his opinion of bi-sexuals, but I do think he has a point. I also don't know exactly what you're asking. You already seem to have decided what you're willing to forgive her about this and that you're going to give her some space to think things through because she's feeling so confused so what advice are you after?

If you'd want to know what other people would do in this situation, then my answer is that I'd leave. Doesn't matter if the person she went with was the same sex as them or not, it's betrayal - yes she told you about it, but she still did it and (as ward minter says), what will stop you worrying about what she may do (or even just want to do) in the future?

Also, she's telling you she's not sure about marrying you. She either loves you or she doesn't. Yes people get nerves but I'm not sure this is just about her sexuality (although it's a part of it), it's also about doubts over your relationship.

I really feel for you in this situation hun, it must be awful and I think you're being very kind, but I think you're going to get hurt ultimately. Please think about yourself.

[Pisceangirl]

Hi cityfan. I've just read the comments lately to your situation & am quiet apalled about 'ward-minter's' suggestions & comments. You seem to be a very sensitive & caring man & I bet u don't appreciate bigotous comments. Listen to the earlier advice in the comment history and try not to get riled by any further attempt to provoke you....some people go on these sites to try and make themselves 'heard' probably because they otherwise feel powerless in life (ok it's their opinion but a very strong and uneducated one at that). I hope you find a happy balance in your life and I also hope that 'Ward-minter' doesn't go around preaching his views in say, Canal Street or the like anytime soon!!! ;)

[Pisceangirl]

"ward minter!" If you truly believe that the "lord!" made us gay or straight!!! Let me tell You!!! You are unbeknown to the controversy and the social conformity that life presents us with, you are very lucky! Can you empathise with a woman that feels this way but is a loyal soul?! Bi-sexuality is nothing to do with religion but wih genetics!!!