Manipulative step-child?

[Yodel]

My partner's 9-year old daughter spends alternate weekends with us. Last time she had an upset tummy following the visit, and this weekend she gave us an edict from her mother about what we're supposed to feed her and what we're not. Although that did annoy me (I'm not about to poison her daughter deliberately!) what really got on my nerves was the glee with which the child delivered this message. I do find her behaviour a bit manipulative at times, she seems to like to discomfort me, and make sure I know my place in the pecking order. Her father dismisses it: he thinks a 9-year old is too young to manipulate people, and accused me of being paranoid! I'd be grateful for advice from any part-time step-parents out there. Thanks.

[Neenee]

personally i feel this is a difficult one...

my partner has 3 children. thankfully they are mid teens nw and not too bad (one worse than the other two - but can deal with that) i think dads are always a little biased towards their kids.. thats what i felt anyway.. its precious time tht they all have together and time wehre by no-one wants to have rows and fall out.

i must admit, in an idea world i would want a man with no baggage, but sadly its society today and most guys do have baggage...

i know this prbably doesnt answer yur question, but im just trying to explain how i feel and felt my experience with step kids are.....

its not easy, and if i had my time again, would try and find someone who is young free and bagage free!!!

[oldwoman]

I wonder what present she will get off mummy for delivering that message and have you two falling out. My daughter has a step daughter who has made her life a complete hell. I always made sure if I bought my grandaughter anything I did the same for the step one. I got an e mail off the step one saying You are weird. I said thanks for that it`s taken me a lifetime to perfect. After another e mail asking what perfect meant.... I told her it means you get nothing more from me. A pain in the butt thats what step kids are.

[Aprilis]

Hi Yodel. I sympathise with you.

Anyone who thinks that a 9-year old can't manipulate isn't living in the REAL world. Oh yes they bl00dy well can!!! I've seen it so many times from the children in my family, my friends' children, my own child....

Granted, some are more astute at it than others, but it is all part of the learning process and growing up. ALL children manipulate (and ALL children tell lies). Anyone who insists that their precious little one doesn't do this is totally misguided and is giving their child a license to do exactly that.....and get away with it. Because that child then knows that whatever it does, Mummy and/or Daddy will defend them to the hilt and insist their child isn't capable of such a thing....while the kid sits there and smugly sneers at you!

Can you tell this is a bit of a bugbear of mine? LOL! ;o)

However, all that aside, I think that when a child (or anyone for that matter) is trying to manipulate a person or a situation, it is too easy to feel that you don't want to allow them to get away with it. Then you can find yourself in a bit of a battle or power struggle with them. If you are a step parent or new partner you are then giving them the ammunition to play both ends against the middle if you know what I mean.

< continued below>

[Aprilis]

Because it's natural for a parent to feel defensive of their kids you could find yourself being painted as the bad guy and, hey presto, your relationship with their dad has just been undermined. On the other hand, the less of a reaction the child gets from you, the less 'payoff' there is. I realise that this is often easier said than done but you shouldn't react in a negative way. Be pleasant and fair with the child and you will eventually establish that you are not the enemy. Even if you really don't feel like it, be kind and concerned about her and make a point of praising her good points, but for God's sake don't try to mother her! That's probably what she's expecting and one of the things she is afraid of. Be approachable and be a friend but don't make her think you are trying to be her new mum.

Encourage her and her dad to have lots of cuddles and a bit of a laugh together. That should help to heal any insecurities she might have about you standing between her and her dad. I'm sure you aren't but she probably doesn't see it that way.

Ideally all this should eventually lead to a better relationship with the child and she would no longer see you as a threat who has taken daddy away from her. In the real world, If this is going to happen it takes a long time and copious amounts of patience is required.

It's getting a bit boring to hear these Super Nanny types keep banging on about it these days but, the old adage is true.....Ignore the bad behaviour and praise the good. It seems to work.

By the way, it's not personal! Your partner's daughter is behaving in a very typical way for a child who's parents have split and have new partners. If your partner was with someone else entirely they would be getting the same treatment you are.

Good luck and best wishes.

<I just wish I was good at taking my own advice! ;oP >

[joko]

if the food order is exceptionally awkward, refuse and ask the mother to create 3 days worth of meals for you to reheat, as you would be too scared of doing something wrong

that will really irritate her

[Aprilis]

He he! Good one joko! Yodel would be doing this out of care and concern for the girl of course ;o)

[Yodel]

Thanks everyone for the advice. Joko, I must admit I was tempted to do just that! I guess I just have to remember I'm a grown-up, and just bite my lip.

[Bohne]

@oldwoman: maybe you should remember that children basically are what grownups make them!

I have a stepdaughter who was 10 when I first met her, and immediately she was all over me.
We don't have much contact, since we live in Germany, and she lives in the States, but I have never had anything than really lovely emails and letters from her!

@yodel: I think nine-year olds can be manipulative, but I don't think they REALLY and fully understand what they are doing.
I think your best reaction would be to show her, that you are not in the least bothered and go to the next topic!

[Pippa68]

My stepdaughter is 13 and I have been her stepmum for just over 10 years. I wouldn't say she has been manipulative in the past, but her mother certainly has! I swear blind she has Munchausens by proxy...when we had contact issues she would deliberately make out her daughter was ill...stepdaughter has been treated for asthma for the last 9 years, but we have never seen any evidence of asthma ~ even the childs doctor has been in doubt over the mothers claims & has refused antibiotics for her in the past because of 'over use'.

We have had stepdaughter turn up with no clothes to wear over the weekend, refusal of contact blah blah blah..allsorts of crap, basically. A few occasions I haven't bitten my tongue ~ but began to realise that by giving a reaction I was simply hurting my stepdaughter. Nowadays I just have a laugh about the mothers shenanigans and stepdaughter rolls her eyes about it all the time! when we recently went on holiday mother didn't pack any sanitary towels for her daughter, even though she knew they were needed as stepdaughter had her period. Mother has always liked the idea of inconveniencing us, not realising that she is hurting her daughter. I took her out to buy some, and she told me that she would be telling her mother that I did just that ~ adding that it would make her mother go crazy!

So yes, manipulation is still in place but the boot is on the other foot nowadays. If I were you I would let it ride and not react..it will pay off in the end, and if you are in it for the long haul it really isn't worth getting into a funk over.

[claireyfairy]

if the mother had a real problem with what you were feeding her daughter then she would have told you herself. I think this is a little scheme that the mother has cooked up and she is using the child to do her dirty work and stir things up. And I agree that the child will probably be getting praise from her mother for this. Yes children can be manipulative but it sounds like this one is being given a helping hand!