What should i do?

[mnko]

I have a dilema. my father who i havent spoke to in like 10 years emailed me through friends reunited yesterday, I was ment to be getting married on thursday but it had to be postponed. now the thing is i was physically abused by him until my mum walked out on everyone, i then had 2 spend another 9 months with him until my mum had found somewhere to live. i then moved in with her, My dad always says he never beat me. I know he will never admit to it. I have issues which will never be resolved, Now do i get in touch with him? my siters all dont want anything to do with him and im the only boy. I was so amazed by the email, my heads been all over the place. I dont know what to do? he never ended the email with dad he put his name! He knows that he cant call himself that to me. My head is wrecked. I NEED ADVICE PLEASE.

[mccfluff]

Glyn, you have to decide what is important in your life, your dad has got in contact after 10 years, maybe he can wait a while, look to youself and your wife to be and the kids. if you are not happy getting in contact then don't

[unruliejulie]

ah Glynn, this is a tough one thats for sure. Your heart must be telling you one thing but your head needs to keep its distance. Have you ever thought over the years, how you would feel if he got in touch?

I would have to say, maybe he has regrets now which is why he has contacted you. If you did meet with him you would certainly need to address these issues with him. I cant advise you because im afraid on this one, you have to know what you want to do. Its a big decision but dont spend your life thinking, if only. Hug to you, as always X

[mccfluff]

I think IAP put it so much better than i did, he does not get your respect just because he has the 'tag' of father. look to yourself and your family that's what matters now, take care honey xx

[noxlumos]

From a personal point of view ( I suffered significant physical abuse at the hands of my father who died when I was still very young) if you do not contact him, you may miss a great opportunity to lay some ghosts and regain your personal power. His motives may indeed be impure as IAP says, but that doesn't mean necessarily that there is nothing for you to gain by it. I had an appalling relationship with my mother for years who flatly denied that my father ever abused me (she ignored it completely at the time) despite my having a brain injury and scars all over my body still, after 40 years. I decided one day that enough was enough and went to see her and she predictably denied all ( out of shame I believe) but eventuially after hours of yelling, crying screaming and talking we broke through that and she admitted that he'd done what he had and that she knew about it yet chose to do nothing. We slowly built a tenuous realtionship which is more like mother and son, but clearly it'll never be exactly that. I feel that unravelling everything that happened to me actually helped me to heal and I am only sorry that my father is not alive so that I could confront him about it, as I am not a little boy anymore and would have been in a position to take my power back from him. I hope you can understand what I mean by that.
You have a chance to do that if you so wish, and frightening and hurtful though it it will be, I'd consider very carefully giving up that opportunity because one he's dead it's gone for good and you can never get it back.
I hope you go on alright, let us know how you get on and what you decide.

[makemesmile]

Don't do anything rash - take some time to think about it. I think I have some idea of how you're feeling. Whilst I don't want to go into detail, your relationship with your father has some similarities to my relationship with mine. My father also denies any such problems - or those he does acknowledge, he wont accept any responsibility for. But the fact still remains that I wish things had been different and that those things hadn't happened. And in some ways, I still crave a better relationship with him. Obviously, if he wont face upto things, thats not going to be possible. But maybe your father is ready to accept responsibility? If he were, do you think that would help you in any way? Or perhaps this tragic part of your life hasn't left any scars - and you're completely happy and well adjusted. One way of looking at this is to try and imagine how you'll feel when your father passes away (difficult I know). Is there anything you would have liked to have said to him? Do you think you might have any regrets of not being able to get something off your chest? Only you can answer these questions, take some time to explore how you feel. This could be a blessing in disguise. Or you may just wish to let sleeping dogs lie. Good luck : )

[chiswicik]

mkno,

Every answer here has some points to ponder. I imagine myself in your shoes and I can see how hurt you are. However, I think your father is beginning to regret what he did and wants to make amends hence the reason he contacted you. People change, maybe he has. Don't deny your kids from knowing their grandfather. If you get in touch with him and things didn't go, as it should you don't have to see him again. I also echo everything that makemesmile said. I also think you should give your father a chance. If you didn't want to give your father another chance, you would not have written this seeking advise. Your mind would have been completely made up. Forgive your father; it's the right thing to do. His conscience is bothering him.

[Miss Inquiry]

What brilliant responses from everyone.
mnko, What do you want to do deep down? Maybe others can give you advice on what steps to take next. Did he know about your wedding? Is that why you are thinking of going to Vegas?

[garry745]

mnko

The simple answer here as far as I'm concerned is for you to take a step back if at all possible from all your thoughts and feelings, and try and assess what it is that you want. Identify what fears your about getting in touch again, and equally what fears you about not getting in touch. Work out what life is going to be like with the contact as well as without. Most importantly of all, figure out how you will feel if for any reason you get in contact again and all your fears are realised.

Everyone here can only offer advice, but the ultimate decision is down to you. Believe me that keeping that distace away from a parent is incredibly hard, and is actually a lot harder than making contact again. You've made decisions why you don't want contact and why you want to distace yourself from him, so do you really see any difference in situations now.

Essentially, what I'm saying is that you are very confused about what you're feeling right now, so think the best thing is to hold off any kind of contact until you feel better equipped personally to deal with this. A popular view is to put what is going to be your family first, but think you really need to put yourself first. Sounds very selfish, but you've suffered enough and don't deserve to endure any more suffering.

Trust me when I say that you can have a life without parents if you feel that it's not right to have them in your life. Did just that myself as had to break away from both my violent, alcohol fuelled parents, and stayed away for years and years. They never got to see their grandchildren, and didn't see how my life developed, whether good or bad. They have both passed away now. Did make my peace with them before they went because they were still my parents, the people that brought me into this world. My conscience is clear that I did the right thing for me, and my family. Did require strength many times to maintain it, but gut instinct tells