Hospice deaths - is this usual??...

[Mazzini]

This is a little strange as questions go...A relative recently passed away in a hospice. They were unconcious at the end (thankfully) for many hours with a syringe driver medication etc. The family were asked to leave the room so the nurses could 'make the patient comfortable'. The family left as requested and were minutes later hurriedly fetched back as the patients' breathing had changed. It had actually stopped and the patient was dead. I have since spoken to three other people whose relatives have died in different hospices, all in the same way, when the familys were out of the room and the patients were 'being made comfortable'. Now I am certainly not saying the staff have done anything wrong but it is playing on my mind. Is there some unwritten guidance of up-ing the medication or moving them in a way that alters the heart function if they are lingering too long? Most of my family seem content that things were managed well and pain free which of course is paramount and the death was expected but it just keeps going round in my head....

[raysparx1]

I know what you mean Mazzini, I had a dear friend who was admitted to a Hospice last year,and the same thing happened,it was such a relief to all when she was made "more comfortable" we were really greatfull to the lovely nurses and doctors that were there at the time,they do all they can,but there comes a time when no more can be done, Ray

[Ethel]

I know what you are suggesting but please think about this logically.
There would have been times when your relative was without visitors. This would be a chance for the hospice to do any deeds that you are hinting at, rather than while the family were near by.

You can be very sure that your relative was cared for with respect, dignity and sensitivity throughout.

It's a sad time and you can expect to be looking for reasons and answers. I hope you feel easier soon.

[lizzydrippin]

I think its probably better if they do "make the patient comfortable" while the friends and family are nearby as it would be important to most of them to have been with the loved one during their last moments.

[Mazzini]

Thanks for your replies....re the patient being alone for the staff 'to do any deeds', well we were constantly with her for the last 72 hours, both while she was talking and animated and then when she was unconcious, the only moments myself or one other family member wasn't in the room was when the staff asked us to pop out for a few minutes. I had promised to stay with her until the end and to be at the bedside for 72 hours and then be away from her at the end because I was asked to give the staff a few minutes, well, I just felt like I had broken my promise and kind of felt cheated of those final peaceful moments by the bedside. The grief I can deal with, there were no regrets and nothing left unsaid. I just find this ending of the whole thing a bit unreal. Anyway, thanks again for your postings. xxx

[raysparx1]

Please don't feel cheated,you were there for the important time,it could of happened while you had just poped out for a coffee or to the Loo,your relative knew you were there,you kept your promise,and although you knew the end was coming it is still a shock when the realisation sets in,it is a surreal sort of feeling,like a dream,thinking of you, Ray

[serendipity1]

my brother was in a hospital ward , they made him comfortable at our request, he was surrounded by family , he was given diamorphine , he went to sleep quite soon we wouldnt have had it any other way.

[Hellion]

Hi Mazzini - I think this phenomena of 'waiting until they are alone' is not just confined to hospices. My sisters friend was at home and her husband had been with her for a straight 12 hours, my sister suggested he went and got a breath of fresh air and she said that as the front door closed her friends breathing changed and she literal took a deep breath and died - my sister said it was almost as if she was waiting for her husband to leave the room and she sighed with relief. An old lady I know had people with her constantly but died in the one moment when no-one was in the room.
I think there is probably a deep instinct to die when we are alone - many animals purposely leave their pack to be alone.
You absolutely kept your promise to your relative - but dying is a personal journey and although surrounded by loved ones I truly believe the final step is one that many people wish to take alone. But you can rest assured that she knew that she was loved and cherished right to the end.

[raysparx1]

Helli, that is a lovely answer to a very sad event xx

[patsyann]

Hi Mazzini, I sat with my Mother for hours in a nursing home and one of my daughters had been with me all afternoon and popped out to make a cup of coffee.Mothers breathing suddenly altered and she was gone before I had time to call my daughter back .It was so sudden and I was actually filing my nails as nothing had happened for such a long time .Totally unexpected.She had been unconcious on a syringe drive for three days.