boyfriend with low self esteem

[bowannabow]

I have been with my boyfriend for four months. Things were great at first but more recently he has been ill (he is suffering from exhaustion and severe anxiety). This has caused difficulties in the bedroom, I have been understanding of course but recently I've been upset - and showed it - which has inevitably made things worse! I feel guilt about this.

I feel we've not been together long enough to start facing these kind of problems. Am I being a selfish uncaring girlfriend by questioning my feelings? He is depressed and low and I'm trying to be patient but I just want him to be happy. He says he will be when we move in together (we are currently having a long distance relationship) but I think he needs to be happy in himself and with what we have now.

He also suffered from an eating disorder as a teenager. He's normally pretty confident, happy and cheerful and a lovely guy but this has changed.

Does anyone have any thoughts/advice?

Many thanks

[Eve]

I think you're right about needing to be happy in himself as other people can help but it's a dangerous thing for people to rely on someone else to make things better when it's a deeprouted psychological problem/illness.

The thing with eating disorders is that they never really completey go away, it's more a matter of controlling the illness/addiction (or taking the control away from it if you want to look at it that way) but there are always times when that is tested. Even if a "relapse" doesn't go into a physical one the mental part can be extremely destructive and exhausting in itself.

Has he sought any help recently or in the past and if not, would he consider it?

4 months is not a long time and i think it's only human to feel as you, it's a very hard thing to live with however much you love someone and I'm sure i put some people close to me to hell and back through my eating disorder and relapses.

If you realy want to try and make it work why not spend some quality time together and really talk and listen to how each other is feeling but try and at least end it on a positive note about how you can help each other to work through things.

[bowannabow]

Thanks Jenna, very helpful indeed. Its good to hear the thoughts of someone outside of the situation who has some insight into things.

He's going to see a hypnotherpist today and we will see how that goes. A counsellor may be a good idea I think.

thanks again
x

[MrBen5]

Hmmm, showing that your upset to him will only make things worse, as it will add more pressure onto him. I dont think it helps that its a long distance relationship either, as you wont see much of each other and spend quality time together. Obviously you need to explain to him that you need a proper chat and that things need to improve. Being a guy, he needs to accept responsibilities and treat his girlfriend right, whether he has problems himself or not. I dont think the eating disorder as a teenager has suddenly made him like this(hope thats not the excuse he is using). until he sorts his issues out, your relationship is gonna get much worse...

[bloaterbum]

There is only so much you can take and you will know when.Kindness does not always work!