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Opinions please...
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I live alone with my 4 year old son. I work in a not very well paid job and I get help from tax credits. Apart from that I pay all my own bills. When my son was 10 months old his father admitted to sleeping around and we split up. I more or less forced him to visit his son for the next year after that. He did visit but very reluctantly and not regularly. Eventually, following consecutive let downs, I told him not to bother any more. To my shock, he didn't even argue and I haven't heard from him since. I have heard of him and he has a good life, bought his own house, doing it up, lot's of girlfriends and several holidays a year. I am still in touch with his mother and she says he never ever asks how his own son is.
My problem is this. I can't bear for my son to grow up feeling that he has done something wrong for his dad to disown him. Should I get in touch with him again and force meetings between him and my son and just not let my son know it has been forced? As long as he can say he has a dad and he sees him? I just don't know. Also, does anyone have a clue as to how much Child Support should be these days? His wage is approx �1500 a month.
(p.s- I hope people don't think I'm mad, I just have been thinking a lot about this recently.)
My problem is this. I can't bear for my son to grow up feeling that he has done something wrong for his dad to disown him. Should I get in touch with him again and force meetings between him and my son and just not let my son know it has been forced? As long as he can say he has a dad and he sees him? I just don't know. Also, does anyone have a clue as to how much Child Support should be these days? His wage is approx �1500 a month.
(p.s- I hope people don't think I'm mad, I just have been thinking a lot about this recently.)
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I was in the same situation not so long back, the big difference being that my ex-husband finally contacted me to see our now 7 year old son on his birthday. The CSA are pointless, he wanted to me contact them several years ago (he's gone through periods of seeing him, then not) and when I did he appealed against the decision as he thought it was too much (he asked me to go through them!) now I receive practically nothing as they won't do an attachment of earnings on him ('too much work' according to the CSA) . In the last three months I've received �35. He's on an extremely good wage, has his own house, no other children, extra income from his partner etc. So the CSA is a definite no in my opinion!
As for his father I agree with DottyH, until your son starts asking questions about him and wondering why he's not around, I'd leave it. The blokes obviously not grown up yet by the sounds of it.
You say you're still in touch with your ex's mother, does she see your son?
As for his father I agree with DottyH, until your son starts asking questions about him and wondering why he's not around, I'd leave it. The blokes obviously not grown up yet by the sounds of it.
You say you're still in touch with your ex's mother, does she see your son?
I agree with Dotty....
As for getting him to see his son...I think you should try what you can for your sons sake but if he isn't interested just let it go.....it's his loss....and you can look at your lovely little boy and know that he is a product of your love and be proud of that....and when he's a man he's a man because of you!
As for getting him to see his son...I think you should try what you can for your sons sake but if he isn't interested just let it go.....it's his loss....and you can look at your lovely little boy and know that he is a product of your love and be proud of that....and when he's a man he's a man because of you!
I say his mum, she had him at 15 and was forced to have him adopted. She contacted him when he was 18 (9 years ago) and has been in touch since. She lives with a guilty consience and would do anything for him. She doesn't see him very often though and he contantly let's her down too. He never turned up for Christmas meal that she had paid �40 for. She knows he's an idiot though and feels it's her fault, the way he is with his own son. (ooh isn't it lovely and confusing!)
I went through the CSA 2 years ago and I now get �30 a week. It comes in dribs and drabs throughout the month (god knows how they are working it out) I just don't think this is enough, I have been on CSA website just now and the calculator said �52 a week!!? How would I go about asking him for �300 a month as dottyh said, without contacting him directly? I can't afford a solicitor.
Thanks guys
I went through the CSA 2 years ago and I now get �30 a week. It comes in dribs and drabs throughout the month (god knows how they are working it out) I just don't think this is enough, I have been on CSA website just now and the calculator said �52 a week!!? How would I go about asking him for �300 a month as dottyh said, without contacting him directly? I can't afford a solicitor.
Thanks guys
Oops, sorry Katangel, yes my ex's mother sees my son. She has him for a weekend every 6 weeks without fail. Drives 3 hours to where I live to pick him up and bring him back again. Buys him toys, clothes, shoes- he isn't short of anything. The reason I want the money off my ex is because (although my son is my angel....) I have to sacrifice my social life and love life so why shouldn't he lose out by coughing up some cash? After all, it wasn't an immaculate conception! (Hope I don't sound greedy.)
I am pretty sure you can get an attachment to earnings order via the courts and if u are on WFTC you may well qualify for a fee exemption. Is he on the boy's birth certificate as the father? If so great, go to your local county court and get the self help leaflets and the right forms and ask the people at the court about fee exemption and then come back on here and we will all help you fill the forms in.
Bless you Dotty,
Thank you so much. He was present when the birth certificate was issued and I can't remember what and if we signed anything. His name is not on his birth certificate yet neither is mine. Just our sons name. I think I will make an appointment with CAB. Thing is, I get really stressed and confused when I have to deal with things like this and form filling, so thank you very much for offering to help.
Thank you so much. He was present when the birth certificate was issued and I can't remember what and if we signed anything. His name is not on his birth certificate yet neither is mine. Just our sons name. I think I will make an appointment with CAB. Thing is, I get really stressed and confused when I have to deal with things like this and form filling, so thank you very much for offering to help.
Is it just me or is your priority firstly the money. Your first post said you want your son to have a father, and yes i agreed that this could perhaps be a good thing, however all your subsequent posts are about how much money you can get.
If it is about your son and trying to see if your ex wants to try a relationship with him then dont go in asking for more money. your priorities are wrong. you either want him to have a relationship built up or you want him to get niggled by you saying 'heres your son and by the way lets increase your maintenance from now on'.
You have been received some money over the years from him, and so decide if your wanting more money or wanting a good relationship built up between your son and his dad
I am aware that perhaps his dad may not be interested but least explore this route first. He can use the extra money to take your son out or treat him, if it gets this far
If it is about your son and trying to see if your ex wants to try a relationship with him then dont go in asking for more money. your priorities are wrong. you either want him to have a relationship built up or you want him to get niggled by you saying 'heres your son and by the way lets increase your maintenance from now on'.
You have been received some money over the years from him, and so decide if your wanting more money or wanting a good relationship built up between your son and his dad
I am aware that perhaps his dad may not be interested but least explore this route first. He can use the extra money to take your son out or treat him, if it gets this far
i know, i get how expensive they are and that it would be nice to have a break more than every 6 weeks but she cannot say she wants money cos she doesnt have a love life and evenings out. He is missing out on her son which is more of a loss than a night out in the pub.
i just think her priorities are mixed up and its about money first, access second.
i just think her priorities are mixed up and its about money first, access second.
Thank you for your post badgerchops. I appreciate you reading it and putting your opinion across. However, I can assure you my first and main priority is the mental and physical wellbeing of my son. The fact my following posts were about the CSA/maintenance were in response to posts from DottyH and Katangel26's advice on the matter. At the end of the day, he should want to see his son no matter what! So if i pushed him for more maintenance you think it'd be acceptable for him to turn around and say actually I don't want to see my son now? He has done that anyway! The fact that the CSA payments have been �20 per month, short for the past 2 years (and I have not complained) show that I have been concentrating on my son, not money grabbing. It was actually his mother who asked me what payments I got and she said this didn't seem right and pushed me to look into it. As for treating him in the future, this won't happen.
His father lives an hour away so on the occasions in the past when he did come up, I used to fill my fridge with food and drink (for him and my son), leave a pack of nappies and anything else i thought my son would need. (Bear in mind at this point NO money was coming from him and I was on my own working part-time) Eventually my dad decided enough was enough and told me not to buy anything. His father turned up once again empty handed and actually asked me where everything was and why had i left nothing. "I don't expect to have to start shopping." Were his words. I later heard off a friend that they had seen him and my then 16 month old son in the local park feeding him beans and sausages straight from the can. It was February and freezing cold. He didn't take him to a cafe as it would've cost him.
His father lives an hour away so on the occasions in the past when he did come up, I used to fill my fridge with food and drink (for him and my son), leave a pack of nappies and anything else i thought my son would need. (Bear in mind at this point NO money was coming from him and I was on my own working part-time) Eventually my dad decided enough was enough and told me not to buy anything. His father turned up once again empty handed and actually asked me where everything was and why had i left nothing. "I don't expect to have to start shopping." Were his words. I later heard off a friend that they had seen him and my then 16 month old son in the local park feeding him beans and sausages straight from the can. It was February and freezing cold. He didn't take him to a cafe as it would've cost him.
Again, I see I am going off the point but I just wanted to make it clear that my first priority is my son. I want him to grow up feeling loved. Even if it means I force his father to act like he loves him so my son feels secure. Even if it is false? I just don't know what is the right thing to do. Bringing up a child is hard enough at the best of times, but to be his mum and dad and do all the caring, worrying and decision making alone, is very difficult. But i do my best and don't see why a father shouldn't either.
Just out of interest, do you have children yourself and are you male or female? Have you or anyone close to you had experience of being a TOTALLY single parent? (meaning no father willing to face his responsibilities, not even once a year?)
Hi, i admit from reading your post that it is obviously tough and i don't doubt YOUR love committment and thoughtfulness for the care of your child. I wasn't for one second thinking that you do not have the best interests of your child but i did think your interests in contacting the father were that of a financial reason rather than the best for the child.
You have answered it yourself that he is pretty useless as a father and so would he not only just bring disapointment to your sons life as he would come back in to only leave again.
But yes i agree that he should share the financial costs of the child even if he is not in his life. But also i feel that to walk away emotionally is harsher than walking away financially.
In short, i am sorry if i upset you but you asked for opinions. I am, which may surprise you, female and this has happened to plenty of my friends. My godson's father disappeared when he was 8 months old and resurfaced 18months ago, when the child was 9.5yrs. He has brought disappointment as he arranges to come round and doesnt show, promises to take him to the cinema and doesn't turn up etc. he is a joke of a father and my friend is totally alone.
You have answered it yourself that he is pretty useless as a father and so would he not only just bring disapointment to your sons life as he would come back in to only leave again.
But yes i agree that he should share the financial costs of the child even if he is not in his life. But also i feel that to walk away emotionally is harsher than walking away financially.
In short, i am sorry if i upset you but you asked for opinions. I am, which may surprise you, female and this has happened to plenty of my friends. My godson's father disappeared when he was 8 months old and resurfaced 18months ago, when the child was 9.5yrs. He has brought disappointment as he arranges to come round and doesnt show, promises to take him to the cinema and doesn't turn up etc. he is a joke of a father and my friend is totally alone.
Badgerchops, thanks for taking the time to reply.
Sorry to hear about your godsons relationship with his... father. He must get so disappointed. It's really unfair.
I agree with your statement, to walk away emotionally is harsher than to walk away financially. Completely. but, I wouldn't have to gain contact with him for upping the CSA money, i'd just contact them. So my incentive to contact him certainly isn't for the money!
In the meantime, whether the useless fool agrees to see his son or not, I don't see why he shouldn't pay up for the 18 years he is 'responsible' for him.
I don't know. I think I'm scared his answer will be as it was before... 'It's easier if I don't see him, but i'll write to him when he's 18.' I know deep down that I can't force him to see his own son but the CSA can force him to pay what is legally obliged. Maybe me thinking like this is my way of hanging on to the fact that somewhere, my son has a dad.
Sorry to hear about your godsons relationship with his... father. He must get so disappointed. It's really unfair.
I agree with your statement, to walk away emotionally is harsher than to walk away financially. Completely. but, I wouldn't have to gain contact with him for upping the CSA money, i'd just contact them. So my incentive to contact him certainly isn't for the money!
In the meantime, whether the useless fool agrees to see his son or not, I don't see why he shouldn't pay up for the 18 years he is 'responsible' for him.
I don't know. I think I'm scared his answer will be as it was before... 'It's easier if I don't see him, but i'll write to him when he's 18.' I know deep down that I can't force him to see his own son but the CSA can force him to pay what is legally obliged. Maybe me thinking like this is my way of hanging on to the fact that somewhere, my son has a dad.
It is difficult, i do sympathise.
Kids learn quick, which is a shame, if the absent parent is useless. My godson is now 11 and he knows that his father is inconsistent and is not to be relied on. It breaks your heart to see him waiting for his dad to pick him up. He once thought he was staying the night and got a little rucksack ready and sat at the window waiting. My friend called me round to help as he wouldnt move from the window as he was waiting.
He waited there 3 hours at aged 9 just waiitng for him to show, which he didnt.
It is heartbreaking to watch as the absent fathers become some sort of hero
My friend contacted the childs father when the kid was 8 and said 'would you like to start contact with him, come round for a cup of tea, or something so he knows your face. Then build it up. ' It took him 1.5yrs to come round for a cuppa.
Good luck, honestly, and just love your kid as you know best, giving him enough love for two.
Kids learn quick, which is a shame, if the absent parent is useless. My godson is now 11 and he knows that his father is inconsistent and is not to be relied on. It breaks your heart to see him waiting for his dad to pick him up. He once thought he was staying the night and got a little rucksack ready and sat at the window waiting. My friend called me round to help as he wouldnt move from the window as he was waiting.
He waited there 3 hours at aged 9 just waiitng for him to show, which he didnt.
It is heartbreaking to watch as the absent fathers become some sort of hero
My friend contacted the childs father when the kid was 8 and said 'would you like to start contact with him, come round for a cup of tea, or something so he knows your face. Then build it up. ' It took him 1.5yrs to come round for a cuppa.
Good luck, honestly, and just love your kid as you know best, giving him enough love for two.
That brought tears to my eyes. Your friend has obviously done a great job on her own. He obviously isn't used to being let down and that's why he waited so long at the window. He also has determination, or he wouldn't have waited so long. Bless his little heart.
I have just given my son a hug after his lunch and told him he was my best boy. He replied "And your my best Mummy." Hopefully all will come good and I can give him the confidence and strength to deal with his spineless father when the time comes.
Good luck to your friend too and anyone else struggling alone.
xx
I have just given my son a hug after his lunch and told him he was my best boy. He replied "And your my best Mummy." Hopefully all will come good and I can give him the confidence and strength to deal with his spineless father when the time comes.
Good luck to your friend too and anyone else struggling alone.
xx
I wouldn't bother trying to get this a*$*h*l* to be a proper father - your son deserves better.
I've been through all this with my daughter. My ex-partner didn't want to take on the responsibiliies that come with being a parent, he put his name on her birth certificate then did almost nothing else. Occasionally his conscience would prick him and he'd ask if she could stay with him at his mums for the weekend and I never refused. As long as she wanted to see him, I never tried to stop it. Years later I found out he used to send her to a friends place after a few hours and she'd be there with their daughter all weekend so he could go to the pub!! I only found this out when the friend recognised my daughter when we were out shopping and introduced herself!!
He would go through periods of not wanting any contact because he had a new girlfriend. He said he was coming to pick her up countless times and didn't bother coming. That broke my heart seeing her so disappointed. But
I still never stopped contact between them, I knew in the end she'd see him for what he is.
She's now 26 and doesn't have much time for him. She came to this conclusion for herself, with no input from me.
I'm sure this hurt her, although she's never said much about it.. I've always let her know how special she is to me and made sure she doesn't blame herself. He's the one with the problem not her.
So just be there for your son, one really good parent he can rely on no matter what will get him through. He'll be fine.
Just make sure he lonows the failing is with his father - not him.
I've been through all this with my daughter. My ex-partner didn't want to take on the responsibiliies that come with being a parent, he put his name on her birth certificate then did almost nothing else. Occasionally his conscience would prick him and he'd ask if she could stay with him at his mums for the weekend and I never refused. As long as she wanted to see him, I never tried to stop it. Years later I found out he used to send her to a friends place after a few hours and she'd be there with their daughter all weekend so he could go to the pub!! I only found this out when the friend recognised my daughter when we were out shopping and introduced herself!!
He would go through periods of not wanting any contact because he had a new girlfriend. He said he was coming to pick her up countless times and didn't bother coming. That broke my heart seeing her so disappointed. But
I still never stopped contact between them, I knew in the end she'd see him for what he is.
She's now 26 and doesn't have much time for him. She came to this conclusion for herself, with no input from me.
I'm sure this hurt her, although she's never said much about it.. I've always let her know how special she is to me and made sure she doesn't blame herself. He's the one with the problem not her.
So just be there for your son, one really good parent he can rely on no matter what will get him through. He'll be fine.
Just make sure he lonows the failing is with his father - not him.
I wouldn't bother trying to get this a*$*h*l* to be a proper father - your son deserves better.
I've been through all this with my daughter. My ex-partner didn't want to take on the responsibiliies that come with being a parent, he put his name on her birth certificate then did almost nothing else. Occasionally his conscience would prick him and he'd ask if she could stay with him at his mums for the weekend and I never refused. As long as she wanted to see him, I never tried to stop it. Years later I found out he used to send her to a friends place after a few hours and she'd be there with their daughter all weekend so he could go to the pub!! I only found this out when the friend recognised my daughter when we were out shopping and introduced herself!!
He would go through periods of not wanting any contact because he had a new girlfriend. He said he was coming to pick her up countless times and didn't bother coming. That broke my heart seeing her so disappointed. But
I still never stopped contact between them, I knew in the end she'd see him for what he is.
She's now 26 and doesn't have much time for him. She came to this conclusion for herself, with no negative input from me.
I'm sure this rejection hurt her, although she's never said much about it.. I've always let her know how special she is to me and made sure she doesn't blame herself. He's the one with the problem not her.
So just be there for your son, one really good parent he can rely on no matter what will get him through. He'll be fine.
Just make sure he knows the failing is with his father - not him.
I've been through all this with my daughter. My ex-partner didn't want to take on the responsibiliies that come with being a parent, he put his name on her birth certificate then did almost nothing else. Occasionally his conscience would prick him and he'd ask if she could stay with him at his mums for the weekend and I never refused. As long as she wanted to see him, I never tried to stop it. Years later I found out he used to send her to a friends place after a few hours and she'd be there with their daughter all weekend so he could go to the pub!! I only found this out when the friend recognised my daughter when we were out shopping and introduced herself!!
He would go through periods of not wanting any contact because he had a new girlfriend. He said he was coming to pick her up countless times and didn't bother coming. That broke my heart seeing her so disappointed. But
I still never stopped contact between them, I knew in the end she'd see him for what he is.
She's now 26 and doesn't have much time for him. She came to this conclusion for herself, with no negative input from me.
I'm sure this rejection hurt her, although she's never said much about it.. I've always let her know how special she is to me and made sure she doesn't blame herself. He's the one with the problem not her.
So just be there for your son, one really good parent he can rely on no matter what will get him through. He'll be fine.
Just make sure he knows the failing is with his father - not him.
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