Ending friendships

[idalovett]

If a friend really deeply offended you once too much and irrespective of how you felt about them, but they really went OTT and said things that you knew you could never forgive or forget and so in consequence you decided to remove them from your life � would you give them closure by telling them how much they had upset you and why you wanted no further contact, or would you simply pull the plug and not bother saying a word? I don't want an eye for an eye or the last word or to be vindictive or spiteful � but I wondered how a people drop a person/friendship when they know that enough really is enough and cannot condone, excuse or accept what has been said to them. Is it kinder to explain your reasons to your friend and then say goodbye to them or simply think to yourself a goodbye and break all contact immediately?

[~max~]

If you just give them the silent treatment, they might wonder what they've done wrong, and may even put the blame on you for being "touchy" or unreasonable. They will probably pester you as well. I've never had to do this myself, fortunately, but I think I would tell them what I think frankly, so they understand they have done wrong and have a chance to make things right, or at least realise that this behaviour is not acceptable and they don't make the same mistake with other people. It's much the same as breaking up with a boyfriend, really.

[snagged]

It may be 'kinder' to explain why you no longer want to see them, but sometimes people who have done wrong don't even 'deserve' that... give your reasons about why you no longer want to see them is if it helps 'you' in some way...

[noxlumos]

Unless they have falsely acused you of murder I can't really think of such a scenario. Friendships, if that's what they are, last for life and transcend who said what about whom.
It's up to you how you do it, but I wouldn't kid yourself that this person is your friend, you are clearly both just acquaintances or it wouldn't have come to this from either side.

[snagged]

A 'true' friend wouldn't do what your friend has done to you... like nox said - they are not a 'real' friend...

[ummmm]

Me.....I'd walk away without a word

[IggyB]

if you want to remove the person from your life then simply do that without explaining yourself to them, however if its really an apology you are after to to try and make this person feel bad as well then go and talk to her i guess.

in my opinion people these days seem to put too much stock in talking about all their problems and trying to find closure - if you've made the decision to not talk to her then its simple - don't talk to her e.g. make a decision and move forward don't agonize over it

[curlyfilm]

if they was a true friend they would never have said it, unless it was something for your benefit, but i doubt this was, just ignore them, easiest way all round

[johnlambert]

pull the plug
end of

[makemesmile]

Why this false assumption that a good friendship has to last for life? A good friendship is just that, whether it lasts for a few months, a few years or until the day you die. We learn and grow from encounters with others irrespective of how long or short they are.

idalovett, go with your heart. If this person has acted in the way you describe, then I think they'll know why you're no longer friendly towards them. Do what makes you feel better. If you need closure, then do it, if you don't, then don't.

[snagged]

Excellent first paragraph 'makemesmile'...

[curlyfilm]

i can honestly count my true friends on one hand, some i may not see for a while but are always there, due to my job i have lots of friends who come and go, but a while ago i thought about some old friends and realised that it was me who rang or saw them, so idecided not too, and funny enough they have not contacted me, seems like they were not friends in the first instance, just aquaintances

[noxlumos]

I don't think it is a "false assumption" makemesmile, I just think the word friendship gets bandied around way too much to encompass people who clearly don't really give a sh1t about each other. I reiterate that I think friendship proper should transcend most things and not be breakable by any old common happening. If it is or it peters out it's not a friendship but a passing acquaintance.

[makemesmile]

Everyone's entitled to their own opinion

[nat_84]

I've been in a similar situation myself recently and she flooded me with calls, hunted me down on the internet and even said she'll stand outside my house if thats what it takes to talk to me...so i sent her a message saying i have no interest in relighting any old friendship with her, said i'm happy with my life and dont want anyone to jeopardise it, and ended it by saying it's not sad, people move on and that's life...

In my case its a friend i havent seen for two years, who trying to get back in contact.

But if ur talking about a friend that you still see regulary i'd just let things die out and if she asks why the sudden silence - tell her your reasons.

[lorla]

I completely agree with makemesmile. Yes it would be nice if friendships were forever, but that's often not the case and that doesn't mean that friend wasn't a good friend in the first place, it just means it didn't last. Sometimes it's no ones fault.

I also agree that if what your friend did, really was that awful, they ought to know already why you're not talking to them.

Good luck!

[idalovett]

Thank you everyone. I've had this friend for six years but all my other friends I've known a lifetime and never been in the situation before to know how to handle things properly. I'll walk away with my head held high thanks to your advice here.

[littleone85]

I'm really sorry that you're having problems, I had a 'friend' who screwed me and my boyfriend about and still owes us almost �300, I explained to him why I was mad at him but only as I naively hoped that if he truly understood how angry and betrayed we felt it would give him a jolt to reality and realise how bad it had got for me to consider ending a 10 year friendship. He either didn't care or was too stoned to know what was going but either way it made sod all difference apart from making me more hurt that it had made no difference. I have cut him out of my life now and I feel much better for it, so Idalovett I would suggest that if you want to explain as a courtesy then fair enough, but if you want to explain in the hope it would make a change in their behaviour be prepared for them to throw your feelings back in your face. Either way you're better off without them

[joko]

i would tell them as you risk them coming back to 'try' again, thinking you'll calm down or get over it.

perhaps write a letter.

[jump79]

The kindest way would be to quietly distance yourself and communicate with them as little as possible (be polite when/if you bump into them, nothing more). If what they said was really as offensive as you say, they will get the message that you no longer want their friendship and leave you alone.

[lkn2cln]

Does this person notice that you have been hurt by what they have said?