why do men do this?

[nicnic]

I've recently been in a 2 year relationship with someone. It ended on Friday night when he emailed me simply to say 'I don't love you any more'. This was totally out of the blue because the previous day we were perfect, although our relationship was long distance, our long term plan was to be in the same city and live together. After asking for an explanation, he has decided that he is more in love with a girl he has known for 6 hours than he is with me. In my opinion, I think he is scared of commitment and this is simply a way out. But he has said we will never even speak again. I would like to be friends but he has asked me never to call him.

I am absolutely gutted. Can't stop crying, feeling depressed. It was just such a shock and I really felt so very close and like he was the one for me. Any ideas what he is thinking?

[sam_diamond]

nicnic, define Men- ar$eholes
obviously hes gone out and seen a pretty looking girl. and hes probably feeling a bit good in him self because hes got this girl , but you are right about commitment thing, 'most' men are scared of commitment, hey think of it this way you are single now and can have lots more fun, and one day he will realise just wat a silly narna he was to dump you,
can you do something to cheer you up? maybe have your hair/nails done, and then the next time he sees you hel think what i have i give up!
cant you tell iv been through this before hehe
hope you ok babe xxx

[andy-hughes]

I am so sorry to read that you have been treated so badly.

Men are notoriously bad at working at their relationships. Some men just like an easy liffe, and walk away if something 'better' appears to be within reach. I don;t know your partner, so i can't possibly comment.

What does seem to be the case is that he is taking an easy way out by simply cutting off all contact with you. If you are not 'there', he doesn;t have to deal with his feelings for you, and more importantly, his guilt at being so cruel - and his action is based on guilt i assure you.

It may be possible to be friends eventually, but you need an interval of time for the basis of your relationship to shift - that won;t simply happen in days, or even weeks, for either of you.

He may have simply had a panic attack, and tranlsated the 'messy' feeling of dealing with it into something he can simply jetison from his life, and 'start again' with someone new - no complications, all the fun of getting to know a new person.

It may be that he will calm down, realise his priorities, or at least that he must deal with his relationship with you, he can't simply drop it and walk away like a child with a broken toy.

Use the time to work out if you want him back, and take a long time to think about it. Beware of welcoming him back simply because it feels safe and 'secure' to take him back.

Don't make any imediate decisions bout anything. Give yourslelf time to heal and think about what YOU want.

[Champagne]

I wish there was a straightforward answer to this question but unfortunately there isn't. The truth is that he has been contemplating ending your relationship for some time, but has let it roll on and on without ever telling you how he truly feels. Now that he has conveniently met somebody else it makes it easier on him to end with you because now he can go running into another woman's arms and not have to suffer feeling lonely. You, on the other hand are left feeling alone, gutted, rejected and ultimately shocked that this could happen without you ever suspecting. I really do feel for you though, as it happened to me only a short while ago. There is no quick-fix solution to your unhappiness right now, but you must do your best to keep your chin up. This man is a shallow, callous wimp who didn't treat you with the respect you deserved. You really do deserve better. And don't worry, he will get his comeuppance. They always do. xxx

[Miss Inquiry]

Oh Nicnic my heart goes out to you. Right now try not to think about what he is thinking and concentrate on yourself.
He has been really harsh saying never contact him again, which makes me think you need to try and pick yourself up again and totally forget him. If someone can do this to you, they are obviously not the caring person you thought they were, we don't hurt the ones we love!! It's also an incredibly cowardly thing to do via e-mail, he obviously knows this.

Surround yourself with friends, keep yourself busy, go to the gym and make sure you delete his number from your phone, so you can't send him text messages or call him when your feeling low! It's far to easy to do....

[bounceagain]

Im so sorry. He doesnt sound a nice bloke doing that if you were cities away or miles and miles away, he shouldnt of ended it the way he did. He has no back bone. take care x

[warpig1]

nicnic, he has behaved in a very cruel and immature way, please bear this in mind if he should contact you or you consider contacting him. He has not allowed you any closure on your relationship which I find pathetic and disgusting. It is up to you how you decide to deal with it but his behaviour, to me, is unforgiveable whatever the reasons. Be strong and as 'Bounceagain's' name implies, bounce back again, but give yourself time and be good to yourself.

Take care
warpig1

[snagged]

If he cannot be bothered to expand in a more mature and intelligent way his reasons for his decision after two years together, he is not giving you the respect you deserve... he needs a good kick in the pants...

... You are obviously too good for him nicnic... it is his loss... and he will see that when it is too late...

Easy to say but you need to move on... your good friends and family will hopefully be there to help you do that...

Good luck ;o)

[Scarlett]

Seems like you have been saved from wasting anymore time with this spineless excuse for a man.
Don't cry any more- he was obviously feeling pressurised, and must have been for a while, but was too spiney to speak his mind- so he tells you by EMAIL!! let him get on with it with this other girl. You need to move on.

[indieanna86]

Hey there hun, I feel for you. I went through a similar situation at the end of last year. The only thing any of us can say really is that he is a coward of a man, doesn't want to have to deal with a proper break up (men and emotions don't mix!) and really doesn't deserve a decent girl like you.

I know that you feel horrible and low right now and its very easy for others to say you'll heal in time but its the truth. Give it a few weeks, go out for a lovely dinner with your friends or family, don't contact him, have as much fun as possible and you'll notice that you think about it less and less as the days go on!

Chin up and keep smiling xxx

[johnlambert]

he doesnt deserve you nic
move on
xx

[porfavour]

Big hug from me.

I also know the feeling, it's not nice. Sadly there is no quick fix or solution to help you right now.
Think positively, as all the other ABers have told you, he wasn't good enough for you.

Direct your anger and energy onto paper, tuck it in somewhere with the Christmas decorations.

Then write out a years worth of goals for yourself....
ie. January - start new hobby or sport
February - learn a new language
March - paint or make a picture for yourself

Do all the things you would have done if you had not been seeing him. Anything he didn't like (rugby, chinese food, etc) go and try them, safely knowing it would pee him off. The self satisfaction is great.

Let him worry about what you are doing or thinking, so make sure it is something good!
Hopefully, by next Christmas, when you find your letter, you can read it and smile as he will be a distant memory.

Another Big Hug.

[bounceagain]

porfavour - hehe I want you to answer my personal question if I go thru a break up, cos your answer would help me.

[nicnic]

Thank you everyone for your responses. It is good to know that there are people out there who have been through similar or simply are able to offer advice.

For now, I think that I simply have to 'get over it'. Easier said than done, but it's true. He has given me no choice. I haven't contacted him since yesterday and his last email was yesterday morning, I have to respect his wishes as much as it hurts.

The only contact I will have with him now is sending back some train tickets he gave me to visit him in February, he asked for those back. But I'm in no huge hurry to do so and I'm in 2 minds whether to write him a letter, or just to do the total opposite and write nothing at all.

Some times are harder than others, like the times in the day i would call him etc, but I'm sure in time I'll cope with it better. And thanks for people's nice words. They mean a lot x

[andy-hughes]

Return the tickets intact with no letter.

You are not petty enough to rip them up, and you have dignity enough not to wish to communicate.

That final action will tell him what you need to tell him - he is out of your life.

Then you can move on.