is it cruel or justified?

[muppeteer]

my mum has always been quite 'anti fat'. she has always made coments about my weight wether ive been size 14/16/18. she has told me today she feels ashamed to be seen out with me. am i right to be upset or should i stop feeling sorry for myself?
i accept she is worried for my health, but she crushes my confidence & self esteem with these comments leading to more comfort eating.
please be honest- should i get over myself or be angry- i just dont know anymore.

[dummkopf]

I can't believe your mother said she was ashamed to be out with you , she's obviously worried about your health BUT pulling you down is not the right way to go about it !
Has she tried to help you with dieting ?

[Bev2007]

I dont think this is about your health at all (you imply in your opening comment its a general view of hers). Your mum sounds like she is heartless, unimaginative and shallow and you might point out to her that as your parent she has an important role to play in your self-esteem and belittling you and making you feel like some kind of freak is unhelpful.

Having said all that -which I absolutely believe - you need to decide if you are happy with your weight. If you are, be pround and to hell with 'them'. If you arent, you need to find the right way to lose some. Its not all Fat Fighters and ryvita you know, try salsa dancing!!!!!!!!!!!

[muppeteer]

thanks for your answers- she also said my bf isnt helping as he wants me to be unattractive so no other men will fancy me. another blow, but is this likely?

[dontask]

ask her if she would like to go out for a big meal and have a chat about why she is being so nasty cos you are big . just tell her you cant help it if your on the large side

[whiffey]

I think you are all overlooking the fact that I am LEAVING AB at 10pm. Why all this tissue-talk ? Damn it there is a soul dying (i.e. mine, <<points>>) and you have to traf on about other stuff.

[dontask]

whiffey you was leaving at 8 a while ago shut the door on your way out bye bye see you next tuesday (c u n t )

[muppeteer]

sorry wiffy- did not mean to intrude. will try to be more sensetive in future.

[whiffey]

Oh spare me your grief. It is now 9.16pm and may well be 9.17pm by the time I have finished typing this. I am leaving at 10pm within the usual precision. What is the problem ? Can't you cope with a LONG-TIME LOYAL MEMBER leaving because of all the crap posted on here ?

[whiffey]

Well it turns out that it was 20:21

Let that be a lesson to us all.

[muppeteer]

i asked the queston as i wanted some advice. is this not what ab is for? - never mind- i will think twice befor posting anything meaningful in future

[enigma]

Hi Muppeteer. When you say that your mum has always been 'anti fat' , am I correct in assuming then that your mum has a figure to die for ? Lucky her if she has but she is doing little for your self esteem by dishing out crushing comments. Have you told her how upset it makes you when she passes comment in this manner ? Perhaps she feels that her comments are designed to give you a kick up the backside and will motivate you to lose any excess weight , not realising that instead of benefiting you , her comments are quite soul destroying. My dad really crushed me a while back when he said to me "I used to have such high hopes for you but it seems that all you're good for these days is churning out babies." It was apparently meant to give me the kick up the backside I needed to pick up my studies again. I did (not for my dad's sake , for my own) but I was devastated by that comment and felt so worthless. So much so that I blurted out my anger and distaste at that comment months later , much to my dad's horror. He hadn't realised how much he had hurt me and was genuinely upset at having hurt me so much. Perhaps your mother doesn't realise how much her comments hurt you and that far from assisting your weight loss , it is making you comfort eat.



Are you trying to go solo in losing weight ? Perhaps you would benefit from joining a slimming club in your area where you could get proper nutritional advice and regular weigh ins. It takes a long time to put on a lot of weight so obviously it takes time to take it off again. Just go at your own pace and work towards realistic goals. It's better to work towards smaller goals rather than thinking in terms of stones you want to shift. Aim for a few pounds at a time and see how you go. Exercise is important too. If the gym is not for you , then go out for walks. Nice and easy to start with and then you can gradually increase your speed until you feel able to go jogging and/or running.

[enigma]

Oh and I personally think that your mother was very cruel to suggest that your boyfriend wants to keep you 'fat' so that other men won't look at you. Has it not occured to her that he may just genuinely love you for who you are , not how you look ? He is with you because he loves you , not your dress size. Take comfort in the knowledge that your boyfriend loves you and let what your mother says go in one ear and out the other.

Anyway , good luck and no matter what , chin up and be happy , you have a man who loves you x

[muppeteer]

thanks enigma. i have told her loads of times that what she says is hurtful & she just says 'i dont care- its the truth'
bit of a jade goody now i think about it.
anyway thanks a lot & goodnight.

[enigma]

I wonder how good your mum would be at hearing a few home truths about herself though. I'm inclined to think that she's happy enough to dish it out but wouldn't take it back very well. It's quite sad that she should treat her own flesh and blood in such a cruel way. As I said though , your boyfriend is with you because he loves you , regardless of your dress size , so don't let your mum put the seed of doubt in your mind to let it poison your relationship. If you are unhappy with your weight then lose the extra pounds by all means but do it for yourself , not your mum's. Take care x

[society]

tell your mum she made you and give you her fat genes.
don't show her you are upset, just tell her you are not the first fat person and will not be the last fat person. and ask her why she starve herself so much to fit in today's society and you are happy to be who you are.

[Mammar]

First of all - ignore whiffey - he's does go off on one sometimes.
Of course you can post serious posts on here and there will always be sensible people like caz bev and enigma to answer you properly.
I don't need to repeat what they've said as it was all good but just want to add one thing.
The fact that your Mum has been insensitive and rude to her own daughter says more about her than it says about you. Live life to your own standards, not hers.
And remember to love yourself. When you do you'll no longer need to comfort eat.
x x x x

[maggie01]

I think it is a bit heartless of your mum to say she feels ashamed to go out with you. Could she do with losing a bit of weight herself. If so, perhaps you could do it together but only if that is what you want. If you try to lose the weight for someone else, it won't happen. It has to be for you.