Strange guy

[Roughquest]

I have been seeing a guy on and off for a while now, and I like him very much, when we are together its great, he is very charming, gentle etc etc...but when we end up back at his place he clams up - he wont touch me, or show any affection, and this i am finding very hard to deal with, its the same if he comes to my place also, and after we have spent an evening together, I wont here from him for days at a time, unless i make contact...what is going on with him....? I have tried talking with him, he isnt married...but I feel I cant get to know him or get close enough and its beginning to hurt now...he says i am confusing !

[grumpii]

Is he gay?

[redhead23]

rough , you have been seeing him on and off you say , are u sure he wants a relationship , could he be gay ? mabye he is just nervous how old is he mabye he has no experience with women?

[shineybomb]

I was thinking the same thing, maybe he is inexperienced/possibly still a v!rgin?

[Roughquest]

He isnt gay, and he is very exprienced ! He is 5 years older than me.....he has had a very bad relationship with his last g/f that ended badly and he has been scarred badly, but I he has opened up to me enough to tell me all this and I have kept an open mind, I make my own mind up about people and try not to judge, when we are out in public he always holds my hand, kisses me and touches me without any hesitation ! Maybe he needs time...I just dont know...

[redhead23]

very experienced!!! well you just said you will make your own mind up you asked for advice and we have given just talk to him , only he knows why mabye you are too full on perhaps >

[grumpii]

Maybee his confidence has been dented, he may be jurt scared of getting into a relationship again. (check your personal hygiene ;) )

[Roughquest]

FFS grumpii - this is a serious question please dont mock.
Redhead, if anything he is being full on when we are out...not the other way around...but as soon as we are away from 'neutral ground' he is shy/quiet/scared.......

[Roughquest]

Where is Sasha when you need her, or Ummmm, or Megan or Ratter...come back friends !

[PinkFizz]

Have you tried sitting him down when he next comes to yours, nice relaxing glass of wine, and calmly asking him exactly what you have told us - why is he so affectionate in public but when you have the time to be alone he goes all cold? Don't get cross, just wait to see what he says?

[grumpii]

Sorry Roughquest, I gave you two serious answers, my bracketed one was only to try and bring a smile to your face :(

[Roughquest]

Oh Pinkfizz, yes I am always very calm around him, (he has a very calming influence on me) he told me that he doesnt know what I want, when he does as I have explained to him - he ingests what I have said yet still acts 'strange'

Dear Grumpii, ok you are forgiven....thanks for the smile (I think).

[curlyfilm]

i think you answered your own question, he is shy..
its ok, being out, you can relax, but when your together with no one else, its very intimate, in a social sense, and his shyness probably takes over, as for the not contacting, its a bit strange, but he may feel like he does not want too seem too overbearing, some people just dont make contact unless they are contacted first, if he was just after you for sex, it would probably be the other way round
just get very drunk together, that normally helps loose inhabitions

[red~bez]

Hiya RQ x

It could be as you say, he's quiet/shy/scared.....he's been hurt once before and from the sounds of things he's a little bit hesitant to take things any further .... Maybe for the time being, if you don't feel you can talk to him about how you feel you should just enjoy the relationship......I'm sure things will work themselves out. x

[PinkFizz]

Well tell him that you aren't expecting anything - its just a little confusing when he acts so differently. How exactly did you meet him?

[Roughquest]

I met him on a dating site, its a small world too as my friends husband used to work with him a few years ago ! I have talked to them about him and they know him better than i do and say he is a really lovely, nice guy who wouldnt hurt a fly....but I am finding it very difficult to cope with being all 'affectionate' with him one minute and 'cold' the next....

[redhead23]

come back friends how rude

[PinkFizz]

It does sound a little strange I must admit.

[peppy]

It sounds to me like he has big issues with the physical side of relationships. Sounds obvious, I know but if you really want a future with this bloke, you have to try and GENTLY coax out of him what's wrong.
It could be a deep-rooted emotion left over from his childhood ( maybe his parents were too controlling and had a ' thing ' about sex )
I know a woman who spent her childhood years listening to her older sister being shouted at and beaten for just holding hands with her boyfriend, and now has problems with sex, and letting go in general.
Just try and stay approachable, if he feels he can talk to you the battle's almost won.
Good luck x x

[RATTER15]

Hi Roughquest, Shortly after I separated from my wife I behaved in exactly this way, when it came down to the nitty gritty I just wasn't interested, the more she came on to me the more it turned me off!! It sounds like he needs time, try a little romance, maybe a nice massage (non sexual) and try talking about why he thinks you are confusing, that bit sounds a little strange to me, are you maybe subconsciously pulling away from him or is he getting the impression somehow that you are not interested.

See how it goes for while, it sounds like he may have issues of his own.

Good luck!!

[RATTER15]

Hey Roughquest, witch Cockington, the Devon one? I spent many a misspent evening of my youth in The Drum at Cockington drinking triple vintage cider , usually accompanied by a young lady I shouldn't have been with, very quiet and out the way lol!! but, that was before I ever got married, I'm a good boy now :-)