Lung Cancer & Feeling uselsss...

[nat_84]

My boyfriend found out yesterday that his unle has lung cancer. It was a really difficult evening last night and i feel emotionally drained.

Neither my boyfriend or i know much (if anything!?) about it or what happens next. Apparently they won't be able to cure it but possibly slow it down...?!

Can anybody tell me any more about it? or what he might have to go through?

I feel useless towards my boyfriend and i think he feels useless towards his family - cousins in particular. Cancer is the sort of thing where you just dont know what to say other than to try and remain positive!

He's uncles only early 40s and like all of his uncles they are very close to thier nephew (my boyfriend) as he lost his dad when he was only 8 - so they were the male role models in his life.

I think its the hardest thing is seeing a grown man cry and all i want to do is say everything will be alright... but feel as though i'm lying when i say that!!

Appreciate any advice reagarding lung cancer and anyone that's been through a similar situation.

Thanks x

[cyanide]

I don`t have any experience of dealing with lung cancer,my mum died of brain cancer 4 years ago and we were given the same information in that they could slow it down,after a while though she was fed up and all but stopped her treatment,she then went into a coma and never woke from it.I know its not much comfort and that you don`t know me personally but rather than say nothing to you i`d like to express my sympathy to you and your boyfriend.

[dee5]

My Grandad had lung cancer and like your boyfriend I was very very close to him.
Do you know at what stage it is as that depends a lot on the treatment and also if he wants treatment?
Ask me any questions you want and I will answer them as best i can.
xx

[nat_84]

cyanide and dee - extremely sorry to hear about your families experience with cancer. Its such a terrible thing - probably the worst thing in the world - because the fact is they dont have a cure - so your almost lost in terms of words of support.

The cause of his cancer is linked with asbestos. He has worked in garages for a long part of his life and was told that was probably why this has happened...? He has never smoked!

[dee5]

My grandad had never smoked and he ran marathons and he was as fit as a fiddle until he got vertigo and fell off the roof. When he was taken to hospital he had a chest xray to see if he had broken anything, luckily he hadnt but thats when they found the cancer. It was pretty far advanced. He had some chemo and that but it wasnt working so he chose not to continue treatment. Does your boyfriends uncle have any small children? If he does make sure they dont feel like its their fault, kids think in very funny ways. My little brother was with my grandad when he found out he had cancer and he was there when he died and he thought he had killed his grandad coz he was naughty the day grandad fell off the roof. He was only 8 at the time and he didnt cope well at all and he had to have couselling.

[fayelc123]

Hi Nat, so sorry to hear that.
My brother works with Asbestos & i worry so much!
My nan has lung cancer & has been told that they can't cure it either, just slow it down. I don't really know what advice to give you, i'm sure your being a great support to him just by being there for him, i just wanted to express my sympathy too. x

[nat_84]

Thats terribly sad about your grandad. My boyfriend was so upset - asking why such bad things happen to such good people. His uncle is extremely hard working, coming from a very poor family to eventually owning his very own succesful seat belt company. He has quite a few kids - i couldnt even tell you how many - but i know the oldest is about 24 and i believe his youngest is about 6. I'll definitely tell my boyfriend about young ones blaming themselves - kids tend to do that with most troublesome occasions - parents splitting up, arguments, illness - its just a lack of understanding.

Luckily *touch wood* i have never had to deal with anything as traumatic as cancer. I believe i lost both my grandads to cancer as they were heavy smokers -but was a baby at the time and i think one passed before i was even born. The closest i've came to it was when my mum lost her best friend to cancer.

I think the reason i find it so hard is because my own father totally abuses his body with drink, drugs, smoking etc yet he is healthy.... my dad says some horrible things without thinking and we've had a very on/off relationship. For example, yesterday whilst on the phone to my mum discussing whether me and my boyfriend had chosen a name for our baby i said i was definitely giving her my boyfriends last name (because i believe baby's should carry their fathers surname and almost in honour of his dad who as i mentioned passed away at a very young age). I heard my dad in the background say "i want nothing to do with her if she's having his name!". Naturally i hung up, whether he was joking or being serious i dont know and will talk to him today and found out exactly what he meant. I thought it was particulary disrespectful towards my boyfriend.

.....

[nat_84]

I just feel upset because he's obviously got so many problems of his own, what with losing his dad, now his uncles got cancer and the last thing he needs is my dad giving him a hard time!! I cant contorl my dad though, especially when he's drinking - my mum says he's jealous of him as he's grown very close to my family.

I dunno.. i'm just confused and feel the guilt my dad should feel when he says some of the things he does!

[dee5]

Dont fell guilty for your dad he is his own person and im sure your boyfriend will understand.
My boyfriend was my rock when we found out my grandad had cancer. I was in the park when my mum rung to tell me the results (my grandparents lived in Ireland and mum was there on holiday) and i just dropped the phone. He totally calmed me down and just stood by me and was there for me if i needed to talk or cry or scream at him for no reason. He was also the one who had to tell me my grandad had died as i rung my mum to see if everything was ok and my little brother answered and was crying and i couldnt understand him so he took the phone and my cousin told him and he told me and i really dont remember much after that. Just crying and sleeping. Sorry for waffling but i havent really spoken about it since it happened. So what im trying to say is just be there for him and he might be feelling like crap and start taking it out on you but just realise that he is trying to cope with something huge and its not easy!!

[nat_84]

Thanks dee (and everyone else!) for sharing your experiences with me! And i'm not joking when i say it really does help. I know its only an online questions and answers place but its the best place to come when you need some advice and support from people that you dont know on a personal level and also an opportunity to get everything off your chest and off load your mind of all its emotions! i felt so riled up and depressed this morning and after hearing all your stories etc i just feel a massive cloud has moved from over my head.

No doubt this whole thing is going to be an extremely difficult time for my boyfriend and his family especially with our baby due in July and his sisters in June - the year is going to be an emotional rollercoaster!! Like you said, all i can do is be there for him as much as i can and try and get him to remain positive.

[shaneystar2]

Hi nat
My dad died from asbestos related lung cancer .Mind you this was over thirty years ago ..They removed his left lung when he was diagnosed which gave him five years . They can do so much more now in the way of treatment so don't give up hope .
I am sorry to hear this sad news .I thought they had got rid of asbestos in the work place and that if there was a health hazard protective clothing should be provided.
His dependents may have a claim so look into that . We did at the time and my Dad was awarded industrial injury compensation and my mother received a pension in view of this until she died.
All I can say is support your partner and I am sure once the baby is born your dad will have a change of heart.You have nothing to feel guilty for .Look after yourself and the baby.

[nat_84]

Thanks very much shaneystar and i'm sorry to hear about your dad. I just did a google of asbestos lung cancer and read that it affects people 20,30 years down the line. As for his previous workplaces i'm not too sure as he works for himself now! But will ask my fella about it. Still a lot of questions to be answered and procedures to go through. As you said times have moved on and they are doing a lot more to prevent cancer.

I appreciate your sympathy and kind words xxx

[dee5]

Write down any questions you want to ask so you dont forget. Guaranteed as soon as you have the chance to ask they have gone out of your head and you will remember them when you have left!!

[nat_84]

Thanks dee! Thats really sweet. I'll tell my boyfriend that too - as he knows i come on here regulary. Once we know more i'm sure we'll be asking loads of questions!!! xxx

[curlyperm]

Hi Nat, fortunately dont have any experience of what you and your boyfriend are going through, but you have always sounded like a lovely person and i have been following your 'pregnancy' news like lots of others, how sad to hear your situation now though, and everyone elses past losses, i merely wanted to say i hope you both are strong enough to get through this although it wont be easy, i am sure you can be there for each other, i will be thinking of you x also i would put whatever your Dad says to theback of your mind, and concentrate on whats really important

[nat_84]

Thanks so much curlyperm thats very sweet of you to say - and ur right about what my dad said. Its just a case of 'think before you speak 'with him.xxx

[Skreecheeboy]

Sorry to hear that Nat. I lost my Grandad a couple of years ago to cancer and my dad gret quite a bit then which was kind of weird but at least with cancer you get a chance to say goodbye, I mean the guys not dead yet, cherish the time you have left with him.

[yinyang]

Hi nat. Just wanted to add my support to you and your family. It is a horrible thing you're going through and my thoughts and best wishes are with you al.
Unfortunately my family is going through this with my dad and my grandfather. - not lung cancer though. Papa is in a hospice and dad is about to start chemo to try to slow down the spread of the disease. His treatment has been delayed because he also developed a blood clot in his lung.
Feeling useless is one of the worst parts. there is nothing I can do for my papa or dad and I can't tell my mum or gran that things will be ok because , quite honestly, they won't.All we can say to each other is that we'll get through this and that we're there for each other.
If your boyfriend reacts anything like I have to this news, the best advice I can give you is just bear with him and let him act however he needs to. I can wake up feeling positive, but by lunchtime be slumped on the sofa crying and a couple of hours later be in a screaming rage. Not easy on the poor husband but he's been brilliant.
When your baby comes it will still be a very happpy time and a reminder to all that family carries on and there is still much joy in the world. She will help give you and your boyfriend a new and positive focus so don't feel guilty about your happiness although it may feel double edged.
You're not alone in this . The good people of AB will always be here if you need us. Take care. x

[Baby Jane]

nat
I was gutted to hear his test was positive. I had prayed for him last night. I can understand what you and your boyfriend are going through, bless you both. You know you are not alone sweetheart. Just as you were there for me I am here for you. My mum's doctor told her how advanced cancer treatment has become these past couple of years and how many more lives are being saved daily. I do hope they can help him just as they are doing with mum and her lung tumour. Please let me know how he is doing and you take care of yourself and your boy friend.

Lots of love and hope to you

[nat_84]

Thanks ever so much Baby Jane. I hope that the docs can be as successful as they have been with your dear mum. It certainly gives me hope and i told Karl about your mums story yesterday evening which i believe made him realise that this doesn't mean the end!! I'll do my best to keep him motivated and busy - as its obvious that when he has time to think it does overtime and thats when you start thinking the worst!

I'll keep you informed on the whole situation - Thanks very much and once again i wish your mum a speedy recovery xxx

[Baby Jane]

nat

Thought about you all over the weekend. I went to church service on Sunday, it was a morning of prayer for cancer suffers and family. I said a prayer for uncle. Hope you and Karl are coping and give baby a "tummy pat" from me.
speak to you soon

lol
xxx