How do I cope?

[Tara999]

Hi,

My new b/f is fantastic, I love him so very much, BUT he is facing a tough time presently, his father is very ill, he is leaning on me for support, which I have said I will be there for him, but wanted some 'me' time tonight, now he has accused me of being selfish. I have been independent for so long and its taking me time to adjust to being in a relationship now, I still need some space, I have tried to explain this to him but he sees it as I dont like him anymore, what can I do, I know he needs me especially during this bad time. I dont know what I can do to support him further.

[Tara999]

Anyone with any advice on this please ?

[Le Chat]

Sorry to hear that your boyfriend's father is ill Tara. You are absolutely right in wanting time to yourself and you are absolutely entitled to it. You can still be supportive without having to be attatched to him like a leech and he should understand this. I accept that this is not a pleasant time for him but really, I wonder if you are just being introduced to a part of his personality that you may not have seen before. I notice that he is your new boyfriend, so perhaps he is a controlling and/or jealous personality and it is just coming to the forefront now.
Stand firm....you need your space and it is he who is being selfish in trying to deny you of it.
There isn't really much else you can do to support him furthur. Support is about having a partner who is a soft place to fall when times are bad and by token of the fact that you have posted your question on AB and from what you have said, then you are doing a great job and he is very lucky to have you.
K

[bigmamma]

Hi Tara love :-) I really don't know how to advise you on this matter but had to answer you to tell you that we are not ignoring you , just finding it hard . Your bf obviously is leaning heavily on you needing a lot of support to cope with his father being sick and as he is delicate at the moment he will see any distance from you as rejection. Has he got relatives such as siblings or his mother he can turn to , maybe he is closer to you for support because he feels you are detached from feelings for his father.
I can see you will either have to ride this out with him , or tell him kindly that his needs are beyond you at present. x

[Tara999]

HI Bigmamma, Yes he has siblings to lean on although he is the eldest of them all, which is a strain as he has to be strong for all of them now. He cried so much to me last night, I felt rather drained today and I am currently having some wine and a relaxing evening in alone, some ME time, its just so nice , even though I am missing him like mad and I do love him, time apart is sometimes healthy.

[bigmamma]

You enjoy your wine and your time for yourself love while you can . All the best . :-) xx

[society]

You're not his mother. What would he have done if you weren't in his life? He needs to stop leaning on you so bloody much and try to stand on his own two feet; I hope he has some.

Don't start giving him bad habits and don't let him try to control or manipulate you using his father illnesses.

[Tara999]

Regerttably his father is dying, and I feel so guilty for what he said to me today, he was saying I was being selfish as he needs me now more then ever as its such a difficult time indeed, but I have stayed strong and told hiim to phone me if he needs me and that i am still staying in on my own and sleeping in my own bed alone, I have not thought of me for a long while now and I was beginning to think I had been transported from my own body and living someone else's life...scary.