passing on

[tattoo1094]

reading a couple of the questions its just brought home to me the pain that i am going to have to endure shortly (maybe this year or next if hes lucky) my father has terminal cancer , non hodgkins lymphoma.
He is desperately trying to take the R.A.F to court at the moment because he was present when the bombs went off and that has been the cause of the cancer.
I was wondering if i should help him with this or let him do this by himself , im worried the stress of it all is making him worse. I just want his last days to be happy and not have to worry about the rest of us.....

[Baby Jane]

Help him, do this together, share it with him. That way you will ease any stress and Im sure it will fill time in for him too. Look after your self also.
Take care and my thoughts are with you and your dear dad.

[tattoo1094]

Thankyou babyjane , have nt thought about it until i read a couple of posts..........funny how some things get you going .

[Psychick]

Think of it more as your dad is reaching for that one last goal......taking the RAF to court. Maybe not the best goal but one he has chosen anyway. I would say it is probably helping him to keep fighting right now. Ask him if he would like your help with this. Even if he says no at first, just let him know the offer is always open and that you are always there for him.

Best wishes to both of you.

[johnlambert]

my deepest sympathy tattoo,
I think you should help him, however if I can offer some advice? your Dad should be taking the MOD to court, not the RAF

[yinyang]

What a lot of sadness there seems to be about today.
The posts have shaken me too, tattoo, because my Dad is also terminally ill . Reading other posts have made me realise how unprepared I am to deal with the inevitable. Don't know when it's going to happen but we've already had a couple of scares and I'm just not ready to lose him.
Help your dad - it will keep you both occupied and give you a chance to spend time together with a purpose. If this is preying on his mind then helping him resolve it will give him more peace and when his time does come he will be satified that he has taken care of everything he felt he needed to.
Look after yourself. I'm not a great one for prayers but i will be thinking of you and your dad now and send you both my very best wishes.
Yinyang.x

[tattoo1094]

explain johnlambert , it would be beneficial for me to know everything i can, my father is a very proud man and still wont tell me an awful lot, not sure if its to keep me from hurting or because alot of it is still on the sercrets act .
And your right psychick he is doing this to keep himself going............you know he is only 68 still a puppy really

[tattoo1094]

Thankyou yinyang, AB is a funny place most of the time its full of laughter and humorous banter, but today, well, i think there are alot of people with alot of pain, ill be thinking of you too x x x

[johnlambert]

The RAF didn't choose to go to Christmas Islands where the tests were carried out in the 1950's, the ministry of defence, (then called the War Office) decreed that they go there. Your father, I take it he was a National Serviceman, likewise was sent there and did not have a choice, or if he did, they made it all sound very safe, and` did not fully explain the side effects known at that time. Anyway, I digress, it was the War Office/Mininstry of Defence who werre responsible for sending your Dad there.

[tattoo1094]

Thankyou john, dont know if its going to make any difference 'David and Goliath' kind of springs to mind.
But thanks again for your suggestions : )

[johnlambert]

Good luck tattoo,
I really really hope you and your Dad enjoy what time you both have left together and that his passing is peaceful + relativly painless, I was there when a relative passed away from the same thing, and it was just as if he fell asleep, it was sad yet beautiful at the same time, being a medic, I know that the hearing is the last thing to go, it makes it less traumatic for everyone especialy the person passing on if they can hear loved ones saying goodbye as they are slipping away.
God bless
Xx

[888sally888]

Hi Tattoo

My dad died from lung cancer 3 and a bit years ago and i miss him terribly. Its such a hard time for you as you are obviously extremely close to your dad as I was to mine.

I would support him through this as much as you can - any time shared will be so precious to you to look back on.

My dad spent his last 10 days in hospital and it brought me so much comfort that we could chat about everything and anything. We joked, were sad - all the emotions. I am glad neither of us ignored the fact that he was near dying - although it was awful I am glad we faced it together.

I still miss dad every day without fail but have good memeories now of him happy and alive than in hospital dying. And I am convinced he sends me songs through Magic FM?!

I wish you the best of luck with your dad x

[tattoo1094]

oh john, im so sad, because he is so deaf,and its hard for him he must feel so alone.... he has had his thyroid out and spleen, he is in last stages now, and even when i know all this i find it so hard to tell him how much i love him.
We were not a close family (hugs and kisses and all that)
Very strict but he has mellowed so much.He must feel so isolated not being able to hear properly,my mother takes the **** out of him cos he rambles on about something completely different to what she was talking about but i know thats her way of dealing with it.So much sadness but nobody is prepared to sit down and talk about it, its like it doesnt exsist,although we know its there.
Sorry , ramble over ,need to get this off my chest otherwise ill be no good for anything. x

[johnlambert]

At the end, be next to him and hold his hand, he'll know its you

[yinyang]

Our family is much the same, tatto. I'm very close to my mum and dad but not in a huugy kissy way and after the initail diagnonsis we've not really talked about what is going to happen. It's just the way our family deals with stuff and I'm not sure that 'forcing the issue' is going to help. I know my mum and dad have talked about it together and I talk to my husband when I need to but we're just all quiet people. Despite this I have never doubted the amount of love and support we have for each other.
I think what John says about the hearing is true. When my grandfather died 6 weeks ago we were all round his bed ( he had been sleeping/unconscious all day ) and gra was holding his hand. At one point she was crying and said' he doesn't even know we're all here with him'. As soon as she said that she felt her hand being squeezed very gently. It made it easier to say our goodbyes believing that he could hear us and knew we were there.
No two families will deal with this in the same way, there is no right or wrong way. I'm sure your dad knows how you feel.

[tattoo1094]

I hope so yinyang x

[raysparx1]

Hi tattoo, Please help your dad, but the main thing I want to say is talk to him, tell him how you feel, cry with him laugh with with him, but don't let him go without you saying what you feel, once somebody has gone it is to late to say the things we wanted to, meant to, but never did, take it from one who knows, talk !! Ray xx

[tattoo1094]

ray , i know exactly what your saying but im scared that when i start talking to him ill start blubbering and i dont want to worry him any more than neccasary, i need to be strong for him and for my 13 year old son who has only had this male ' father' figure in his life up until 2 years ago.They are so very close,if i start to lose it now im not sure if ill recover enough to take notice of my childs grief.
Basically what im saying is im gonna have to lie about my emotions until the day i think i can let them out safely and on my own..........or maybe with my mum.

[raysparx1]

Hi tattoo, I can understand why you feel the way you do, but you need to talk, even if you visit him on your own and you both cry the whole time, you must talk to somebody, maybe even talking on here will help you, but if you bottle it up you will make yourself ill, if you feel you can't talk at the moment write a little note to him telling him,in the meantime have a chat with mum as I do feel she is in denial at the moment, your son will be really hurt when it happens,so all you can do there is the same thing get him to talk, sometimes men hide emotions, it the most stupid thing to do, but they do, I hope your son doesn't, take care tatoo, thinking of you, Ray xx

[yinyang]

tattoo, do you have a partner or a close friend you can talk to. I'm a beave face type of person except around my husband. He's the only one who knows how ****ed up I really am at the moment. You have to have a vent, a way of letting of steam so you can be strong in front of your dad and son, if that's what you've chosen to do.
This is too much to carry on your own. Don't try or you'll just crack.
Does your son know how ill your father is, is he prepared for what's going to happen?

[tattoo1094]

Thanks ray, top banana! : )