Carer for elderly relatives

[Sasha13]

One of my Grandparents is ill and can't really fend for themself (sp?) that well at the moment.

My Mum is having to travel a round trip of 70 miles every night and twice at the weekends to cook for her, clean, do shopping etc. My Mum suffers from a stress related illness and cannot continue to do this (she works full time too).

The District Nurse has suggested that my Grandparent gets a carer who will clean, cook and shop which will take some of the pressure off my Mum (the carer doesn't do personal care, the Grandparent can take care of this themselves).

The Grandparent in question, however, refuses to entertain the idea saying they won't have one across the doorstep, unless my Mum insists (which she would never do). The Grandparent gets upset and stressed when asked for their reasoning.

I feel like I need to talk to my Grandparent as I don't think they realise the pressure my Mum is under.

Has anyone got any experience/ideas on how to handle this please?

TIA

[pussnboots]

My mum was just the same and would never agree to having any help from anyone except me. I only lived about 7 miles away but going everyday was still too much. Anyway a lady from Social Services came to talk to her and she eventually agreed that someone could go in to help out. The first couple of times were a bit touch and go, but the carers were so nice and chatty that my mum even looked forward to them going and became quite pally with them. I think your mum should be firm about this as it is really hard work looking after an elderly parent. What i said to my mum was that if she got someone in to help with the house then when I visited her I would be able to sit and chat so we could have more quality time rather than me cleaning, cooking, shopping etc. Hope this helps.

[Sasha13]

Hi pussnboots - thanks for your answer. That's what I figured - that the first few times wouldn't be great, but she'd get used to it.

I get so frustrated with my Gran sometimes because it's all about pride with her - she won't even 'trouble' the hospital for a lift home (which they'd gladly provide) - she gets a taxi at her own expense.

And they put an IV in her right arm the other week for 7 hours which meant she couldn't do anything (she likes crosswords to keep her entertained) - she wouldn't even ask them to put it in her other arm! And she didn't get fed for 10 hours the other day (in hospital again) but didn't mention it 'because the nurses are busy'.

AAARRGHHH!

I find it so frustrating.

Anyway, it's me that will need to talk to her - Mum and her have a potted history and any discussion they have is likely to turn into a full blown row and that's the last thing we want as they didn't talk for 2 years a while ago.

It's times like this I wished I lived closer to home!

[Sasha13]

Hi pussnboots - thanks for your answer. That's what I figured - that the first few times wouldn't be great, but she'd get used to it.

I get so frustrated with my Gran sometimes because it's all about pride with her - she won't even 'trouble' the hospital for a lift home (which they'd gladly provide) - she gets a taxi at her own expense.

And they put an IV in her right arm the other week for 7 hours which meant she couldn't do anything (she likes crosswords to keep her entertained) - she wouldn't even ask them to put it in her other arm! And she didn't get fed for 10 hours the other day (in hospital again) but didn't mention it 'because the nurses are busy'.

AAARRGHHH!

I find it so frustrating.

Anyway, it's me that will need to talk to her, but I'll do what you've suggested - Mum and her have a potted history and any discussion they have is likely to turn into a full blown row and that's the last thing we want as they didn't talk for 2 years a while ago.

It's times like this I wished I lived closer to home!

Thanks again

[Sasha13]

I knew that was going to happen!

[Doc Spock]

what does SP mean ?

[Sasha13]

That I wasn't sure if I'd spelt the word correctly.

Or in this case rather, whether I was being grammatically (sp? - argh!) correct.

[shanx]

agree with pussnboots, when you are kind and considerate they do tend to take advantage,i lived next door to my parents and couldnt move until they died , because they always came out with the guilt complex, thats why i brought my children up to get there own lives ,and they live away but are so careing we have got our lives and they have got theres it works fine

[Doc Spock]

Sorry, thanks for explanation/

[Sasha13]

You're welcome Doc Spock.

It's really hard - as I've said, Mum feels incredibly guilty, but I know she cannot cope with this long term - she'll be ill again which is just awful. It's only my Mum and Gran (Grandad dead, Haven't seen Father for 27 years - tw*t. Sorry, had to get that in) so there's no one else who can take over.

I just cannot understand my Grandmother acting like this - she's so adamant she doesn't want to put the doctors and nurses to any trouble but is quite happy to run my Mother into the ground - and all for the sake of what? Someone coming round for a few hours a week to do her shopping and cleaning?!

Oh, I forgot to mention, she doesn't want someone else doing her shopping because they 'won't know what she likes'. Classic, huh?

[pussnboots]

Your Gran may well kick up a fuss about being visited by Social Services but I cannot stress enough how kind they were and talked to my mum with a great deal of compassion and respect. The trouble is and I will probably feel the same when I am old and decrepit it is the fact that none of us want to admitt we need help. It is one thing getting help from family but to bring strangers in to your home is entirely something else. If you can get your Gran to just try it for say 1 month to see how she gets on, and during that month visit as usual and phone her every day, then with a bit of luck she will find that she is a lot more content. Everyone needs some help in life and in no way should she feel she is loosing her dignity, if she won the lottery I'd bet she would hire a cleaner and a cook tomorrow. Just joking about the last bit. Good luckxxpuss.

[shanx]

maybe you could start off with a homehelp for a few days a week

[EngTeach]

I think some of the fear is about being forgotten by the family. Maybe Gran feels that with a carer your mom won't see her anymore. It is hard, and I think most elderly people won't bother others, but feel that family is a different story. I offered to take my friend's gran for her radiation to ease her dad's burden from leaving work early, etc. and she said, "That's why I have a son. Why should you bother?". I was home all summer and could have taken an hour or two to help. She would not hear of it.

Good Luck and maybe Social services can intervene on your mom's behalf.

[daffy654]

Why not point out to your Gran that it is the taxes she has paid over the years that is paying the wages of the carers and she is entitled to get something back after paying in for all those years,it isn't charity.

[campbellking]

Sasha, I work in a hospital, and this situation is very common. It's a big step for most people to have 'strangers' in their house, and a threat to what they perceive as their independence (your Mum will unfortunately not be regarded as interfering with this, despite all the hours she's putting in). As Puss suggests, maybe tell her it needs to be on a trial period, as your Mum needs a break. Tell Gran that if the situation continues as it is, your Mum may well become ill, and that family carers need a break.
Hope Gran is claiming Attendance Allowance if you're putting in all these hours.
Take care

[bednobs]

the problem is daffy, thats not true. If you have mney, you hae to pay for social services help

[Sasha13]

Thanks for all your answers.

We know we'd have to pay for someone to come in - and we're only looking at someone coming in a couple of hours a week, just to do the shopping and cleaning so that it takes the pressure off mum - she can prepare meals in advance that are then quick and easy. But Gran won't even agree to this without making Mum make the decision.

Ah, families - who'd have them?

[bednobs]

if its "social services" that bother her, age concern do a service for cleaning/shopping/cooking and their volunteers are often of a more advanced age than the flibberty gibbets you get from the social ... just a thought,